my love
bastion of my emotions
a beacon guiding my spirit home
it tethers me to shore
while it lights my path into the world
though the enemies of my mind
release a barrage of ill intent
my love is my retreat
my shield my sustenance

I am only a question.  
I am not a fact or a statement or a name or a label or a list.
I am a question put into the world capable only of asking more.
One question leads to another until I forget what it was I wanted to know originally.
I write hard and unyielding the way that I wish to be loved.
I am wondering how to be strong, how to fight for what I want, how to know what I want.
I am desire.

hello world
there is purpose
in your indiscretions
your uncertainties
and calm reflections
i've gazed upon you
awash in moonbeams
a prism of undiscovered dreams
you teach me patience and longing
a joy i could never express
and without it fierce loneliness
when i lose myself i need only look around me
your lush landscape
the vestiges of past inhabitants
remnants of people who lived, breathed, and loved you

the blasphemer and the blushing bride
have no recollection of things like pride
one detests ceremony while the other revels
in vows and prayers and all such spells
one waits for a day of celebration and rejoices
the other rebels against insincere voices
and if the two were to ever meet
or stranger still to share the same seat
all feuds might be forgotten for the sake of the truth
whatever one chooses to believe in one's youth
the importance should be placed on agency
rather than the pomp of unsavory pageantry

It's amazing what a name can do to you
You hear it then feel it pass through your brain
It travels so quickly through every part of you
It courses and pulses through each and every vein

In only an instant your heart starts to flutter
You feel it quickly beating inside
You attempt to speak, but it comes as a stutter
Almost as if your words try to hide

A name, just a name, it reaches inside you
It touches every inch of your frame
Is this not the meaning of life for you
This simple yet flawlessly beautiful name?

I read a poem the other day
That made me think about the way
People’s souls lie at rest
It considered the lack of heaven and hell
The spirit itself could neither speak nor tell
The ones that it loved best
How sad, I thought when this I read
What if, I mused, when we are dead
We are the sounds themselves
The voices of our souls are not mute
Scarcely a nice idea or true, I refute
That into which the poem delves
The ocean’s roar comes from a girl
Who long ago was known for each curl
Atop her golden head
The body may hide her strength
But then at last and at long length
It can be freed when she is dead

i want to be your fool
to laugh incessantly
at all of your jokes
when no one else does
and shoot the breeze
when there's nothing else to do

i want to be your muse
to inspire happiness
and reach a place in you
where no one else has been
for you to think of me
when you've so much else to do

i want to be your shadow
to match your movements
and follow you patiently
wherever you may go
to see you as you are
when there's no one else to see

i want to be your friend
to share our interests
and find a common ground
where once was none at all
to bask in the momentary kinship
when there's nowhere else to be

i want to be your treasure
to feel your devotion with every glance
and build our love patiently
where no one can interfere
to be two souls under one sun
when nothing else in life goes right

i don't picture you peacefully
perhaps i don't picture you at all
it is not an experience for sight
it's more like the feeling when you fall

your arms do not embrace me
you are sickly distorted here
i am impatient for you to go
yet there is nothing more that i fear

some days i know i am smarter than this
some days i know i'll find that which i've missed
there's never any telling what tomorrow will bring
sometimes you just need sit back and sing
it's never been so easy yet hard all at once
if only my decisions would stop making me the dunce
never again can i let myself down
there's too much to enjoy to have that constant frown
so the next time i'm feeling this way
maybe i'll listen when they tell me "have a nice day"

Welcome to the deep
where the lowly creatures creep
where the edges drop off steep
where none dare make a peep
where all move as sheep

Welcome to the deep
where the soul down may seep
where forever one shall sleep
I welcome thee to the deep
Why dost thou weep?
The darkness does not reap
Merely from thy sleep
But also from the others of the herd

When I first saw you, you were free
Each glance at you intrigued me
I gained your trust and love
You flew down to me from above
I missed you when you went away
I feared I'd lose you in some way
You came to me on a rainy morning
And I tied you to me without warning
It was fine at first for both of us
You never once put up a fuss
I took you to my home
Then each day left you alone
I'd come back to find you quiet
My love was there but your heart grew silent
I realized I'd made a foolish mistake
Your freedom is something I should never take
I took you out on a gray day
Loosed your chains and you flew away

loneliness is a gift
it comes without beckon
whenever we need it
don't take it so lightly
it's the only thing there
when you're feeling flighty
tip me over the edge
to the faces below
those faces which
i do not know
the only thing that remains
is that loneliness
that comforting pain
loneliness will never
abandon you in the end
never demand anything
and has plenty to lend
loneliness is a comrade
it feels just like you
incessantly sad
if you send it away
perhaps you won't miss it
but it'll come back the same day
if only you need it

secrets they come
and secrets they go
this feeling inside
that nobody knows

feeling the breeze
as the wind blows
becoming one
as the river flows

no matter the distance
flying above trees
i will come to you
with genuine ease

strike on the hour
it moves as i please
gently you whisper
like wind in the leaves

the longer you're gone
the more i have power
though tears may pour
a lamentable shower

tearing myself to pieces
not yet bitter or sour
i know you are waiting
in some unreachable tower

drifting remotely
until this heart releases
the feeling i hold
that never ceases

nothing i do can deny
the feeling that increases
though upon my face
there may appear creases

further and further
it must be some lie
yet my heart rejoices
at some faint reply

but never will i go
so far that i sigh
i will not give up
even if i die

is love supposed to be this fragile
like a gossamer thread
from one heart to another
or connecting fingers one of red

a careless hand knocks across
what once blossomed
now is misshapen and torn
bringing about love's autumn

a slow contamination
drying from without
a gradual inward process
starting with simple doubt

is this to be the end of love
that infamous break of vows
once more I'd hoped to hear it
those words of long-passed nows

I cannot help the tears
which seek to comfort me
I must admit I wish it to be you
but that's the problem probably

if i imagine a place
where there are no secrets
no hidden emotions
and silent regrets
i feel weightless
like i can love entirely
without fear or hesitation
if i could see the light
without obscurity
and nothing could adhere itself
to my insecurity
i know i could love you
the way you were meant to be loved
somewhere no shadows exist
and no sadness dwells within us
i can see you heart to heart
with no separations
i can imagine the color of your spirit
all warmth and simplicity
like i can trust you implicitly

today my heart was set on fire
i could not get away
to see the effulgent sight
but the reflection in your eyes
was enough to know it was real

motion without moving
this sensation is so new
loving without feeling
this being without you

sunsets are more beautiful
than eastern praises sung
oh do not rise fair maiden
this thing has not begun

passion is a glory
fleeting as the day
those last glimmering moments
please don't fade away

today my heart was set on fire
i could not get away
to see the effulgent sight
but the reflection in your eyes
the reflection in your eyes
is all i need to see this sunset
please don't fade away

even if the world's on fire
i will not close my eyes
i'll stand right here until the day
when all that's left is ash

all the broken promises
and traces left behind
will live within my memory
to be taken out in time

and even if i'm left alone
i will not break down and cry
i'll hold onto all the things
that made me who i am

if instead you're in solitude
do not forget my words
my tears my laughs my caresses
were meant to last a lifetime

whether it was understood
i've loved you all this time
no matter when this falls apart
our hearts are intertwined

perhaps you might live
in the fading rays of light
washing over me yet
all the same evading sight
i cannot actually touch you
but i feel your faint warmth

i thought i'd break my bones
if i knew what was good for me
hold on tight to something i loved
wait for a reason to let it go gracefully
ask for a chance to be held to the sun
bask in its glow its fervor its fire
smile upon fortune for letting me see
allowing the fulfillment of my desire
if only desire would stop at that point

you bitter soul
what refuge can you seek
with your hateful thoughts
you’re heartless when you speak
each passing second
is so much more painful than the last
you’re neglecting your future
by regretting all that has passed
but if it’s easier to live
guess that’s what you’ve chosen
yet deep down you can see
that you’re completely frozen
open your eyes
though it may come as a surprise
you will come to realize
you can never be satisfied
with these questions that you ask
looking further to the past
never seeing what you have
never letting you be who you are

Passing over the bridge
I noticed the dark waters below
There it was
My soul

Caught in a plastic bag
Held by the man with the shopping cart
I lost it
My heart

Disappearing quickly
My fall was met with merely cold
It ended
My life

When I hear these sounds
I find it so easy
to believe and believe and believe
But why does my heart break
at the words uttered
and bleed and bleed and bleed

The summer sun has half the warmth
of your faint embrace
And winter’s snow has more comfort
than the smile upon my face

These overwhelming noises
fill my attention
giving ease upon ease upon ease
But the silence afterward
that deafens me
will not cease will not cease will not cease

Your hand is always warm upon mine
which is colder for reasons I know
Alive within me is a deadliness
that I can never show

So now your heart I feel
beat and beat and beat
And I taste how this life
is painfully bittersweet

The middle of the summer in Virginia
My whole family is standing in place
The flash goes off in my distracted eyes
“Wait!  I wasn’t looking.”
I look around waiting once again
The old buildings where our history began
The mix of civilization and nature
Takes my breath away
The green, green grass and the lush trees
Softly the wind from a breeze plays among my hair
Making each strand do a slow graceful dance
I taste the sweet lip-gloss as I chew my lower lip
I smell the fresh cut grass
As I wait to see the signal to smile
I am pressed against my sister
As everyone jumps into place
I’m blinded once again
I hear the leaves rustle
And my irritation disappears
As I remember why my family is there

late at night
the sun has gone
the moon a sliver
I lie awake
I've stared
at the ceiling
so many times before
where's Scheherazade?
to whisk my over-fraught mind
into the life of another
into restful sleep
too many years
with no sleep
only the spot
on my ceiling
I know it well
familiar
yet I do not
love it

In Spring one year
I walked along a preworn path
The sky was clear
Who could suspect the aftermath
Along the path I met the wall
Its cold, hard surface caught the eye
Etched upon the slabs were heroes all
Chilling, yet touching to passersby
I can barely express with a stave
The emotion stirred by such a sight
Of the names of the soldiers Vietnam sent to the grave
The wall of names in D.C. seems to utter “was it right?”

she stood beside the river bank
twisting knots in her dress
though getting soaked by the rain
she remained nonetheless
until she caught sight of the boat
her hands dropped
her face drained of its color
her golden boy inside was not
dimly through the raindrops
she heard his final plea go silent

Sitting in a glade I feel each blade
My feet walk within a square completely bare
Next to me flowers as far as the eye can see
Below me grass upon which my time I like to pass
Going going it is gone I have remained too long
Everything they told me I know it cannot be
So upon my feet I take my retreat
I go to the field where the truth can be revealed
For “the field of flowers tells no lies” (quote from Sandford Lyne)

“Loosen these ropes that bind me”
Begged the captive lion
“Forget what I did to your loved one
Can’t you see that I am trying?”
The lion was a sad one
Caught in the web of time
“It used to feel good, used to be fun
But only now does it feel like a crime”
Forgetting all he was taught
His natural instincts impaired
He’s slowly, but surely drowning
His sadness is beyond compare
He’s done things he regrets
The ones who care for him regret too
They cannot help but ask him
“What has happened to you?”

Those simple brittle leaves
Hanging high up in the trees
We pass them by each day
But do we ever stop to say…

In summer
Thou green bodies sway in the breeze
Topping once bare branches like shirt sleeves

In fall
Going for a new dew
The trees seek to change you to a new hue

In winter
Your lives are nearly over
Slowly each of you floats down like a river

In spring
Welcome, fresh budding leaves
Your full life awaits, it’s just in the eaves

Such beauty can be derived
From leaves so happy to be alive
We may take them for granted sometimes
But how sad would we be without leaves in our lives
We’d look at all of the scary, bare trees
And wonder, such simple soft beauties are leaves

Where does he go at night
When he has left my sight
I hate to let him go
And so I’d like to know
When he leaves me
I know that he must be free
And surely he’ll come back like the sun
Returning to me as the day is begun

Where does he go at night
When he has left my sight
I sit here and wonder
Hearing his thunder
I see he’s left me once again
And so I must pretend
I know just where he goes
But truly no one knows
When he leaves me
I know he must be free

Darling, where do you go at night
When you have left my sight
Faintly he whispers in my ear
“I see how you’ve loved me these years”
Pulling back I see the gleam in his eyes
The next night he sleeps and he dies

It's been four long years since I've seen you face
It's been four long years since I've heard your voice
There's a feeling inside that is hard to place
I just wish that I had some choice

It feels like yesterday when you held my hand
Telling me I could do all that I try
I really wish I could understand
Why I stopped feeling like I could fly

You taught me so much that I never knew
I appreciate all that you gave to me
You believed in me and all I could do
Someday I hope it will set me free

You left me in the most tragic way
Didn't you realize what it would mean?
I'm not sure exactly what I can say
Your sudden parting was unforeseen

But for four long years I've been pondering
What in the world could have been done
My suppressed emotions are still wandering
It's been four long years since I've seen the sun

coffee stain on my jeans
not so bad as it seems
a sign of another morning
and oh how easygoing
the mundane things can be
a question comes upon me
to strive for perfection by cleaning
or to let alone something so endearing
that memento vivere

Blue is the color of the pens we use
Blue is the subtle hint of a bruise
Blue is the color of the visible veins
Blue is the heart when love plays games
Blue is the deepest, bright ocean
Blue is the eyes of one with much devotion
Blue is the color of the dearest sky
Blue is the sentiment of life slipping by
Blue is the embodiment of the soul
Blue is the colorful term for cold
Blue is the saddest in the rainbow
Blue is the mind when the wind blows
Blue is a special type of art
Blue is what I feel when we are apart

When the sun went down
When my lips did frown
When your hand reached mine
When we lost sense of time
When we walked for miles
When I hid my heart in my smiles
When I heard it from you
That is when I knew

Today, tomorrow, yesterday
what difference does it make
when everyday is filled
with things that take?

Unrelenting and unrepentant
is the way pain works,
not a spare eager moment
is unaware that it lurks.

A life tries to ignore it
and for a while succeeds
but it comes back ten times worse
or so it may seem.

You wait quietly
in hopes that it subsides
but as you come to learn
pain always denies.

somewhere in my memory
you are drowning slowly
rendered formless
flowing with the whispers
of my past thoughts
a gauzy film
through which you pass
tears from you a moment had
the toll paid you float on
into an unfathomable abyss
a chilling atmosphere
liquid drops ascend
and travel to the dull orbs
that are my eyes
glittering in a strange way
the recollection brings life to them