it becomes a hum
like voices under water
you were pushed
under the water
you want to stay
and sleep
and be numb
but the beat changes
and breaks
it becomes less of a beat
less of a pulse
but a solo
of stricken
raw falsetto
it becomes real
the water is real
the drowning is real
and you join the music
and your cries join the music
and you drown
and fall into something
grey
wet and grey
and lie there
until you wash up
and pretend that you were never pushed
never under the water
that your cheeks aren’t wet
and your eyes aren’t sore
and that you are oblivious
and you are dumb
and numb
and innocent

everything’s vague.
I feel
like I should feel
something,
if anything,
more
than this.
like that moment
when you surpass
exhaustion
and you wander
in the deadness of your house
and the deadness of your mind
in the early hours of the morning
as time passes silently
and 2 becomes 3
and 3 becomes 4
and you don’t notice the minutes
falling away.
but you don’t mind
you just remain
conscious
and heavy and vague
and simply continue in that same
dead existence,
wandering,
until you forget what it was like
to feel.