My boyfriend says I'm pretty and smart
A curse I would say
It caused a thousand different men
To implant a spirit of lust in me
Which is hard to shake off
And without choice
God took my hand and told me it's okay
Jesus came into my life and showed me the way
I'm afraid to take the first step, so terrified I want to hide and be neutral
but that is impossible
I don't want to be like everyone else, but it's so easy
I want that piece of heaven in the sky and in my heart, but it's so difficult to fly
Jesus is so beautiful and everything about God's kingdom is so grand
I just feel so ***** sometimes
I'm even afraid to be forgiven
Because smoking and drinking and having *** are too easy, too enjoyable
*** is slowly leaving me
The desire is gone, because I've been hurt with it too many times
But how do you tell this to someone who loves you and makes love to you because he's in love?
He would never in a million years understand
He has his own path to follow, and I have no idea which one it is
Because he doesn't even have direction
So it isn't wise to follow him anyway, though I wish there were another way
I dream of a man who would wait
And would love me and respect me enough to forgive me for all the things I've done
And when we've been devoted to each other, he views me as pure and beautiful-just for him
He knows how to support himself
He would support me
But we are a team
We are both a part of God's kingdom
Our romance is everlasting
And so all the aspects of life would be in place
Call me a dreamer? You're wrong
It's in the book, it's REAL
I know people who are doing it
I'm just so slow to learn, so fearful I'm paralyzed
Because everything in my life would have to crumble before I made the decision to be perfect

My boyfriend says I'm extreme
It really is one way or another
On the inside I'm a 2%-er
So disgusted by the ways of the 98%, yet I love them too much to let them go
Hard work is hard work and that's what it takes to cross over
Sometimes I think it would be better to be ignorant
To think that there's really no other way and simply assimilate myself to a vapid existence
As long as I am having fun
But I know of a promise for paradise and an extraordinary human experience
But it's too great for me right now
It's too big
So intimidating
Though I know I torture Jesus with every breath I take
As I continue to do nothing about it.

The very second he leaves
A dark void begins to form
I finger the musical keys
With melancholic music I mourn

Because when he was here I could breathe
I could smile and talk and sing
But now that he took the heart on my sleeve
All that is left is remembering

I know in my depth my knight will return
To the stone cold castle in the sky
But I still have gargoyles and urns
And things that could easily die

I have created a collection
Of monstrous items to hold
I cannot seem to win the battle
Between me and my wretched soul

My hair has grown long since I saw him last
Longer than the crimson lace of my dress
Trying to leave a shadow I can’t even cast
Leaving me hungry for blood and flesh

The portcullis of my terrain
Is wrapped in red and dead roses
With each gust they whisper his name
As each lifeless petal poses

The vine of thoughts strangles my weak neck
I promised the world I’d be strong
I want him as well to be fit on his trek
If not, have we all been living wrong?

Death is tempting when you have a moat
Surrounding your very home
Rope or dagger to the throat?
I prefer to be left alone!

The Hourglass is my worst enemy
He haunts me in my dreams
When slumber lets me in for a peak I see
My heart with all its fragile seams

I tell myself there’s a Queen inside
Where is she now?
She’s let the people starve and suffer
She’s let the people down

The people are inside her head
The people of the future’s past
A drink and smoke can only let
The fear come just as it passed

Nothing will aid the aching
The Queen has gone mad
She throws what ends up breaking
But it is making no one sad