I miss using words
like acrylic paint
I miss the strokes
my mind would create
but nothing feels
as good as peace
there isn’t one word
that can give that kind of release

there, your bed is rocking
as it cradles another woman
beneath your chest
lips beneath your lips
I’m not sure if I care or not
I do a little bit
but I signed up for this without hesitation
a part of me wonders if there was hesitation
in your head
when you heard the front door squeak open
and my bedroom light turn on,
then quickly go out as I shut the door behind me
you’re not loud at all
but it’s 12:47
and I knew you were seeing her tonight
I knew you don’t usually fall asleep this early
I knew I would be coming home to this
I knew I’d have to face what I thought I’d be fine facing
but the ativan is kicking in
boy am I glad I brought it with me
and I’m not sure if I can hear her moaning
or if that’s just a car vrooming past my window outside
a lot of people call this kind of situation
****** up
or extremely strange
I don’t feel ****** up
maybe I feel a little strange
I’m just starting to question
so much,
everything
it’s healthy but it’s hurting
not as sharp as betrayal hurts,
because I’m not being betrayed in any way
it’s just the fogginess of confusion  
that makes you not know where you’re going
and it’s that familiar stagnancy and going-in-circles routine
that has begun to wring my head around
and my heart too, ever so slightly
but I’ll sigh instead of cry this time
not because I’m forcing back tears
but because I really don’t need them right now
and I’m okay
as long as I’m still wanting to live
and truth be told,
I am still wanting to live
because I need nothing but myself, really
that’s the truest truth there is
I’m fine, though a bit torn
but I’m fine and that’s basically all that matters

glass castle,
somebody save me
I feel like
everybody always
n e e d s  m e
when will I
b r e a t h e?
come inside & keep warm
in my glass castle,
somebody save me
it looks
s t a b le
lotsa food on the table
but of course
you know
glass is
f r a g i l e
it breaks when my heart
a c h e s
glass castle,
somebody save us
I’ve let you all down

we make things
we paint
we write
we sing
we play
we act
we create something beautiful
that has never ever existed before
we are unique
we are brilliant
we are healers
we make people feel depth
we have such potential
but we never see any of that
we just create
and create
and create
mindlessly & mindfully
continuously
hopefully
but we rarely stop and see the effect
our creations have on other people
once in awhile, someone will tell us,
“you are inspiring
your lyrics describe the way I feel inside
I have never felt this understood in my whole life”
and we are deeply touched
sincerely
and we are inspired to help more and more
and we create more and more
and forget more and more
the effect our art has on other people
we are humble
we are genius
yet incredibly daft sometimes

Remember,

people care about you

they think about you far more than you think they do

they see something that reminds them of you on the street or in a store and they smile because you are a great person and they love that they know you

knowing you makes them happy

knowing you might make them sad too, because sometimes people want more from you than you’re willing to give, but you shouldn’t dwell on making them upset because you are still great and you still bring more happiness to them on most days

sometimes people get sad and that’s not your fault

it is not your job to make a person feel better, and changing who you are just to make them feel better is just a false sense of loyalty that you’re showing them; and anyway, it is far more rewarding to nurture other people by being true to who you are because it is simultaneously nurturing yourself.

when you are sick, get as much affection as you possibly can and do not feel bad about it

tell someone you love them because you just do, not because you feel guilty, obligated or crave their approval

it’s not the end of the world if people don’t need you and it’s probably not the healthiest thing if they are constantly depending on you to clean their messy lives up all the time

you will never regret putting “go to the library” on your to-do list, even if you are swamped and stressed with other things to do; there is nothing quite like being among a whole world of books

don’t be embarrassed about your laugh or blowing your nose in public or even turning bright red when you do get embarrassed because there is nothing wrong with any of these things

you can be sincere or you can be manipulative, but remember that you know how it feels to be manipulated too

people ******* over all the time, but that just makes them people and you are just the same as these people because you do it too, so lighten up and see it’s not a big deal, but don’t let them walk all over you time and time again because that is just disrespectful to yourself

learn when to stay and when to walk away

you are awesome

you know what?

sometimes you just need to

go to bed

drop those stupid little obsessions that take away from good rest

I swear your head will let the light in through slumber

yes, I know you are antsy for another cup of water

yes, it’s that thirst from an absent father

yes, I’m sure there are many to blame

but sometimes you just gotta

pluck ‘til you’re bare

naked enough to share

may you be vulnerable

may you be raw and sincere

yeah, you’re lost

yeah, you’re stuck in some corner where no one can find you

but if you haven’t felt a pinch of peace in a while, get the **** up

try a different method

or you’ll cry and you’ll curse ‘til you feel nothing else

I know pride is hard to give in

and I understand how you just want to lose

but when the storm starts thundering

you’ll be alone

so get on with your life and just let it go

did you hear what I said?

just go to bed

worry is a problem that will add on to your problem

even though you feel ****** up,

you think you’re not enough,

you are human, you’re alive, you’re great

so shut the **** up a little bit

but also, know you’re allowed

to feel like you’re in hell

though you can be free if you choose not to dwell

on all that **** that makes your heart ache

and gives you nauseating anxiety

the kind of **** that pulls you away from succeeding

it’s addicting

I know that kind of pain is hard to give in

and I understand how you want to feel like ****

but when the storm starts thundering

you have the choice to die or the choice to live

so let it go

and let the real you show

and love the day

and love the night

and hold yourself like everything’s going to be alright

just ******* let it go already

I swear that you’ll feel much more stable

and much more steady

when I loved you, I wrote poetry every day
sometimes for long hours at night
I would walk around my neighbourhood in the middle of the night with a cigarette
between *******,
but I never inhaled because I never wanted to get addicted
I was already too addicted to you
and other behaviours that made it so hard to love you

but when I did love you, I’d write beautiful words on my skin
with permanent marker
because I liked the idea of a tattoo but knew I’d never get one
real permanence scared me
I’m the kind of person that changes her mind as often as she changes the colour of her nail polish
(nearly every day)
what a relevant metaphor; you were my untrue tattoo

when I loved you, I’d stay up really late wondering
if you were high or drunk again or ******* some pretty young girl
and when I got my chance, I’d kiss you til the windows of your
parked-in-the-middle-of-nowhere truck would steam up
what kind of love is that anyway?
it was a sport
an always-on-your-toes, merciless game
waiting to score
waiting to lose

but when I really loved you, none of it actually existed
it was just you and me and a long road of ******* ahead of us
it didn’t matter until it did
it came and left as it was
and love was as true as it could’ve been
we happened to each other
just because