I think people often forget
the big picture and think that everything is coming
to an end
or that they’ve ruined so much in their lives already.
Something really overwhelming happens to them for a few months
and they think all hope and possible
healing is lost.
All they want to do is wallow and wish it were all
different, never accepting
what’s really going on.
It’s that kind of self-absorption that stunts
the quality time in life.
It’s an obsession that stunts our means
of enjoyment.

if you have the choice
(you always have the choice in every ******* second)
to be vulnerable or to be guarded,
choose vulnerability
because it’s honest
it’s clear, it’s concise, it’s the realest thing you’ll ever feel.
lying and reminding yourself to keep lying,
smiling and reminding yourself to keep smiling,
crying and reminding yourself to stop crying
can be such hard work
and honesty, even when throat throttling blatant,
even when timidly tender,
even when sharply studded, or sickly injured,
will always save you in the end
even if it hurts like dry ice whistling on your heart,
even if the person you love chooses to depart,
even if the pit in your stomach is knotting, or rotting
and you feel hopeless, worthless, foolish, guilty,
horrid, evil, mixed up or unhealthy -
honesty
will always save you in the end

it is not a lie
I love you
far from you,
yet true
I don't long either
I just am
here
loving you
so totally
it is overwhelming
to want nothing from you
and just love you
you are caged in
by gut feelings
that have been long ignored
and yet to be released
floating around in your ribcage
but you are a butterfly
and you don't know yet
that you can flutter
out & about
through the bars
to the trees

just because I’m being cute doesn’t mean
you’ll forgive me.

just because I want to talk about what happened doesn’t mean
you want to share your feelings

just because I’m listening to Pachelbel doesn’t mean
I’ll get out of bed.

just because I’m staring at my ukulele doesn’t mean
I’ll write a song.

just because I tell everyone else not to fret the small stuff doesn’t mean
that I won’t.

just because you call me doesn’t mean
I’ll answer.

just because I’m with my friends doesn’t mean
I’m not lonely.

just because I said I ate today doesn’t mean
I actually did.

just because I want to see you now doesn’t mean
I’ll want to see you tomorrow.

just because I’m really honest doesn’t mean
I’m not a good liar.

just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean
I’m not crying on the inside.

not your body
not your skin
not the tips of your peachy fingers
not your passionate kiss
not your heart beat
not your breath hovering over my neck,
sending goosebumps and shivers down my spine
not your eyes sighting upon my beauty
or my loveliness or my seduction or my carefreeness
I want to feel you
move
inside
not inside of me
(though, that could be nice too)
inside of you
your own heart
your own echoing cage of ribs
that lock up even scarier skeletons
than the skeleton holding it all together
I want to feel you
without being with you
without holding you
without seeing you
without constantly thinking of you
without wanting you
I want to feel you
when I am miles away,
reading a book with a cup of tea in pyjamas
when you are in class and hear something brilliant
someone just said,
something that makes you stop and think of me
without resentment
without longing
without need
without hiding
something so simple, so clear and so pertinent
something that moves and removes the clutter
in you
I want to feel you love
yourself,
the world,
the trees, the scrapes on your heart’s knees
and me
with no want and no need

it’s hard to see people that have upset you
that have unknowingly made you cry;
to be in the same room as them and laugh with everyone,
pretending like everything is okay
when the uproar of feeling sick to your stomach
is telling you
everything is not okay
because standing next to this person hurts more than
any regular anxiety attack.
standing next to this person makes you want to run away
and stay perfectly still in the same moment.
you lie to protect your pride
you lie well, you hide well, you hurt well.
it’s the wanting them to know that comes and goes
it’s the wondering if they know that never goes.
you’re on your way out the door
feeling the smack of fresh air hit your heavy lungs
and you’re alone with the shame
of never being honest.

why is it so hard to see you?
i crumble and i croak
hopeful words dance at the back of my throat
now i’m hopeless
now i’m in a mess
of you or her or him or me
it’s like moving to a new country
and getting the hang of their weird plastic currency
and why the **** is talking to you so hard?
i tumble and i frizzle
a glass smashed into shards
aggravation takes me over because
anxiety takes me over because
suppression takes me over because
i want ******* control over ******* everything
i want to ******* know what i’m ******* doing
what i’m ******* thinking
i tremble and i palpitate
the thirst never sedates
like a lion ******* blood or a needle weaving thread
so much to go around
too much to go around
i’m not sure how to go about
underwater is where i wish i was
underwater, everything is muted
everything is calmer and resentments are diluted
i long to feel less polluted
i long to feel less consumed by
that and this and all the ******* frolicking ****
it pulls and tears and rips in shears
still standing there
i am still standing there
why the **** am i still standing there
here
like a fish suffocating in air
like a statue stands with a smile it can’t wipe off
i sweat under smiles
i want to wipe it off
i want to turn it off
why won’t i just ******* take it off?
why is it so hard to know who you are?
seeing a glimpse of a break down is making me stick around for you
do you still want me to stick around for you?
i crush and i tamper
with anything i can get my hands all over
it really doesn’t matter
what or who or how hard i hit
cause nothing is good enough for this ******* *****