As I sit and feel the warm sun,
as I bend and breathe,
as I hear the avion flirtations
throught the daffodil lament,

I absorb,
like a smiling sponge of incredible size,
like a leaf adrift on the ocean's breath.
I write,
like the searching ponder,
like the probing wonder.
I think,
like the white lotus sighs,
like the rolling hill-fog sunrise.

To explore, I dive, I climb, I lay.
To learn, I rest, I trip, I fumble.
To love, I touch, I kiss, I see.
To live, I do, I am, I be.
To write again,
Finally,
Brings
A flood.

i sit.
i close my eyes and see the white spot between them.
would humans be smarter if we had a third eye?
a third source of visual information,
wouldn't that increase our brain size?

i sit.
i feel my tongue in my mouth.
it feels like sunflower sandpaper and
my gums feel tight - like someone's pulling them up and
molding my lower face into a tiger muzzle.

i sit.
i can't feel my nose unless i breathe,
every inhale brings a slight flare,
a slight awareness that
sour tastes are much more appealing than sour smells.

i sit.
i try to relax,
but everything is distracting.

i sit.
i want to do something ******.

i'm getting up.

The professor's voice fades away
As I notice a brown, flat-footed spider
Tiptoeing
Along our classroom floor.
I watch it,
Invested.
It moves closer to my feet.

I hope it comes my way,
But it moves to the ******* my right.
When I advise her to move her bags,
Spotting the spider, she and her empty eyes say,
"I kind of want to **** it."

I whisper, taken aback,
Don't **** it!
Her boot lifts,
Don't **** it! I say again.

I look away,
Opening my ears to Brahms.
I blink and glance to my right.
She's looking blankly at the teacher.
I can't see the spider anywhere, and
I demand, "Did you **** it?"

She turns her empty eyes,
"Sorry. I think it's sort of dead."
My eyelids tighten, eyebrows squished up,
"Why??"
There is no answer, and
I turn away with a heavy conscious.

It's kindly refreshing feeling this unburdened,
This unbridled by self-caused worry or stress.

It's quite wonderful,
I'm in awe.
Finally, I make my worth
Worthwhile for my self.
Where others could only see before,
Now I understand and transcend to the places
Of self-control and self-awareness.

It's oddly welcoming,
This metamorphosis, encouraged and manipulated before,
Now begins with my own will and desire.

For if you can pluck a leaf
Off of a tree before it's ready to descend of its own accord,
The tree would believe it to be, passively deceived.
But your efforts to force the tree to produce
Fresh new green would be in vain;

For every spring is an epiphany.
As it begins to feel the shivers of
A new beginning,
The delight of newfound self-life and self-love
And it chooses to change.

No one mourns the glory of the sky,
with its play of light and air and water,
that it is forever transforming from what it is
into what it is.
Indeed, it makes no sense to gaze longingly at a rose,
Grieving the inevitable falling of its petals.
No one fears the crashing of the waves,
Nor the melting of the snow,
Nor the setting of the sun,
Nor the passing of the breeze.

It only makes sense to not fear the Changes.

When you are so afraid of losing what you had,
the tenderness, the passion, the side-long glances, and the knowing smiles from the one who understands,
When you are so afraid of what is happening,
the confusion and aggravation, the sorrow and anger,
Every minor attackable issue exploited for a moment of attention and consolation,
You are only breaking yourself into pieces,
unrecognizable and infuriating,
down, into that ever-darkening spiral.

You are only digging your nails into your own forearms;
You are only darkening your own mind,
pulling grey clouds over yourself
when you are grasping and groping
to push them away,
falsely assuming there are any clouds at all.

I feel it is the right time to let you know that
I love him, but I don't necessarily miss him.
I wouldn't mind seeing him nor would I mind being with him,
But the distance between us does not bother me.
I'm not afraid of losing him, because
I'm not afraid of silly things.
I am far from regretting my decision to leave,
For I have learned and grown much since I've left.
I am in absolute awe of our love,
It's nearly incomprehensible, its purity and passion.
World, I wish you could understand.
I wish you could feel the same delight and freedom;
I wish, with all of my heart, that you could find
Someone that loves you for your every intricacy and quirk.
For if you did,
I believe you would be a much better person, undoubtedly.

Sincerely,
S. J.

All that
Anxiety,
Distress,
Self-dissatisfaction,
Confusion,
Delusion­,
and Fear
have gladly disappeared.