XXXVI.
because you really don't want to hurt them you just still cant believe that anyone cares enough to be hurt when you hurt yourself

XXXVII.
because every new year you say you'll get better and you don't you still don't know if you should be independent of arbitrary dates that you trust so much even if they've never helped you

XXXIII.
because it hurts so much either way

XXXIV.
you'll just have to decide which you prefer

XXXV.
because you really gotta put more faith in rough drafts

XXXVI.
because you always want everything to be perfect but you know by now it won't be

XXXVII.
because these thoughts don't even really scare you anymore or maybe you're used to being afraid, but you know you'll stay, even if this place is unchanging

XXXVIII.
because that's only half the battle sometimes,
this times its not even that

XXXIX.
because you've never been this close to both life and death at the same time

XL.
because you're not afraid anymore to make rash decision you think you should fear what might happen because of that

XLI.
because, for now, the solution- the next step, is changing everything

XLII.
because until now changing has only meant covering up better

XLIII.
because maybe you can get better on your own, and maybe you can't

XLIV.
but the point is if you reach out you will never know if you could have done this independently, but if you cant do it on your own and you still try,

XLV.
because I know,
it's okay to reach out for help but,
is it okay to hold on?

XXVIII.
because your wrist is cramped up and everything's so temporary but you just want permanent change you want change so bad

XXIX.
because you want to ruin yourself  but how can you do that and also help everyone else

***.
because it's always so tempting to say you can stop caring and it's always so tempting to say you can take care of them while ruining yourself

XXXI.
because you really don't know how anyone gets better or if they do

XXXII.
because you know to be okay you'll have to be there for yourself, too and nothing has ever seemed so impossible as this

XXXIII.
because really you know they'll be okay without you because you're not entirely necessary

XXXIV.
because you don't want to be necessary not really because you don't trust yourself but also you do because then you'd have a reason to stay but you really don't know if you want that either

XXXV.
because you can see the future coming but you can't see yourself and you've always struggled with faith

XXII.
because you spent years discovering different agonies and you've decided the worst is the constant the unchanging the one that has no end and no result because you can't escape

XXIII.
because deep down you know this is self care this sleeping this hiding this crying this writing because even if it hurts it's a change

XXIV.
because you thought you were invalid for even at your worst you couldn't help but think about getting better so maybe that wasn't the worst but you know now you always just thought of change be it good or bad

XXV.
because you really honestly truly and surely don't believe you can make the right decision about getting better or worse without help

XXVI.
because you haven't gotten better yet and that would be a change but you also haven't gotten to rock bottom yet and that would be a change

XXVI.
because you have to make a decision now

XIII.
because you hate everything you've become and everything you've always been and you hate being stagnant and you hate change because you hate people seeing you

XIV.
because you wrote 'be sad' and it looked like dead because you wrote 'crying' and it looked like life

XV.
because you never wrote anything you were supposed to

XVI.
because you told him everyone told you you couldn't and he got mad on your behalf and you let him but you were really the only one who convinced yourself of that

XVII.
because you told her you loved her and you don't know if you were lying, you just wanted her alive and to you that means the same thing, like yeah you love her, just not the way she wants you too

XVIII.
because this is something that's only hurt me, that will never make me feel better

XIX.
because you really thought you would never get here

**.
because this is the best feeling in the world

XXI.
changing

VII.
because I used to be so afraid of everything of failing of crying of breaking of destroying of being hated of hating of feeling but I nearly failed everything this time and I'm tearing everything apart but I still can't feel anything enough to write anything cohesive because I don't really know who I am anymore

VIII.
because you're not supposed to break down at 2:32pm regardless of whether or not time is a human construct light isn't and you're not supposed to be this sad in the light Sam you're not you're not Sam you're not

IX.
because you can never you can never ever ever ever say anything that describes how you feel as well as songs can because you're not artistic

X.
because everyone you love is an artist or art and you will never be either

XI.
because you can never be constant you can never be in or out of control you can never even be inconstant either you can never be anything real or unreal you can never be sad about normal things

XII.
because you failed at even failing you failed at convincing everyone you were okay you failed at being loveable you failed at crying like all the things you do

I.
because I'd rather be sad in this small dark place and blame it on the dark,
than be sad out in the world and have nothing to blame but myself

II.
because I can't remember any other feeling

III.
because maybe recovery isn't for me

IV.
because maybe okay isn't for me

V.
because maybe happy isn't for me

VI.
maybe it never was

I want to bleed out all my regret and forget,
but I'm willing to bet I don't have that much control over what I lose, or how much