you don't get better on the days where you feel like going,
you get better on the days you don't want to go,
but you go anyways,
overcoming the negativity from a tired body,
or an unmotivated mind,
you will get better.
it won't be the best thing you've ever done,
you won't accomplish as much as you would when you feel good,
but it doesn't matter.
growth and healing is a game that we all play,
and the ****** days are very important.

i don't know how i'm supposed to do this* on my own
this is: learning how to kiss no one goodnight,
leaning how to not sabotage relationships because suddenly i feel exposed.

* life in general

mum smiles as she offers a cube of sugar from her upturned palm,
greedily, of course i accept it.
salt.
there are some mums that warn you to never (ever, ever) touch a hot stove top,
and there's ones that throw you right into it and ask why you're so afraid of fire.
this is what abuse is.
knowing you're going to get salt, but still hoping for sugar after twenty-one years.
i still have a stomach ache.
i hope at some point in this lifetime you can find it in you to look at the woman i have become properly, in spite of you, and feel proud.
when you're taught to see the world through nothing but fire, nothing feels safe.

- here's to still hoping for sugar instead of salt.

they say you usually end up with someone just like your father,
which is kind of ironic,
seeing as you always showed up.
you were 3,000 km away and you still managed to show up everyday,
with a little more love,
a little more strength,
a little more courage than you had the day before.
apparently you weren't unavailable enough,
flightily enough,
you didn't let me down enough.

i am noticing that the things that make me anxious are the things i wasn't allowed to do as a child

- ask for help
- slow down
- make mistakes
- need attention

one of the hardest things i ever had to admit to myself was that during my most fragile years, i allowed others to treat me the same way that i treated myself (lack of self-worth stains everything the colour of itself)
the only person i ever lost and needed was myself.

your parents.

you have your mothers' eyes,
your father's tendency to never call back.

her stubbornness,
his indecisiveness.

her strength,
his lack thereof.

you are not your parents.
scream if it helps.