It’s been another year
of loving you
of hating you
and trying to forgive you.

I've hated you for a lot of things over the years, but for few things as much as this.  I hate you for making me say goodbye to you, again.
You must not understand how hard it was for me to say goodbye the first time.

For a long time, I hated you.  I hated you for not loving me like I loved you.  I hated you for making me stand by and watch you with her. I hated you.

Then I let you go.  I let you go because I needed to move on.  I let you go because I didn't like who I was when I was with you.  I let you go because I couldn't take it anymore.

Then you came back.  I still hate you.  I hate you for being selfish.  I hate you for making me question how much I have changed since you left.  I hate you for making me miss you again.

I'm waiting to be indifferent.

I would do anything for you, and I always thought that you would do the same for me. But now, I'm not so sure.

I'm full of doubt. I'm terrified. Terrified of losing the person that's the most important to me. I want to run, like I used to. But I'm in too deep.

I am all in. I opened myself completely to you. You've seen parts of me that no one ever has. And you brought out the best in me.

I don't know what changed, but I want it to go back to the way it was.

I told you that I was broken
That I didn't do this often
That I didn't believe in love.

But I loved you with an incredible love
It was a once in a lifetime love
A love I never wanted to give up.

I wish I could take back those words
The beginning of the end
And just go back to the way it were.

I feel broken again
The urge to run returns
And I'm afraid you won't chase me.

37 seconds
that's all it took before I hung up the phone
that's all it took for me to see that you didn't care
at least not like you used to

so much silence
normally our silence is comfortable and filled with love
normally our silence breaks with laughter
but not this time

we said that we were ok
we said that we were gonna be fine
so how then does everything feel so broken

There is something so poetic
and humbling
about an old man playing with hot wheels cars
to pass the time,
to forget about growing old,
to forget that he forgets everyone around him,
even those that used to be everything.

It's peaceful and innocent,
and child-like.

I always had to remind myself
You were with her.
You chose her.

I went with you to get the ring.
And how inappropriate
That I be there
With you
To pick a ring
For her.

I told myself I wouldn't
Not anymore
I couldn't.
My heart couldn't take it.
Yet over
and over
I did.

And now I think of her.
And you.
And your son.
Her son.
Your family.
And then there's me.

I feel
For once, I really feel
I feel love
And life
And like everything makes sense
I want you
I need you
But I'm afraid to admit
I hang on
I'm holding tight
To that last piece of me
The ultimate vulnerability
Those three words
I can't say
Though it doesn't mean that I don't
I will that you know
That I feel for you
Things I thought not possible
Open and warm and alive
Instead of dead and cold
Closed to the world
I want so badly to say
I love you
But I can't
I'm still me

In just one breath
You speak words I thought I'd never hear
Just one breath
One drunken breath
Those three little words that should mean the most

You might not remember saying them
But you did, and I did too
And everyday I cling to those words
Those intoxicating words
As I start to question, like I always do

I replay those words over in my head
As we grow further and further apart
As we start to avoid saying those words again
It makes me wonder
If we ever meant them

And I write
I furiously scribble words on paper
Words of emotion, frustration, and anger
Anger with you
Anger with myself

The words I write, they liberate
They make me feel
The written word creates a world of emotion
That spoken word never could
I live vicariously on pen and paper

As I sit cold,
And silent
Hanging on those last words.

He used to come over and we'd ****.
Then he would leave,
to go see her.
And I would wake up alone.

Over and over again,
I woke up alone.
Always alone.

Forgive me when it's hard
for me to say, "I miss you"
Never mind saying, "I love you"
I haven't done this before.

I'm selfish
I protect my damaged heart
Because next time, it won't make it through
I'm terrified

Normally by now, I've said goodbye
For one reason or another,
usually one that I've made up to sound legitimate
And I leave.

I leave before you can,
and before I'm left alone.
Again.

I could love you, if you let me
I've been waiting for you
The one that will stay,
The one that will run after me.

You accuse me of being cold and detached in one breath,
then in the next I'm showing too much affection.
Pick a side.
I'm trying. Really trying. Because I think you're worth the effort.
But you can only expect so much.

You're drunk and I'm "your only girl" but sober "we should see other people" too.
I was fine with the latter until you proposed the former,
Stop playing with my heart.
You move faster and faster, but when I catch up you retreat.
It makes me want to run -- an old habit I'm trying to kick.

I get it, I'm leaving.
My timing couldn't have been worse.
I didn't ask for this, I never asked for you.
But here you are, and here I am.

I'm just a girl, a broken girl, standing here.
I'm not asking you to love me
Just asking you to be my friend
and to give me a chance.

Love is letting someone in. Letting them into places that no one else has been. Into places they could abandon without a second though. Love is trusting them not to.

I trusted once. I loved once. I was in love once.
But never again. Never.

I've been left. And I've been hurt. Yet I'm expected to pick the pieces up off the ground and just move on. "Everyone gets hurt," they say. We are supposed to wear our hearts on our sleeves and be vulnerable. We are supposed to be open to love.

I can't be open any more. I am breaking. I am broken.
There aren't pieces left to pick up.
I can't be open any more.
And no one understands.

With every hurt and every vulnerable moment I retreat. I've retreated to a dark place where love isn't welcome. Its a place for me and me alone. Alone and lonely. Two different things, that only some will understand.

Yes, we were drunk. Yes, I came home with you. Yes, we ******.

You put your arm around me. While we slept, your hand was right there on my leg; your naked body next to mine. The subtle touch told me you were glad that I stayed the night. It told me that you wanted me. And isn't that what we are all looking for -- to want someone and love someone and to be loved and wanted in return?

It has been a long time since I had last felt wanted like that. I'm not usually a "stay the night" kind of girl. It's better that way... safer, even. If I don't stay, there isn't time to feel wanted -- a feeling one could get used to. If I don't stay, there isn't time to get attached. Because everyone always leaves, right?

But your hand was right there on my leg. You were asleep, but your hand didn't move. It didn't move. We didn't move. We stayed in bed all day. We talked and watched Food Network. And you shared your bagel. With me. I was still wanted.

I wasn't sure that you'd call. I didn't want to get my hopes up. I didn't want them to be torn back down. You did call though. And I smiled. We exchanged some text messages over the course of a few days. We made plans for the following week.

It was different this time. We watched more Food Network, and we talked some more. The *** was still great -- mind blowing even. But this time, there was no arm around me or hand on my leg while we lay there. I stayed the night, but we just slept. Our naked bodies weren't touching... there were clothes in the way this time. We said goodnight and rolled over and went to sleep. Did you want me there? I couldn't tell. But I stayed anyway.

It was only once, but I got attached. Attached to feeling wanted and loved. Without the subtle touch letting me know you're there, the old insecurities set in. I want to run. Run away before I get left behind. Because I will get left behind.. that's how it always happens. I want to run for miles until the emotions go away and I no longer want you. But the emotions are there; I let my guard down and they took over. I just want to be wanted by you. By someone.

The sirens won't stop
Everybody is running
The world is ending

You cannot love her
You're not supposed to love her
You're in love with me

Today's a new day
I should get out of my bed
But somehow I can't

They say if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything. But I've run out of nice things to say to you. It's time for me to stop lying and pretending and start being real. And that might mean I'm not always nice. It's my turn. After all of this, I deserve to be selfish for a moment and let all of this off my chest.

I loved you. I have for years, and I'm afraid I always will. Your first love just isn't something that goes away. But you lied and manipulated, and played all kinds of games. And I'm saying no. I can finally say no. I can't put myself through it anymore, and I shouldn't have to. It's not fair. Everything isn't just about you. Your actions affect those that are around you, and I can't take it any longer. I'm not going to be your way out, and I'm not going to let you use me. Find someone else.

I wish that I were sorry
Sorry to have met you
Sorry to have known you
Sorry to have hurt you
Sorry to have been hurt by you.

I wish that I could do it over
That I had gone to a different party
That I didn't say yes to that dance
That I didn't take you home with me that night.

I wish we hadn't shared
Our favorite movies
Our favorite songs
Our similarly strange philosophies.

I wish I hadn't gotten so close
But I did
And we are
Or at least we were.

I can put on a smile and pretend that I'm alright
But nothing could describe what I really feel inside
Everything seems normal
Like nothing ever changed
You think I would have learned by now
But its all the same.

You're the guy I fell in love with
All those years ago
Your flaws and imperfections still invisible
Though I've been hurt so badly
I can't seem to let you go
You're the one I want to be with
Crazy, I know.

I remember
Staying up late
Talking on the phone
I don't really know
How it all went wrong
I still smile every time I hear your name
Since you came into my life
I haven't been the same.

I was unsure but you build me up
I let you lead me and corrupt
You call me up
And we go out
But still you just want to fool around
I've made mistakes and foolishly
Believed you'd still be there for me.

I blink my eyes
And you're not there
Thoughts of you are fleeting
But then again, without fail
You come back for one more thrill.

I'm getting sick
I'm so confused
What else more could I do for you
I've fallen hard
I'm head over heels

But you're just passing through.

I remember
Staying up late
Talking on the phone
I don't really know how it all went wrong
I still smile every time I hear your name
Since you came into my life
I haven't been the same

Many sleepless nights
Trying to figure out
I don't really know
What I did wrong
You say that we're still friends
But everything has changed
You came into my life
And I'll never be the same again.

I am broken
I've seen things
No one should ever see

I've had pain
Unbearable pain
That takes a lifetime to heal

I am broken

But just for a minute
The past disappears
And life resumes

A glimpse of what could be
The unattainable
The normal

I am able to forget

You've arrived
And shown your cards
I want to play the game

In that minute
Of a worldly bliss
There is hope

Concealed in a kiss.

The night we met
Was a regular masquerade
With a gentle snow
Something to take the pressure off

We kept hiding behind masks
Not facing who we really were
I shouldn't have been surprised
When you finally hit bottom

Relapse into a sea of agony
Lying, cheating, stealing
Stealing my heart and running away
Never coming back

Blind to what was right in front
I ignored the signs
It was just for fun after all
Never imagined what was coming

I stayed there
Helped you heal
Even when I was sinking deeper
Into my self-created black hole

You've made your amends
And now I've made mine
I've had the last straw
This is my final goodbye

You're selfish.
You're a cheater and a liar.
You're manipulative.
You're a coward.

Use your charm as a trap
for those of us found weak and defenseless.
Harmless fun, for now.

You may be all of those things,
but I am worse to blame.

I believed the lies.
I saw you manipulate girl after girl.
I thought I was different.
But boy, was I wrong.

I was so stupid to fall for your tricks.
Living a life of ignorant bliss.
Falling further and further
Until I hit bottom
Forgiving, forgetting, like nothing had happened.

You can't have my pride,
You can't take my dignity.
No longer.
You can't have me.

Its days like today
that make me think
of what used be
what could have been
and what never was.

The cheating and lying;
the endless games.
The lust and desire;
the ignorant bliss.

I'm an outsider
Watching something so familiar
Yet something so distant
It never really was mine

Building a fire
Staying close and warm
While I alone
Am out in the cold

There was an "us" once
Now I'm falling without you
Losing control
Surviving life without you

I'm an outsider
Watching you with her

his smell still lingers
not enough to comfort
pain worsens
but you stay anyway
unwilling to let go

his memory still strong
not weakening with time
as much as you want it to go away
you don't

you can't accept the end
the wasted years
no more goodbye hug
never another kiss

oh, how you yearn for another kiss

Maybe it was a careless mistake.
I should have seen it coming... again.
But I won't admit it... yet.
Maybe it wasn't worth the fun.
Now you're gone
And I'm here
Alone
In an empty room.
So close, but I cannot reach
Pondering the lies you fed to me.
Years wasted caring
For someone I didn't really know.
Lingering on
what was
what wasn't
and what could have been.
The wind blows and seasons change.
Friends come and go.
Even those "forever friends"
Always friends.
Waking up seems pointless
Yet you do it anyway.
Part of you is missing,
and might not be coming back.
Still lingering on
the taste of his last kiss
the hug goodbye
the silence that ended it all.

The night is dark and peaceful.
The city lights create a certain ambiance.
The warm breeze comfortingly engulfs.

If this were any other night
You would be here.
But it's not any other night
And you're not here.
And you aren't going to be here.
Something I have to get used to now.

I can't help but think
If you were here
We'd hold hands
And walk in the night
And talk about things

We'd talk about all kinds of things.
Things like religion.
Things like politics.
And all of those other things
You aren't supposed to talk about.

We'd keep holding hands.
And we'd keep walking in the night.
And then you'd kiss me goodnight.

But on this warm, dark, and peaceful city night
You aren't here.
And you won't ever be here.

Every night I wait
I wait for your call
Your voice
Your laughter
I wait to hear you say
That you're okay
That you miss me
That you want me back

For a while
You called and said just that
That distance didn't matter
That we were meant to be

Every day I'm fine
Everything is okay
Every day I'm busy
Studying
Writing
Forgetting
But not forgetting enough

We acted for the best
Or at least what we thought was best
Is this really over?
It doesn't feel like an end

But every night I wait
I wait for your call
Your voice
Your laughter
I wait to hear you say
That you're okay
That you miss me
That you want this back

But your call doesn't come
I wait to hear you say
That you love me too