we always want to re-invent ourselves when we feel
rejected, unwanted, left to the side.
we dye our hair or cut our hair or style our hair
so differently, so drastically, so unrecognizable.
we pack on make-up or strip our make-up
or pierce our faces, belly buttons, get tattoos, choose a permanent mark
to remind us of something solid;
something that represents
self-sufficiency or this too shall pass,
because we know we are gonna feel
rejected, unwanted, left to the side again
(and again, and again).
we buy new clothes, give away old ones to our friends,
new shoes, new bags, new look.
and we’re always picking up new vices, new habits, new addictions.
cigarettes, alcohol, razors,
all the late night reckless binges on wine, narcotics, food, cutting ourselves.
sometimes we pick up healthy ones too,
like running, swimming, dancing, yoga, meditating, resetting sleep patterns, taking vitamins, treating ourselves to the spa, eating regularly, getting out of the house to see friends.
we either avoid intimacy at all costs because we can’t fathom
the concept of trust anymore
or we dive into it with practically anyone, just to feel something real
because we are so ******* lonely,
but we never really feel anything real at all.
we make resolutions, goals, plans for our next relationships
so that they won’t follow the same patterns as our last crumbling ones
(they usually still do).
some of us change what we like, what we want, what we need
to impress people so that they
fall in love with us and will never leave us.
we begin disregarding ourselves for another person,
or disregarding everyone else for ourselves,
both because we don’t want to get hurt again.

and then somewhere, somehow after weeks, months, maybe even years of
the full fledged wavering of
destruction meeting recovering meeting ignorance meeting shyness meeting loneliness meeting accepting meeting fear,
we start to see the intricacies of the pattern much clearer -
we make all of these sudden changes because
we just want to feel better,
we just want to be better;
that’s all.
it’s taking charge, which is healthy.
it’s also making fact and point that we need to change to deserve love,
which is unhealthy.
all of it is like learning algebra for the first time,
some of us take a bit longer to understand it all; the formulas, the variables, the balance.
and once we understand the formula, the variables and the balance,
then we can welcome back the beautiful,
real version
of ourselves we’ve been trying to
cover up.

I think people often forget
the big picture and think that everything is coming
to an end
or that they’ve ruined so much in their lives already.
Something really overwhelming happens to them for a few months
and they think all hope and possible
healing is lost.
All they want to do is wallow and wish it were all
different, never accepting
what’s really going on.
It’s that kind of self-absorption that stunts
the quality time in life.
It’s an obsession that stunts our means
of enjoyment.

if you have the choice
(you always have the choice in every ******* second)
to be vulnerable or to be guarded,
choose vulnerability
because it’s honest
it’s clear, it’s concise, it’s the realest thing you’ll ever feel.
lying and reminding yourself to keep lying,
smiling and reminding yourself to keep smiling,
crying and reminding yourself to stop crying
can be such hard work
and honesty, even when throat throttling blatant,
even when timidly tender,
even when sharply studded, or sickly injured,
will always save you in the end
even if it hurts like dry ice whistling on your heart,
even if the person you love chooses to depart,
even if the pit in your stomach is knotting, or rotting
and you feel hopeless, worthless, foolish, guilty,
horrid, evil, mixed up or unhealthy -
honesty
will always save you in the end

it is not a lie
I love you
far from you,
yet true
I don't long either
I just am
here
loving you
so totally
it is overwhelming
to want nothing from you
and just love you
you are caged in
by gut feelings
that have been long ignored
and yet to be released
floating around in your ribcage
but you are a butterfly
and you don't know yet
that you can flutter
out & about
through the bars
to the trees

just because I’m being cute doesn’t mean
you’ll forgive me.

just because I want to talk about what happened doesn’t mean
you want to share your feelings

just because I’m listening to Pachelbel doesn’t mean
I’ll get out of bed.

just because I’m staring at my ukulele doesn’t mean
I’ll write a song.

just because I tell everyone else not to fret the small stuff doesn’t mean
that I won’t.

just because you call me doesn’t mean
I’ll answer.

just because I’m with my friends doesn’t mean
I’m not lonely.

just because I said I ate today doesn’t mean
I actually did.

just because I want to see you now doesn’t mean
I’ll want to see you tomorrow.

just because I’m really honest doesn’t mean
I’m not a good liar.

just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean
I’m not crying on the inside.

not your body
not your skin
not the tips of your peachy fingers
not your passionate kiss
not your heart beat
not your breath hovering over my neck,
sending goosebumps and shivers down my spine
not your eyes sighting upon my beauty
or my loveliness or my seduction or my carefreeness
I want to feel you
move
inside
not inside of me
(though, that could be nice too)
inside of you
your own heart
your own echoing cage of ribs
that lock up even scarier skeletons
than the skeleton holding it all together
I want to feel you
without being with you
without holding you
without seeing you
without constantly thinking of you
without wanting you
I want to feel you
when I am miles away,
reading a book with a cup of tea in pyjamas
when you are in class and hear something brilliant
someone just said,
something that makes you stop and think of me
without resentment
without longing
without need
without hiding
something so simple, so clear and so pertinent
something that moves and removes the clutter
in you
I want to feel you love
yourself,
the world,
the trees, the scrapes on your heart’s knees
and me
with no want and no need

it’s hard to see people that have upset you
that have unknowingly made you cry;
to be in the same room as them and laugh with everyone,
pretending like everything is okay
when the uproar of feeling sick to your stomach
is telling you
everything is not okay
because standing next to this person hurts more than
any regular anxiety attack.
standing next to this person makes you want to run away
and stay perfectly still in the same moment.
you lie to protect your pride
you lie well, you hide well, you hurt well.
it’s the wanting them to know that comes and goes
it’s the wondering if they know that never goes.
you’re on your way out the door
feeling the smack of fresh air hit your heavy lungs
and you’re alone with the shame
of never being honest.

why is it so hard to see you?
i crumble and i croak
hopeful words dance at the back of my throat
now i’m hopeless
now i’m in a mess
of you or her or him or me
it’s like moving to a new country
and getting the hang of their weird plastic currency
and why the **** is talking to you so hard?
i tumble and i frizzle
a glass smashed into shards
aggravation takes me over because
anxiety takes me over because
suppression takes me over because
i want ******* control over ******* everything
i want to ******* know what i’m ******* doing
what i’m ******* thinking
i tremble and i palpitate
the thirst never sedates
like a lion ******* blood or a needle weaving thread
so much to go around
too much to go around
i’m not sure how to go about
underwater is where i wish i was
underwater, everything is muted
everything is calmer and resentments are diluted
i long to feel less polluted
i long to feel less consumed by
that and this and all the ******* frolicking ****
it pulls and tears and rips in shears
still standing there
i am still standing there
why the **** am i still standing there
here
like a fish suffocating in air
like a statue stands with a smile it can’t wipe off
i sweat under smiles
i want to wipe it off
i want to turn it off
why won’t i just ******* take it off?
why is it so hard to know who you are?
seeing a glimpse of a break down is making me stick around for you
do you still want me to stick around for you?
i crush and i tamper
with anything i can get my hands all over
it really doesn’t matter
what or who or how hard i hit
cause nothing is good enough for this ******* *****

I love you when you’re gone
I love you when you’re here
I love you when you miss me
I love you when you’re real

I hate you when you dodge
I hate you when you lie
I hate you when you’re distant
I hate you when you’re high

& even though I’m doubtful
flaky-mental-mad-lunatic-insane-******
the cuts of your sharpest ice
still, for me, suffice

are not attractive to the man she adores
but that is the only reason she adores him
in the first place

she would not consider him a catch or a man or the love of her life
if he got up early to take a train to the field she lays in

or often called upon her, not only with the
sweetness and charm he retains
but with eagerness and pleasantry, both sincere as a fox craves
a good bird in his jaw, but with spright instead of haste
and with the devotion of rapture without rancour

his eyes are like a tray of a kitten’s sharp teeth
latching onto the pretty bird of his fancy,
and all of her hope infused in her blood only accumulates
as he sinks in for more sorrow
‘til the last grind that never does seem to come

he tries to peel parts of her he doesn’t like
she lets him

a fruit without any husks is not safely kept and often rotten
to grow, you must protect yourself from damage, yet allow yourself
to be bruised enough for simple sweetness
that lays sincerely inside

Tongue-tied butterflies, the tickling flutter inside -
but it’s not the good kind,
it’s the sucker-punch kind
that makes you nauseous and want to stay in bed all day
looking out your window
until your heavy hulk eyelids snap shut
and you dream of the fantasy where you are not this
wretched, evil or confused.
Everything makes sense there.
All you do is dance with one person
underneath the leaf-canopy of a sycamore tree.
You kiss and your bellies rumble with laughter,
for each other, with each other.
And when they scurry off, you are alone,
but you’re alright because you’ve seen what you look like in the mirror,
and you’ve never been so pleased.
The meaning of love in this faerie land forest is to simply, be, as you are
with nothing but yourself.
Nothing but your hands,
nothing but your eyes.
It’s the sparking connection,
touching someone else,
and seeing their lips curl into the most vivacious grin.
It makes love special but it doesn’t make love, for you already are such.
I awaken at the sound of chirping birds,
my window still glowing of shady sunlight.
Tongue-tied butterflies, the tickling flutter inside -
but it’s not the good kind,
it’s the sucker-punch kind
that makes you sick,
you see how sick you are,
you are sick of who you are.

it’s your birthday
but you’re still dead

your brother must miss you
especially today
you’ve shared every birthday
every single one
but you’re not alive anymore

sometimes when I am playing the piano,
I look up to the left and notice your
funeral picture
you’ve got a killer smile
it’s one of the best I’ve seen
anyway,
I look up and see you smiling
and I suddenly have all of this passion
in my voice and fingertips

happy birthday

cleanse my head
cleanse my core
there's nothing I'd love more
than to wash up on your shore

clean my thoughts
clean my mouth
I don't exactly know how
but there's no reason to doubt


clear my eyes
clear my heart
even though we are apart
we will always have our art

lovely, these pages I sew
for sadness I know not to tamper with like a joke -
a sick joke that people find amusing.
I do not find that kind of joke, or you to be amusing.

I clasp my hands tightly together, interlocking knuckles
and sit very still while the company is antsy to inspect
me for any weakness.
(I am always assuming everyone is out to judge me so rashly)
I am straining my back and the very moment I slouch,
I will fall into the pit of self-irritability,
yelling at myself because my bones persist on frangibility.
God! am I ever good enough?!
(I am always judging myself so rashly)

I want to buy myself a cottage near a swamp, hoarding
the repugnant slime near my fireplace cozied up reading a book.
you may trespass; I am willing to share this (hell) with you
if you wish to get so close to me.

I do though, (at my best) suffice
lingering around buying myself something nice (you could put it)
when I'm aggravated, I tend not to listen
not even to my own advice.

she was feeling very lonely
as she walked through the forest
until
she said to the trees,
''i am alone.''

i have so much love in me and around me
it is impossible to bathe in anything else like
a ****** resentment or an unlimited reservation of sadness

even though those sicknesses are okay and are always curable,
i feel too alive and sure of myself to cough up a loogie of ill-peace

how can I not be okay - right now?
is there a way to prove myself otherwise?

always - we are
HERE
and nowhere else

if only we'd just take a step back and take a look at the illusions
of past or future we've been rolling around in

those are just stories!
and the essence of who we are is not replicated from any external judgement
because a judgement is just another illusional story
that pries into our belief that we will not make it through another day.
but you can, and i can
and you deserve love and i deserve love

and if you take a step back and really look at where you are,
you will see that
you are okay right now too.

I love you* isn’t

A fleeting memory of a camping trip.
It isn’t a strings attached contract that is signed out of intimidation or guilt.

It doesn’t last ‘until…’
You disappoint me. You abandon me. I find something better.

nor does it lay within the depths of ‘only ifs’ :
{only if you love me - only if you see me for who I am - only if you bake me an apple pie}


I love you is
Being able to love myself and vulnerably feel safe with who I am- in your  eyes

It means you are free to be you, to choose freely for yourself and bring forth any awakening, lesson or consequence with no judgment or close-minded examination.

It shakes loose of any stern expectation or obligation made for you because there is no need for you to size up to any other standard that isn’t You.
I love you means you are and always are enough.

It defines no separation between us; yet at the same time – I can celebrate my love for you without the presence of your face, voice or perfumed scent – you are always with me.

I love you is
My full acceptance for the beautiful, strong & powerful Being that you are –
In each bold and thick fiber.
It is the act of fulfilling my inner-self with such gratification and wholeness
Because it feels so utterly good to love you.

it's as if the air is thinner and fresher and my lungs pull it in
to roll around in and soak up its potent clarity

exhales sure remind me of letting go of heavy quilts
my frozen goosebumped mind longs to hide under

there is nothing to hide from, not even black holes - for
there is beauty within the unknown

a fear of blossomed beauty is a fear of losing that pinnacle of
infinitely heightened completeness

One falls for this belief when shyness to greatness is solidified -
belief they know depths and levels and proofs

knowing is knowing, yes, unknown is everything

If I knew where we were going,
I'd drive or would tell you to drive

not knowing encompasses everywhere and I'd sooner rather
look into your green eyes and drift into a black hole of unknown beauty
- where we could breathe in thinner and fresher air and
reach the peak of One with just two

whenever I feel the tremble start to ooze its way
from my compact mind to the tips of my fingers,
I immediately anticipate the fate
that I have always been able to foresee
whenever that familiar first jolt of an anxiety attack sails its way,
like a vessel in a storm
throughout my entire body

heart pounds an intolerable caution
lungs wheeze frigid determination with a rough friction
that lightly scrapes my core with a ticklish flutter
shoulders lift up into a hunch; absolutely automatic
the top tray of teeth lock clenched into the bottom tray’s hold
a fleet of air hisses in and out of two nostrils like a monk’s meditation
capacious eyes flicker from
the lid to the lash to the iris to the pupil to see everything

everyone is staring
everything is too intimidating to look at for longer than two seconds
then, the tunnel
the clearest, acute vision waters into a soft edged frame,
into a pixel mud of a picture, into a black peripheral,
black corners rounding in – a narrow and petty circle
I use it and follow it to wherever my
deepened impulse decides to take me

silently contemplating,
silently speculating,
silently examining
the fears I let my feeble self
get swallowed up in.

there is a difference between honesty and candour.

there is a difference between pleasure and joy.

a difference between relief and relaxation.

a difference between sufficient and fit.

between comfy and cozy.

between placidity and tranquility.

between restraint and stillness.

between care and cherish.

light and shine.

love and in love.

easy and natural.

real and true.

Dear You,

You are divine. You are so sweet and precious, if only you knew what it’s like to witness you laughing like nothing else matters but the nice tingling joy swelling inside of your being. Your joy is contagious and it ignites warmth in my heart.

You are remarkable. The pure resonance in your voice meets an angel’s when you speak from your heart. I love the sound of your truth. I love the sound of what you like to share about yourself. And when you feel shy or a bit ashamed of what you speak of in front of others, I still think you’re great, because you’ve got the guts to try.

You’re beautiful too. You’re beautiful when you know it and you are beautiful when you don’t know it. I love it when you know it because you smile a lot more. Your smile is one of the most beautiful things about you. Your nose crinkles and your eyes squint and your teeth are exposed. You look so vulnerable and strong at the same time, it’s mesmerizing.

Also, you are mighty talented! When you do something you love to do, you are creating bits of unique love and sending them into the universe for everyone to enjoy. Your creations are brilliant, because you made something that has never been made before. That’s amazing! Your passions guide you and help you grow in such fantastic ways. When you doubt yourself, you’re pulling away from enjoying yourself. There is so much to enjoy about you! Everything you’ve created has you in it, isn’t that spectacular?

And it’s okay to deny all of these things about yourself, because that’s a very human thing to do. If we didn’t know what it felt like to fail, then we wouldn’t even understand the feeling of success, nor would we try to achieve it. It’s funny though, because you are always succeeding, just by being you! You are even succeeding when you think you’re failing because you’re trying and you’re breathing and you’re living. You are so complete and self-sufficient, even when you forget that you are. You are a whole, unique human with whole, unique thoughts and feelings. You get to be a part of this world and share such sincerely beautiful, wise and joyous things that have the ability to inspire other people and help them heal! Wow. You can help others heal. You can help others create. You can help others grow. Just by being who you are.

It’s mind-blowing really.

it’s windy
outside

it’s windy
inside

i gather
in my mind

that you and i
combined

is a tree
in the wind

skin touching
skin

a soul between
twins

the dimples
of a grin

the leaf and
the tige

the lips and
the teeth

like coffee
like tea

the birds
fly free

the song’s
sung true

i’m in love
with you

i gather
in my mind

that you and i
combined

is more than
meets the eye

with you
i feel more alive

than i can
describe

there’s a moth crawling up my kitchen wall

I had the sudden urge to **** it

smother it with a kleenex

swat it with a rolled up magazine

it keeps crawling up

losing its steadiness, almost falling

then regaining its steadiness again

moths freak me out

they look creepy

they look fragile

they look contaminated

perhaps they are contaminated with curiosity

so am I

their flickering flame is my flickering self-sabotage

I had an urge

I wanted to **** it

I’m just like this curious creature

just as fragile

just as contaminated

I might as well be looking in a mirror

and I had the urge to **** it

hey there, i’ve got some bad news

it’ll wrap your neck tight with a noose

until your cheeks turn purple-blue

and you can’t feel your feet in your shoes

you’ll want to pick up a bottle of *****

and down it until your body feels abused

you’ll pass out and wake up confused

perhaps with a new drunken tattoo

all of your friends may be amused

but your regret and shame will suffuse

each time they point, laugh and slap the bruise

you’ll hide your pain ‘cos that’s what strong people do

and resentment will ride high through and through

‘til your face turns rock cold and you make the excuse

that everyone is ****** and they’re the ones to accuse

you’ll abandon your home without saying adieu

because you don’t need people that make you feel deduced

you don’t need to feel like you are being used

to the point you turn dark and only want to seclude

from love itself cause you can’t trust that it’s true

you can’t trust that it’s safe or that it won’t lead you askew

you might want to die, though the thought is so taboo

you’ll judge yourself for holding onto society’s views

until it comes to the point where you can’t handle the queue

the waiting for love gets tough but the whole time you grew

and it’s not so bad anymore, it even almost ensues

so you get on a boat, and row your canoe

out in the river, it’s just the water and you

and you’ll realize, finally that you’ve got nothing to lose

I opened my eyes and saw fireworks
how silly, I thought

those are street lights
I could’ve sworn they were fireworks

ripples of rhapsody saturating through my skin

*******
did you know, you’re my favourite person to kiss?

the sweet-gentle ones and the devoted-amore ones
the quick-teasing ones and the I’ve-gotta-take-a-breath-now ones
the infallible tongue and the soft grazing of lips
your hands lowering all the way down to my hips

we are a tidal wave merging in and out of the ocean

unity

harmony

zeal

I don’t care if we’re in a car, it’s nirvana all the same
heaven and azure

all the particles of my body click into place and everything
fits together
like a bowl of summer fruit

I opened my eyes and remembered
where we were

I opened my eyes and remembered
we existed

sail boats
and oceans

and really anything that floats and carries a person

far away
in a big body of water

I don’t think I have to say why

it’s obvious

I’m sure everyone has a thing for sail boats
and oceans

I like busses too
I seem to get really impatient on them, and I like that a lot
because I know I can’t do anything about it

it’s a game of
Will I Go Crazy Or Will I Have A Snooze?

I like being stuck between being stuck and being unstuck

one day I want to sit on a bus for 24 hours and see what happens
(I will be doing a lot of that in the month of October)

I’ll bring books, my iPod and movies to watch on my laptop
but I’ll probably just stare out the window hours on end
tall buildings will turn into blurry trees and blurry trees
will turn into pixilated neon canola crops
and there’ll be cows and ponies and one long road

to Montreal
then Toronto

then who the **** knows where because I am already dreading
going home after the trip
even though I haven’t left for the trip yet

it’s months to come

I have a thing for finding a new home
everywhere I go

but I never find one

I like the process of looking for a really long time
then giving up from discouragement and sad feelings of
abandonment stemmed from my childhood daddy issues

I’m pretty sure everyone has daddy-abandonment issues

I have a thing for assuming every one has the same problems
that I do

but it turns out that there are loads of girls that like to eat
lots
and don’t feel ashamed of the extra scoop of
double fudge ice cream

and there are teenagers that get along with their fathers
and look up to them
they go out for lunches and joke about dates and fix cars
and tell their little girls they’ll always be their little girls
and go on awkward shopping sprees and barbecue

but everyone has a thing for sail boats and water
we all want to escape

our eating disorder and drinking problem
a skinny body or a bulky body
bad grades and perfectionism
the people pleasing pushovers
fathers and mothers and old european traditions
family dinners that go perfectly and are so boring because of it

the fragility of feeling unique
the arrogance of feeling unique
the lack of faith in ourselves

being alone

put on a gown
and wave like a queen

in a batmobile

you keep your crown stored
in a top dresser drawer

underneath black lace lingerie
with the tags still on

put it on

you’ve got nice legs

notice them

I’d **** for a body like yours
so put your hand on your chest

and feel the beat tell you
you’re worth so much more

than you think you are
so it’s about time

you opened that top drawer