my heart still has you in it
or
my heart still wants you in it
out of the blue, I’ll begin to feel blue
I used to be something like a maggot
or a reckless parrot
on repetition
I loved you like learning about the universe
atmosphere, planets, gravity, heartache
and I said
one day
I’ll be something like a lagoon
or a stunning full moon
and I said one day
and I said
one day

lips get glued together at night
after midnight
maybe you’ll yawn
but top and bottom will glue back
like you’ve got nothing to say.
my lips feel thin
but full when pressed against a certain boy’s;
he’s far from me
and I can’t help but feel far from myself
sometimes
at night
after midnight
when it’s quiet time
and I’ve got nothing to say

my ribcage doesn’t need to say hello
every time I take off my shirt
& my thighs remind me
I Am A Woman
******;
I am
free

Grandmother Willow said
listen to your heart, you will understand
but when it pounds all I want to do is run

my heart says so many things
one minute it's telling me to climb a tree as high as the branches let me
the next it says hook line and sinker
and when I'm with someone beautiful, it says
nothing, it just
flutters and pitter patters

Mulan was always my favourite because
she had her heart broken and still
She Saved China
all on her own

my heart breaks like twigs and crumbles like dry
stiff leaves
in Autumn
and my heart is also a rubber ball that bounces from
one place to the next
too rapidly,
I forget where I am
and where I just was a moment before I ended up
wherever I ended up

my heart is like ice and sometimes if you are the right temperature,
it will melt for you
my heart is aware of fallacy and sometimes if you try to coax it,
everything I ever felt for you
won't exist anymore

a few months ago I was sitting at the back of
a midnight bus
in my hometown,
with a hippie headband on, accompanied with braids,
a long dress and moccasins of black suede
when a drunk teenager pointed and hollered directly at my face,
"you look like Pocahontas, how many John Smiths love you?"

I don't get angry anymore
I just get tired
my heart goes to sleep for days and wakes up at
the sudden gong of recognition
in eye contact
that lasts longer than just a few seconds;
my heart awakens at sunsets,
when I am sitting in a tree alone
and it awakens each time I successfully skip a stone

I've always thought highly of the two
disney cartoons
and it's not just because they can fire a harpoon
it's something like embodying the female
self-assurance,
strength of the soul,
embracing solitude like wind on a stroll
heart strong from a softening,
heart loved from singing just for singing
heart open like eye contact
that lasts longer than
just a few seconds

something unexpected yet so ordinary happened
last night
it made me wonder how exactly and
why exactly
the ordinary parts of my life are often so
extraordinary
that extraordinary, to me, has to be more than
exceptionally marvellous and nowhere near far from
outstandingly incredible
some people call it high standards,
like the top step of the ladder

I thought
last night was incredible
because you kiss exactly like how I kiss and the shock fluttered
like bits of confetti and glitter on my tongue and lips and
all over my goosebumpy skin
the cadency of my heart was somehow simultaneously
rampant and rested
my body fully invested
in yours
my body completely suggesting
it’s yours
to touch, to make feel good, to adore
the divine woman, curved and open
eyes and skin glowing
arousal growing
bodies non-existent, spirit flowing

exceptionally marvellous
I jitter in silence, knowing myself
and patterns alike
I try to throw away this burdening muddy stick of
I-always-end-up-getting-sick
of things eventually
but obviously
it’s easier to neglect the fact
that this stick is a boomerang
and it always comes right back

today I didn't do anything but I cried
so perhaps I did more
than the average person did
I watched too many movies
but if I told you the number I might get embarrassed
and I cried when Robert De Niro cried
he reminds me a lot of my dad
especially in the movie I watched with his four kids that move away from home
and constantly lie to him about their lives
oh that's a lot like what my brothers and I do
we just don't wanna worry him, y'know

I spent most of my day in bed
let's say 75%
I went outside
but that was only to buy groceries
with the money I don't technically have

my mother wanted to call
but I didn't respond
somedays you just don't feel like talking and pretending
everything is alright
sometimes you need a day where everything's not alright so that you can figure out that everything indeed is alright
and if you're wondering, I've come around to the brighter side, despite
the ****** weather and my lazy body

my body might not forgive me yet
for all the **** I've put it through
it's mostly to do with secrets and regrets
there are some things I'll easily forget until my body gets sick
and it always gets sick

and I still haven't quite gotten the hang of
sleep
and what it really means
I'll get too little and drink too much coffee
or I'll get too much and eat too much

I have a friend visiting from another city this week
he reminds me what clarity means
and what resilience means
and what inner beauty means
and I think I'd like to have a picnic in the park with him
maybe lay in the breeze and soak up the sun
he's sixty but he looks forty and numbers don't mean a thing
which is why I've decided to admit
that I watched 8 movies today