I’ve got to sleep on the outside of the bed
closest to the window
closest to the door
it’s crossed my mind
more than once
more than a few times
more than enough times
that it must be because I like to run away
and an easy exit
is a relief

I’ve always liked to run away
I’ve always liked too much space

I’m claustrophobic
by the wall
my heart pounds
like I’m trapped
in
and there’s something so stupid
about how
if I need to get up to *** or get a glass of water,
or stand underneath the moonlight,
barefoot,
I’ll wake him up
and the intimacy of sharing an
"I can’t sleep" moment
scares the **** out of me
because the question "why?" always follows
and I’m not ready to answer that question
just yet -
even though we’ve had ***,
I’m not ready to be that intimate

and
I can’t stand a man
that snores
though it seems like most of them do
and all I can do
is make do
and just lay there, until suddenly,
I’m asleep
but then he’ll move and I’m awake again,
until suddenly I’m not
and then it’s morning
and our breath smells
and it’s embarrassing to kiss
until it’s not anymore
and then I’ll want him to leave
but it’s rude to ask someone to leave
even though everyone has the right to
want to be
alone —

I think

I’m beginning to run away
again.

glass castle,
somebody save me
I feel like
everybody always
n e e d s  m e
when will I
b r e a t h e?
come inside & keep warm
in my glass castle,
somebody save me
it looks
s t a b le
lotsa food on the table
but of course
you know
glass is
f r a g i l e
it breaks when my heart
a c h e s
glass castle,
somebody save us
I’ve let you all down

there is always the luxurious option
of
picking something up
and putting it down for awhile
and then picking it up again later,
if you want to,
like emotions and lovers and friends and jobs
and personalities

it’s a commitment to not committing; to running away;
to the shift of moments

but I think there is just something
so special
about staying
and saying:
hey I’m gonna try really hard not to run away this time
because running away doesn’t cure anything, it just builds endurance
and sometimes that kind of endurance
just
isn’t
as
important
as stopping still in front of the mirror
and really looking at yourself,
in the eye,
not only knowing you’re worth so much love, but also
actually
feeling it.

I miss using words
like acrylic paint
I miss the strokes
my mind would create
but nothing feels
as good as peace
there isn’t one word
that can give that kind of release

tired of feeling like
everything i want to write is the same thing
over again
like looking out the window and seeing autumn leaves
with lots of blue sky and still feeling pitted with webs
like cancelling every plan and path toward a droplet of success
for solitude
like curling up in bed the whole afternoon
mostly i hate that everything i want to write
or create
is the same thing
over again

hold me in your heart
and if you can’t do that,
hold me in your arms
and if you can’t do that,
hold me in your eyes
and if you can’t do that,
please never ever ever contact me
ever again,
as I feel quite fragile
and I can’t even say why
perhaps
my lifestyle can be too vulnerable.

midnight was exhilarating
afoot, steadfast with a purpose
of leaving one place
to get to another

but it turned over to one in the morning
and that was nervousness of time,
of premonition and marvel shock;

then time was two and I lit a candle
in my bedroom for you
but you said three
so I read a book that often calms me

though three turned over to four
and you still haven’t come by my door

I cannot find sleep
I’m a sucker for closure
why didn’t you come?

I sat in a snowbank
because I could
my *** froze, then my thighs, then my toes
the extremities began to hurt on their way to numbness
and I thought,
I could sit here all day even though I’m in such pain
and I thought,
it’s something I do every single day

if you don’t remember me in ten years time,
I really don’t mind
because time walks
and gets to look at street signs and forests and waterfronts
and deserts and mountains and all of the little messages in books
that can’t help but change your outlook
and the beds of new lovers
and the eyes of new lovers
and that new lover’s wetted skin in the shower.

there was a day when I was trying to remember
all the names of all the boys I have ever kissed
and I couldn’t
because time walks
away
and is bound to forget
a few magical moments.

knew the other
like we knew the sky
I was often rainy grey
you were often the perfect summer day

made love
on three different occasions
in total, five times
it was kept secret
the last time was more remarkable
than any other intimate night

surrendered ourselves
to fate

will never stop loving each other
even when I hate
all that exists

are timelessly compatible
but it wouldn’t make sense
and it’s not the time for that
though we are timeless

are nothing
together
and everything  
because of it

will see each other again
probably in a new country
a new continent
that is almost a fact to me

will never stop loving each other
that is a fact to me

I’ll see you when my pockets fill
with money and boredom and love that spills
out, flooding streets,
roads, fields, highways, sky
there’s endless width and length
and space that spreads so far
between two hearts that never blink when
eyes are clear and mouths make smiles
between us,
two hearts that met in perfect age
in date, in term, in season, in phase
I guess,
it’s up to loss,
I guess, it’s up to luck
maybe to the extent of giving up
or, I hope,
to the extent of dedication
not so firm, just light
like effortless rays of delight
and stars and space and the milky way
- it’s honest to say
I want to see you yesterday

I’ll see you if a wish comes true
I’ll make your bed and lay with you
sunsets **** worthlessness in the summertime
and nighttime is my favourite here
the moon and I made friends last year
I’ll introduce you to Her Majesty, I’ll introduce you to
our River Valley
my fingers crave your shoulder blades
the muscles,
warmth,
squishy skin I love to hold
and if you saw the bunnies hop, your mouth would drop,
your eyes would pop

my goodness, I’m losing my sense of strength
I’m so used to telling myself I need the restraint
all the time
my god, all the time
from glory & cheer & bliss
and most of all, waning to kiss and kiss
and kiss you
it hurts to want so much, so bad
it hurts to want what I can’t have

my hopes take a swim like
flags in the wind
there’s not one real thing that tells me
you love me
I say this because I’m not sure if intuition
is real
I think we just like to make things up to feel
wanted or worth it
or divine, even just a little bit
there’s not one real thing that tells me
I love you
but this scope of time and distance
tells me our version of the word
"us"
has no ambit
there is no measure
no limit
and sun is just as great as us,
and we are just as great as air
it’s impossible to express
because what we have is so rare

I started to write a love poem about you
but then it turned into a love poem about someone else
that’s what getting over someone is like
it comes in portions
one day
I’ll write an entire love poem or song about you
maybe 7 or 8
I hope right now
you can settle for half

cleanse my head
cleanse my core
there's nothing I'd love more
than to wash up on your shore

clean my thoughts
clean my mouth
I don't exactly know how
but there's no reason to doubt


clear my eyes
clear my heart
even though we are apart
we will always have our art

have you heard the wind stirring like a whisk in a bowl of raw egg
there isn’t one chief direction it blows
it’s everywhere
over roof tops, through each blade of grass, leaves, your hair, your skirt, your skin hurts
cold
blush bitten
soft to scraped
there is this murmuring noise that is too difficult to block out
because it stops - all of a sudden
then begins again
with no real rhythm
like a pulsating addiction
trying to get your attention
it’s me
it’s me
it’s me!
why aren’t you listening?
why won’t you look at me?
hello?
I’m still here
I’m still here
I’m still here!
why are you leaving?
where are you going?
hello?
it’s me
why are you ignoring me?
I’ll snap this tree and shatter your window
I’ll cut the telephone pole wires
I’ll crack cement deep enough for you to trip in
what do I have to do for you to notice me?
hello!
it’s me
it’s me
it’s me!

my
libido
has
slowly
been
shutting
down
each
time
I
have
an
opportunity
with
intimacy
with
somebody
that
isn’t
**you

she was feeling very lonely
as she walked through the forest
until
she said to the trees,
''i am alone.''