One of those boys,
From a country where everything was green,
And I learned how to hold my liquor told me:

You need a tracking device attached to you.
No. I need a new pair of jeans.
I need a rock to climb and a whiskey on the rocks.

I heard you don't talk about leaving as much,
Now that you hold her while you're sleeping every night.
I'm jealous. How sweet, how ******* romantic.

Watch me roll my eyes.

The only thing to ever make you stick around.
Talking myself into not wanting the one thing.
That would make me stick around.

That phone call they make every night.
Stupid baby words and all those ******* tears.
But I love those little messages you send me.

And all those Baby I Miss You's.

What are you? Wooden home that breathes. I understand what you say, when you tell me Samantha, this phase. But can you see this Truth? When you lay your head down to rest, to escape the agony of being but you're staring at me. Your steady, fixed eyes; yes, I can feel you. Please, you make me nervous when you look at me with those exploding stars, even hidden under that baseball cap. The manic mind and those eyes wide open. Your lips sounding out I Love You from the other side of the dark and I see all the way down. You. Nurturing little wild boy. Loving me better than I love myself.  My mirror, you love me better than I love myself. You angel from above, whose re-met me in each new life. You save me. Your peace and your honey, I know why he loves you. I could never lie to you. Not even through the radio signals that hide your face. But I've seen it age, and I have seen the brillance. No going back, time slips in the aftermath of drug crossed wires. I've seen a place that exists.

I still ******* love you.
It's so easy to forget.
When you're not around.
And I'm not a pet.

But I'm reminded I still love you.

Mostly because I still wince,
And heartbeat drops.
Thinking about all those ******* girls.
And all those ******* beds.

Yeah, I'm waking up alone.
I guess you were just being nice.


This feels unfair.
And I don't even want you to save me.

See them close the doors and walk to bed,
and you are no moon.

All the second chances, seized and rescued before that little fracture.
That break that will never be mended.

And all these boys.
Careful hearts in careful hands.

Falling, but never broken on the floor.
But I feel the cold hard earth.

Ten million pieces and all the ways
you let me die on the ground.

I'm walking to the end of the earth.
I will find my gentle hands.

I still ******* love you.
It's so easy to forget.
When you're not around.
And I'm not a pet.

But I'm reminded I still love you.

Mostly because I still wince,
And heartbeat drops.
Thinking about all those ******* girls.
And all those ******* beds.

Like that time we puzzled piece'd ourselves together on that couch that was so small (your head on my stomach, you stayed up all night). Or when I woke up and it was the morning and the first thing I felt was your hand clearing my face of fallen hair that overwhelms me in my sleep (afraid I would suffocate?). They tend to kiss me on my forehead while they think I'm sleeping. You weren't listening to a single word I said (I hope you weren't). I was drunk. And I didn't know what was going to come into being next, falling from my lips, coming together like sparks from that big bang. It didn't matter (matter). I smoked cigarettes in your car while you looked at me like I was insane or beautiful(?) Or beautifully insane. And you. I remember you. Opening my eyes, yours hanging six inches away, looking over a sleeping animal (it was really very peaceful), and I thought that was exactly what being in love was.

I remember their eyes.

Something like freedom. Something like that's pretty strong for a tea cup ain't it? That guy, wait what was that guys name with the car seat? Did you roll off of that bus when you were sleeping that night? Where did Alice in Wonderland take you? And who will you see before and after you open those eyes? Age or what you did with those years, all those years you were awake verses all those years you were dead. I see your faces in all these videos and we know exactly where you are right here in our moving bodies made up of all the things that is us because of you. Cut your hair and change that face before you step off that next hard grey bird. I HEAR YOU SINGING. I always hear you singing. Something like freedom.

No one sleeps tonight.
Women on couches, prolonging the dead night.
Cigarettes and black swallowed skies.
Little burning spots visible from every dead desert.

I wear that tie around my wrist because I know it keeps me safe.
But I'm not sure if it works the same way in HELL.

You will come alive with the timely birth of the earth.

I woke up and you were here today.

Before I even opened my eyes.

3,000 miles away and you're still haunting my dreams.
I remember this feeling perfectly because you used to be there every time I closed my eyes and every morning when they opened, and it's that feeling of withering away. And I don't know why you appeared this morning but it was the same as it was when it was killing me. That feeling of (I lost you) and (you're gone) but now I 've learned to comfort myself with that mantra of; !! you do not love me, he does not love you !! Counter-intuitively it makes me feel better rather than worse. It makes it not matter so much and becomes the perfect anestesia for the complete indifference you serve me. But I still love you.

I think I'll always love you. My first disaster.