I am going to change my life
Tomorrow

I have to make a plan
Tomorrow

I need to exercise and eat right
Tomorrow

I will get up early and go to bed on time
Tomorrow

I should appreciate the sunset
Tomorrow

I will finally get out of bed
Tomorrow

I believe I will be happy
Tomorrow

I have to start loving myself
Tomorrow

I am going to care about me
Tomorrow

I need to be better than this
Tomorrow

I know I can be better than this
Tomorrow

I will still be alive
Tomorrow

I’ll have something to look forward to
Tomorrow

I celebrate your birthday
Year after year
With Fight Club and tacos
And Pink Floyd in my ears
I mourn on your death day
The same day every year
The day you entered the world
The same day you left us here

I think if you most days
November being so cold
I write of you from my memory
As we enter another year of you gone
I hold onto the idea
You’ll meet me again down the road
I see you in so many faces
And know you're guiding me from above

For my beautiful friend.
Randal Scott Cobb
11/10/90 - 11/10/12

I expect to be treated like an equal
When I have nothing to contribute
I am a well of interesting information
That dries up in the middle of inclusion

What do I do with my hands
Except inhale anxiety relief
Always dissecting the surrounding voices
That somehow begin to exclude me

Two by two breaking off into stories
Bared witness to the unbearable mess
I had something to say minutes ago
My burning lungs were left behind in distress

I don't know how to be me anymore
Broken so long the pieces have scattered
They fly through the gusty winds of my mind
Smiling through conversations that don't matter

I watch everyone move on with their lives
As I stand alone in crowded space
I reflect on how I could be better
Quietly searching for the right words to say

How do I know that I'm real?
Is it the flow of water over my hands as I swim through the lake?
Feeling the sun warm my skin at the cresting break of day?
Or is it looking in your eyes with my reflection staring back at me?

How do I know my childhood was real?
A dreamscape of fragmented amalgamations
Could I be a figment of my own imagination?
My demeanor a byproduct of a helpless child unhealed

I don't understand how I'm real
When I can't breathe most of the time
I created a place of comfort to visit in my mind
Now I never feel the same after lifting the thinly woven veil

I don't think I could possibly be real
Often asleep in the day to let the fractal dreams take over
It's more real than dirt left behind on the floor
And my reflection in your bright eyes begins to disappear

How do I know that anything is real?
Is it the way I fly through the magnificent stars at night?
Or the way you see me when I turn off my light?
I keep waking up to this reflection but there's nothing in the mirror

My glorious friend
Who stops my tears
Is always there
Warming the years
My secret lover
Who built a house for my dreams
An eternal companion
Guiding me through the sheep
To be lost with you
Is to sink into the deep
Subconscious arrival
Led to boundless longing
Without you I’m broken
Cracked into pieces
My heavy eyelids
Scratching at the sun peak
The affair of your arrival
Here to steady my breathing
I look for you around every corner
Waiting for my everything
Long days laid to rest
Your comfort is mine to keep
I lay my head in your love
And drift into the arms of sleep

I was a petty thief
Committing celestial crimes
I bounced between the eclipses
Convincing stars to dim their light

Caught in a conjunction
Aiding the planets collide
An orchestrated sunset
Burned out for the last time

Galactic enemy number one
They searched for me far and wide
I hid in constellations
Calculating their divide

An attempt to travel backwards
Found me scaling an event horizon
After searching millions of light years
I was sentenced to human life

I made destruction and chaos
Turned love into painful lies
Tinkered with eruptions and cyclones
Until all of us quickly arrived

I don’t come from here
These streets I was raised
Glorified battlefields crushed
By heavy emotional chains

I’ve lived every life imaginable
It was my punishment to create
Time that moves fast and feels slow
A petty criminal condemned to fate

You don’t know alone like me

Seeped in thoughts and isolation
Regrets of how I couldn’t maintain a connection
I don’t know how to be
A good friend
Or lover
Or kind to anyone, especially me
I imagine a life of peace
Not rage
Or despair
Or endless longing

I crave beauty
In my cave of screaming
Sometimes I convince myself I’m okay
And happy
But when the glass walls crack
And break
And shatter
I’m cut open by my own
Shards of self loathing

Some say I’m too honest
Except with myself
I live in a delusional mindset
Where I’m happy and carefree
I’m healthy and active
Aware and enlightened

The truth of reality is
I’m bold and assuming
Enraged and pessimistic
Seeing things for what they are poisoned my psyche
I trained myself to let go
And I have
Of everything

Now I’m alone
Abandoned self worth
A sulking fate of nothing
Terrified of the end I historically accept
From the moment I was told
I’m nothing at 7 years old
I believed it
I gave in
And I’ve been fighting a losing war
Within myself ever since

I’ve been gone
From my body
And my soul
The tie was severed too young
And I don’t know how to return

No one knows alone like me