I laid down beside you.
You knew I was there but you didn't acknowledge me.
A few minutes later, I started to cry.

I went to my room and sobbed.
You knew I was hurting but you didn't comfort me.
I can't figure out why.

I got you a present.
You knew it was there but you didn't open it.
It's an old Venitian-style vase.

I got you a card, too.
I didn't know a hallmark card could be so honest.
It says "I know I'm older, but I still need you. Just in different ways."

My friend's dad passed away.
I knew him well. He was a good man.
I'm glad you're still here. I don't want you to die.

Happy Birthday, Mom.
I know deep down that you love me.
I really did try.

How can you desire not one thing, yet look at me that way?
How can you speak those words with no intention?
How can you leave me guessing what I should or shouldn't say?
Your motives are beyond my comprehension

It never meant a thing to you, beginning or the end
No in-betweens or could-have-beens exist
I made myself a fool for even trying to be your friend
And living my life on your waiting list

There was not enough of you to have; though I tried to take too much.
Your eyes so shallow that I could not drown.
So instead, I went and hung myself on your every single word,
And now there's no one who can cut me down.

My world is crashing down all around me, and my life is changing fast.
I thought some things would stay forever but it turns out that they don't last.
I've prayed for love to find me, I've begged and I have asked,
All the while not realizing that the moment had just passed.

Your patience gently leads me to the place where I belong,
Back to who I really am; in my weakness you are strong.
Although I may wander, and I may do you wrong,
It's you, it's always you and it has been you all along.

So please forgive me for these words that I have kept inside
I see now that there's no point for me to try to hide
Because your love always finds me, it cannot be denied
And I am infinitely blessed to have you by my side

And if I turn my back, you're free to walk away
Just know that no matter what there will always come a day
That I'll come running back and without doubt, to you I'll say,
"I love you, forever" and in your arms I'll always stay.

You told me I was worthless just like a real man would
If anyone was to change your mind, I guess I never could
Now that my heart is bruised and beaten, barely pumping blood
I've begun to realize, my love, that I can do no good

Your meaningful electric stare, words careful and precise
I almost fell in love with you, and for that I paid a price
Because now no one has a chance, mere romance won't suffice
Ever since your careless words turned my heart as cold as ice

Although you may have said those things, although you were unfair
I think that you were immature; I think that you were scared
I didn't want to hurt you and I never would have dared
So how the hell can you tell me that you have never cared?

Your voice, it kills me every day; I can't live with this pain
And all my silent prayers and pleading seem to be in vain
I hope one day you're driving home and it begins to rain
And it dawns on you just what you lost, as you slowly go insane.

This self-centered heart keeps on beating
My weak mind won’t just lay down and die
Numbly grasping for truth to hold onto
What you can’t feel cannot satisfy

My high horse is just an illusion
I’m swamped in **** up to my knees
At my best I am easy to disappoint
At my worst I’m so **** hard to please.

Can you taste the desire in my kiss, boy?
It’s not you that I’ve been looking for
I don’t want anyone in particular
I prefer for my heart to be sore

Pick me up off the ground or come join me
While I hide myself deep in the grass
I don’t know how I’m here in the first place
I don’t know when this fever will pass

Should I just want this all to be over?
Do I savor and capture and seize?
This young heart may seem easy to break, love -
But it’s locked, even I have no keys.

i’m sorry that i held your hand. it wasn’t mine to hold.

i’m sorry if i hurt you when you knocked me out stone cold.

i’m sorry that i never told you thanks for all you’ve done.

you used to mean the world to me. you left. that world just spun.

we used to talk for hours about the future, here and now.

i used to look to you when i just didn’t know how

to deal with life eternal and face what i had become,

and the next day loomed before me, and my head just ached and swum.

i think you’d hate this poem cause the rhyming’s too cliche

for your post modern point of view that defines the words you say.

i think you’d like the idea of me missing you to death.

cause you’d like the way those memories catch my throat and steal my breath

i don’t hate myself anymore - that day did finally come.

i still wish you’d been with me when i got off that plane in rome.

i wish that you could see me now as i emerge from deep inside.

you could if you wanted to, but who am i kidding? you’ve just got too much pride.

so just sit there, ponder abstract things, think thoughts deep and profound.

pray to the universe. one day it just might come around.

i think of you now and again and wonder why on earth

i wasted so much time asking you what i was worth.

i think of you and sigh, and then i smile because i know

we’ll be at a stoplight one day and you’ll look out your car window

and see me in my car singing with my head held high

and you’ll think of who i used to be. and for the first time

in such a long time,

you’ll cry.

i’ll fall in love so many times
my heart’s bound to get broken

this was just the first time, my dear
that words not meant were spoken

i said that you were worth it
but now i’m not so sure

it’s hard to imagine myself
being so naive and immature

to think that all the pain i felt
and all the tears i cried

would somehow be rewarded
by the things you tried to hide

my mother spoke to me today
her voice straining with concern

and once i was able to comprehend
i felt my stomach churn

“i just want to strangle him,” she said
“he comes into your life,

and uproots you, takes you away from us
cuts you off just like a knife

from your friends and family and God, and for what?
so he can break your heart,

and go flouncing off to college
and enjoy his fresh new start?

just how does he sleep at night
knowing that my little girl’s

whole life has been turned upside down
and she’s angry at the world?”

i held my mama’s hand
and told her what was on my mind

“i know i didn’t listen.
i know that i was blind.

i couldn’t see that what i needed
was just the very thing

i turned my back on that april night
when he and i began our fling.

what i desired was just affection
to feel valued, to feel loved

to begin to feel self worth,
and not the lack thereof.”

so Chris, if you are reading this,
know that i will be okay

but don’t think that i’ve forgotten you
although i know you’d like it that way

you’ll always be there in my head
even when i finally

meet someone who gives a ****
and wants to be with me

i know that you know how it feels
to be head over heels in love

with someone who in every sense
is absolutely incapable of

loving you back in the same way
no matter how much you try to show

that they mean everything to you
that you just cannot let go

but dear, the sad truth is
it was my mistake as well

to think that my life could turn out
something like a fairy tale

with you at least, because you see
my prince will one day come

he loves me more than words can say
and at night when he gets home

i’ll come running into his open arms
and without fear or guilt or pain

i’ll tell him that i love him
knowing that he feels the same.