i crack my fingers and clear my throat
trying to force out something that was once so natural,
something that kept me alive in my time of sparseness and loneliness
i can't remember a single friend from that time
i am my best friend now
and it's strange how things come and go,
the ebb and flow,
one day i'm lost in mania and bright lights and open mouthed kisses and the next
i am contemplating my solitude,
hunching my back and spending all my time in front of a mirror
there is much 2 see
there is much 2 be
i'm working on myself
by myself
for myself
i have room for others but they have to knock
i'm not inviting anyone in,
who knows
who's a bloodsucker
who's a *******

who knows who knows maybe a hope filled who knows maybe a less bitter, hope filled,
    who knows

1
mania
brightness
kisses
false kindness
hope
happy times
lies lies lies

2
emptiness
gray
black shirt
ill fitting jeans
dry hair so dry dry dry dry
a girl held it and remarked
on it
and i cried that night
my heart was so large
so so so painfully soft
and virginal when faced with reality

3
no food
no food
no food
not allowed
no hope

now

progression?
regression?
i'm going somewhere and that's better than nowhere
maybe my words will take up a lilt again
and i'll rhyme cleverly again
maybe i'll find a happy medium

who knows who knows

safety pinned skin
composed of stardust and sin,
capability within
i dont trust men
i dont trust men

underneath my skin is a creature
with hate for brains
rain for blood
liquid for solid
solid for liquid
its a ****** up creature and each breath is a victory
a challenge?
it doesn't know and it wails and hits me and hurts me
it paints on my thighs with purple and yellow and green
it paints on my fingers with tears and *** i don't wanna have
car ******* crash this car is ******* crashing and i want a **** cigarette

the emptiness fills me

like nothing else has ever done before

the emptiness ***** the thrill from me

like no death has ever done before

the emptiness kills me

slowly

softly

i can still smell my hair dye and see the sweet similar smiles of the people who put it in my hair and i can still smell your shampoo and see your tongue tarnishing my name and i can see you looking at people in the cold way you looked at me and the cold way that you hurt me and i can see your hair flicking and you drawing people in and making them see a person who isn't there a reflection it only shows the pretty parts not who you are and i can see those similar smiles smiling and laughing and i can hear you making everyone hate me and ******* honestly ******* to hell

LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIARLIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR YOU WANTED ME BECAUSE I WAS SHINY AND YOU REALIZED I WAS SCRATCHED AND LEFT LIAR LIAR LIAR

i've imagined being who you are it's what keeps me up at night and makes me sob and **** violently as i think of leaving marks on people the way you do
and i feel bad for you i really do but i also see your your eyes so cold and your lips forming insults and dodging away from me we're not calling a ***** a ***** here we're calling it a queen and worshipping it