sometimes i get so scared
that i might die
before i live
that i'll never take
a risk
a chance
or throw in all the chips

and what if i forget
how to be happy alone
i can't make that mistake
like so many before me

if don't live my life now
no one else will
this i write
freely
let it all start now

in all the love songs
in all the books
that moment when love collapses
they all focus on the pain

but i have to know
where that lost love goes

is it dead?
corpses floating in our hearts?
or did that other take it
away
or maybe
it falls away
to wander freely

or perhaps
we are meant to search for it
for the rest
of our days

the flare up
the burn down

scent immediately

with each new flame
a string breaks

with barely and exhale
it dies
and then
nothing

surrounded by a circle
the pain recedes
settles

feel of dust
rough fabric
cold

heat behind eyes
light harsh

but
here

first boy to kiss me
first to call me beautiful
first to say "i love you"

first to twist my heart
first to make me ache
with pain honest as life

first to make me die
a thousand deaths inside
first to make me weep
until my soul was dry

and that love that never came to be
that ended far too soon
is the one that shatters me
more than any lover could

suddenly
it hits me
like a wall

no longer
will i run

my head cracked
i bleed

place blame?
none
not enough
not right

i'm sorry

not away
toward

toward freedom
toward change
toward growth
stop

you cannot
stay