I don't know what to write here,
But I know I need to write.
So here is my streaming thought; I am sorry if the writing is horrific.
My brother is in Afghanistan and I want to cry. Not because I miss him terribly but because he's finally become someone I look up to rather than detest. And most of all I don't want to lose him.
My sister will be off to Japan in a few weeks and it will be the longest we've ever been apart. We're going to miss each others Birthdays…
My best friend is so wildly out of control I fear that she's going to get herself pregnant and not give a **** about anything. I just don't know what to say to her anymore.
I am going to college in six months.
My grandfather is dead, and so are both of my cats. My guinea pig died a year ago.
I am torn between science and religion.
I have feelings for someone who wants me too. But I can't be with him because I'm scared of everything that comes with a relationship. The drama, the complications, the pain.
I am much to internal. I miss my horses, I miss swimming in the cold Saranac River. I miss Forget-Me-Not flowers that come with the spring. I miss dancing in the rain and listening to music while I stargaze under the Adirondack sky.
I am sick of crying and grinding my teeth at night. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not human. I am sick of caring about myself, but if I don't, no one else will. I want to be the person I appear to be. The person that everyone thinks I am, but right now I just feel broken. How can the person thats supposed to hold others up be broken?

valentines day
alentines day
lentines day
entines day
ntines day
tines day
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nes day
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ay
ayyyy
ayyyyyyyy pizza rolls

I fell in love with the idea of you,
How I wanted you to be.
That was my first mistake.

It started with your eyes,
Stormy sea blue with a hint of green mischief.
I knew I was in for it when I those eye met mine,
And then they traveled down my body,
Giving me attention I didn't know I craved.

But it wasn't you I was supposed to be in love with,
The other boy with the blue eyes,
I was supposed to be his,
Somehow your eyes took me from him,
Drawing me in like a moth to a naked bulb.

That idea of you,
Soft lips on my neck,
Coarse hands traveling down my arms to my hips,
Having you, all of you, to my self,
Without consequence or risk,
Perfection.

I was wrong,
Thinking you could love me like a fairytale.
I wanted so badly to taste your lips,
I forgot the sharpness of your teeth.
Desired your hands,
Until I felt them on my neck cutting off my air

A mistake.
I say I'll never make again,
At least until I see those eyes.
I guess some hearts just never learn.

My body is a gateway,
A portal to the person you want to be,
Use me to make yourself better,
Troubles, sorrows, fears,
Give them all to me,
Feel the weight fall from your shoulders,
Like acid rain on my body.
Use me as often as you'd like,
I am eternally yours.

So many stars tonight,
No moon though.
What profound silence fills the December air.
I love it out here.
Just me and my thoughts.
With only the wind bearing judgment on my scatterbrained ideas.
Here I can run until my chest heaves with agony,
Here I can scream to the heavens with joy,
Here I can sing at the top of my lungs and wildly off tune,
Here I can cry on an old oak tree and ask God why.
This place is my everything.
My childhood, my memories, my comfort, my whole life.
This is the ground I run on barefoot all year,
The frozen rivers I learned to swim in,
The berries I pick every season,
The stars that made me wonder who I am.
Stars that will take me on adventures far from home,
Yet lead me back to those whom I love and to the place I call home,
The Adirondacks.

I'm think looking for motivation in the wrong places.
Spending two hours reading poetry online and drinking two cups of coffee,
completely avoiding my workout and my homework.
I need a break from my brain, its a scary place.
I'm sick of saying "I"
I want to worry about someone else but when I do,
Its even scarier.
What if I lose them, what if I make another mistake?
I miss the sun, and my gunea pig.
I miss the days spent swimming in big rivers
I miss the days of innocent play and swing sets.
I miss the idea of you, the man by my side,
ready to save me from my own thoughts,
You were a dream, I woke up to reality.
Why is reality such a nightmare?