To keep these thoughts to myself,
is the only option I have.
They collide painfully with others,
hidden by a silent front.

To let them free,
would be to ruin everything.
I am a prisoner in my own head:
seeing every scenario
played and replayed –
none of them mostly happy.

So I give a hint there,
hope you pick one up here –
A silent protest to a silent war.
And wonder what you think then.
But I already know.

You're as much a prisoner as I.
Like choosing a path in a dream
that turns to vapors and is gone
struck from the memory upon waking

And now,
it is all I have.
A faint memory of what could be,
and that of which, never will.

I
I feel a darkness in me
that is not worthy of love
and is not capable anyways.
It is selfish and will hurt you.
But there is a bright light as well
and it has also caused you pain.
For the noble light removes me
out of belief it will stop you from hurting.
And when I want to love you
I know that I must not.
It is an inner turmoil that has accomplished nothing.
Your pain and confusion was meant to be spared.
I am a curse.
You have felt pain whether my intentions were pure or not.

II
A piece of my heart flew away
everytime I dissappointed myself.
A piece of my heart melted
everytime someone I trusted walked away.
A piece of my heart passed away
with each loved one lost.
Pieces of my heart have been broken
by the careless hands of others.
I feared there was nothing left
but in unknown, brief moments
I feel a slight spark in my chest
And I am reminded that there is still one person who can make me feel like there is no darkness in the world.

III
I think
I love you.
It seems clearer now
for some reason.
But this abrupt
clarity
is exactly what keeps me from knowing...
Why now?
Why did it take so long?
Just when my frustrations had peaked,
I found your name within my heart again.

IV
How I do love thee
I love thee with what heart I possess
but I'm afraid not much lies within this chest
And I fear you an injustice
If only part of a heart you request
Then I offer it as my best
For I do not know the tests
I may face in this life
nor the next.
If we should be but friends
I would embrace you as my best
for you have given me memories
that will forever be cherished
One day at a time it will show
One day we will know
But with you i'd rather grow
Than to have lost it and be unsure.

Made with Love

It’s not the storm keeping me awake.
Mr. Train so far and full of hope,
where are you going?
Could you take me along?
Your blaring horn could lull me to sleep.
And let this storm persist
so that it may keep, me from
walking into the world and
glancing upon the day’s dead end.
Twisted in the sheets
lies my broken body
in broken sleep.
Tossing and turning
over broken thoughts I keep
questioning.

I wish you would have given me something, anything, to go off of that night.
I would have held it tight.
And now instead there is this ever present twinge in my stomach.
It's not always bad, in fact.
I've grown to appreciate it.
I know you feel the same.

Innocent feelings and toying with the mind,
now turned into something guilty.

It happened for a reason, to let it go now would be arguing with fate.
We were set up and given a perfect moment.
And instead of grabbing hold of it, we both let it pass.

There's a reason you look forward to seeing me everyday.
There's a reason you pay attention to my every detail.
There's a reason you wanted to reach out and touch me.
There's a reason why you feel the need to tell me things that no one else knows.

My understanding is not condescending.

I just want you to know that it doesn't have to be this scary.
If we could both accept what we truly want,
we would both be happy,
in each other's arms,
the way it was so briefly.