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Sarah Bregman May 2014
In this bed
eyes wide open
lifeless

Tape wrapped around me
as I play with fire
waistless

In the morning mirror try to remember
the stranger in front of me
nothingness

My feet lead me
to somewhere but nowhere
senseless

Embrace the music
when out at night
hearing silence, at best

Strong, bright rays
warming my brittle body and face
but finding peace in darkness

A past so feeble
a future so fragile
I am powerless

Loving with every ounce of my being
always lost in the abyss
Wishing I was fearless

Words blocked by my hollow mind
my heart silently whispering
empty threats

All I’ve ever made
with these hands
become lifeless

I ask my heart
what are you?
sweet, sour, or tasteless:

From the brutal mask
I’ve put on from loving
but loveless.
Sarah Bregman May 2014
Provided you with love and affection, someone to need, to hold
but leading,
always leading
to a shuttering, cracking cold.


Speaking with hollowing eyes
I had a feeling you were danger
You were always in crisis
Left me with so many sacrifices, but I didn’t care


Carved into my bones is the jagged edge of you
your smile, your face
racing in my blood, mutating me
like cancer, but I need to know, what made you change?


Gave up my pride, to keep our strings tied
you pulled them apart
now so far gone but I swear I tried
defeated, and blinded from the start


When oxygen, it doesn’t exist, as this is what I call hell
You repeated your last words to me
while I was silently, quietly,
praying to God
as you abandoned me for her…


But look at what I did for you.
Sarah Bregman May 2014
I used to hear her in the night, screaming from her nightmares, wandering around downstairs, watching TV with her mixed drink(s) on one side and her orange salt rock lamp on the other. That salt rock lamp was supposed to give off “good energy”, but I wasn’t really sure how much of that was true considering the circumstances. A salt rock lamp can’t free you. Neither could medication. She used to tell me; survival, is just getting through the day. I listened. I tried to save her myself, but alcohol is more powerful than I am. It’s more powerful than anything I could have said to her. It was a year from last semester, when my best friend started spiraling out of control. I had lived with her for the past three years, this is my fourth. We became instant friends when we both saw each other at UVM. She always seemed so happy on the outside, but I soon started to see the hollowness inside of her. She had gone through so much in her life, and I thought of her as strong. I still do. But for her it wasn’t that easy to call herself strong and just let it all go, she didn’t know how to handle it, until alcohol became her way. I never understood why she did the things she did that year. Did you know she drank a whole handle of Rasberry Smirnoff in two days? It was sickening. I didn’t know what to do, because at a certain point I couldn’t even look at her. I know that sounds harsh, and maybe I shouldn’t have left her alone in the apartment to be swigging even more of yet another flavored handle of *****. I just couldn’t talk to her without hurting her feelings. She is really sensitive, like an open wound and everything hurts her. I wasn’t trying to, but she was so uncovered and vulnerable. Everything I said either went one ear and out the other, or stung her like salt in a deep cut. It got hard to live with sometimes. I love her so much yet I was uselessly sitting there watching her drown in her invasive misery, destroying herself and leaving me to watch her ashes build up more and more in front of me. She isolated herself on purpose, lost a lot of friends for a while. I tried but I couldn’t stop her, no one could. She was so far gone, like I lost my best friend whom I couldn’t recognize anymore, and I missed her. It became a routine, coming home to her drunk and sometimes crying hysterically on the floor or on the couch, or in her room, whether there was even a reason or not. She fell apart. I told her my thoughts, gave her my advice, but if words helped everyone all the time, no one would feel the pain that you sometimes have to feel. I wanted to tell her it was okay, but then I didn’t know how to anymore. All I could do was shove my phone in her face already calling a school therapist for her. At first, she looked at me with a blank stare. With tears dripping down her cheek, I knew she didn’t want the help, but she knew she needed it. She didn’t deny it. To my surprise, she didn’t fight it. She took the phone, made an appointment, and started her journey to recovering.
Sarah Bregman May 2014
Caving in like you’re gripped from a spider

Winding and re-winding

Smothered and twisted

Then what, how do you deal with it?

Spinning in it’s web

The one you flew into so fast

You had no time to even think.

Your mind turns into a blur

Like a cloud of smoke

Fading into thin air.

— The End —