quiet minds lightly preoccupied
unspoken words that don’t need to be said
a white house in a white room
where all the light is green
pushed through an old bottle
just the three of us, like it used to be
    -minus one
naivety lost
it’s shadow still hangs in the dustiest corners of the room
i leap through velvet mountains
and dive through smokey books
no sounds can penetrate the walls of our silence
i can see the smile in your eyes
twisting your face for the first time in forever
giggles and remnants of the past
as we delve into years back
of white afternoons

standing in the kitchen
just the two of us
and a flame
flickering blue
the smell of a gas stove
and your soap
that's too strong and too earthy
i lied and said that it smelled nice in the store
because you liked it
and now it simmers in the foot between us
and we watch the processed red "food" burn
from a can
beefaroni
watery thin red
it tastes like nothing
in the clear bowl we used since the beginning of time
intensely
words slip out
between the carefully guarded gates of my mouth
empty empty sad sad
all a facade
that you now see though
2 minutes together
and my mind is screaming
secrets well hidden
lies well deceived
you press the bowl into my hands
and turn out the light
"oops"
you apologize
no real need
i've walked enough times in the dark to know my way around
in the quiet pocket of my room
the 4 walls
soul witnesses to my fall
watch as my head spins
and my eyes close
heat burning through the bowl
burning fingers
but i don't feel anything
no more room for food
i can't find the strength to place it down
i wasn't really that hungry anyways

i like to look in the mirror
and dissect the person staring back
until features are just jagged lines
and stolen shapes
protruding chin
witchy nose
curved into a long *****
a beard of pimples
surrounding small lips
and a mustache to strike envy into any man
caterpillar eyebrows
darker than the hair on my head
which is dry and flat and falls into my face
chipmunk cheeks
practically falling out of wide cheekbones
long legs
too skinny
knobby knees
hairy white tree trunks
that i suppose pass for legs
spider fingers
no curves
just a pale board
with eyes and skin covered in mold
and red
always red
from
tears
always tears
society's worst fear stares back at me
"ugly"
my own words
i say them to myself now
i see your point

just hormones
i tell myself
not real pain
not a big deal
but everything hurts and i want to die
just hormones 
hiding behind eyeliner
it masks the red 
i wasn't crying
allergies
mine are bad this time of year
i wasn't sad
why do you ask?
how ridiculous
i
don't
get 
sad
i don't need help
 i just need some time alone
no people
just the static crackling of a car radio a few yards away
a talk show with the volume **** turned too loud
screams and laughter from where my friends stand
they aren't like me 
they don't want me
i don't want them
i'll hide in a corner
hide behind a mask
of eyeliner
and lip gloss
cloaked in shadows
drip drip
goes the water
it's cold over here
but hidden
nobody can see me
i'm just another person on their phone
clipped into technology 
indifferent 
not in pain
just hormones 
i remind myself
you aren't really hurting
the slightest touch will turn your eyes into waterfalls
so stay hidden 
stay safe
it's ***** over here
bird **** on a window
how is it that even possible?
moist
disgusting
guarded by 6th graders
to afraid to approach me
but i can feel their eyes on me
creepy pasta
is what they discuss
as they beat their violin strings
with their bows
unpleasant noises
there's my mom's car
pulling up
get ready
smile
energy
brush your hair back
natural
act natural
"How was your day?"
hard
"Fine"
it's just hormones.

ok
no
no
no
i'm not
i haven't been
and i never will be
but i'll pretend
sink deeper into the recesses of mind
the darkest corners
walls made of  loathing
and anger
and envy
no
no
no
i'm not okay
"I'm okay."

i can feel all the bones in the back of my neck
with my hands
protruding
hard
rounded
under the tight blanket of my skin
they keep my head up
big job they have
it’s always hanging down
heavy with the weight of little things that don’t really matter
so few in numbers
so many in strength
curled into a ball
i can feel each one
a little bump beneath my skin
can they really be connected?
blankets curled around my feet
too hot
too cold
the quiet light falling over me
there's a skeleton inside of me
that's all i am
underneath all this blubber
bones
i feel my neck bones
heavy with the weight of little things

she was like a splash of acrylic paint
on a canvas of watercolor
she did not fade in
she did not soften
she was bright
bold
beautiful
something different
the other watercolors
whispered and laughed
she held her head high
but i could see her lips tremble
they pulled her into them
they watered her down
she sunk into the canvas
just a little discolored spot on the paper