I think about my mind as a paintbrush
The strokes uneven
The vision not quite what I had in store
But I keep painting more
I think to myself compulsively
That this this will be lovely
This will be a masterpiece
Others will view what I have created
And will think great thoughts
They feel what I feel
Then I realize that I like the mess that I made
I made something real

There is a confrontation in the mirror
There Is two of me,
But we are not the same
One is blue and one is my pale flesh reflection
I know who the blue is,
She has been there my whole life
She feeds upon my joy and feeds upon my strife
I once named her Laura,
Because I knew that person was not myself
I know who I am,
I have gotten that part figured out
I am strong, I am happy, I am going to go places in this life
But laura isn’t going to go anywhere,
And maybe that’s why she is blue
Because someday she is going to die
The medicine will **** her,
My therapy will **** her
I’m sorry Laura, you will no longer be a part of me
Does that make me a murderer?
Is that justified to **** that piece?
I close my eyes, the phoenix insides rises
Out of the ashes that was once the barron land of my mind
Laura is no longer there,
I have defeated a beast that I treated as a friend for far too long
You see Laura was just my depression
Laura was just my panic disorder
Laura was an attachment
Laura was never me
And now I can finally be happy

I like the art of questions
I like to know more
Look into their soul
Through their eyes and lips
And finally their answer
Because the words are not always the tell all I have found out
It’s not that they’re telling me a lie
It’s just more they need to share about
I live to see that spark of passion
To see the warmth in their presence
Have you ever felt that?
Have you ever noticed?
Have you ever bothered?
So few actually want to know if one prefers tea or coffee
If they have a favourite book that’s now raggedy
I am a curious soul
It will **** the cat in me
Good thing I have nine lives
**** them all off with all my questions
My mothering to actually know who you are
You may never see it from my side
Because when I ask questions
My eyes start to get wide
I become a sponge
And remember that your first memory
Was the soccer game that you won
I never want to forget,
I want to know more
I adore these questions
They’re like tiny lessons
Of who the person is on the inside
So there is one thing I can ask of you,
Would you like to tell me about you?

sometimes I feel like I am drowning
though I am on land
I get so stuck in my head,
I forget everything
until someone reminds me again
that there is a fire inside of me
and I am the only one who can keep it burning
I will take this world head on
I will be a force that you will not forget
I will not live with regrets
because life is too short for these thoughts
and yet I am underwater
and I can't seem to swim
to lose the will to live
is something of myself I will have to forgive
my mind is my own betrayer
the most cunning liar
I keep going back and forth between mentalities
and it's exhausting
I try to find the middle ground
swim up for air
but when I am under,
I'm so scared that nothing will be up there
I know that so many others care
but I feel alone everywhere
I am so selfish
my life isn't that bad I am told
but this sadness gets old
same little pills, white and yellow
to keep my mind under control
my little mind saviors
from my mind betrayer
and yet my heart beats
and I am here
I am alive in the least
this is something I can beat
there is no demean I cannot defeat
I  am a warrior
I am my own savior
I will find recovery
I will be happy
I must promise this to myself
instead of everyone else
they do not feel what I feel
I can't keep promising to others
that I will stay on my feet
my own potential I will meet
and I will read this poem later
and know that I had made it

But she was a flower meant to be picked by a few,
But I was never the one who picked you.
For you merely blossomed into my days,
You blossomed and showed your colour in many ways.
There was something that this flower wanted me to see
And in that way, I think the flower picked me.

In each season you withstand
You compliment your friends down to an ocean's sand

One day I found myself in a flower bed.
There were many flowers,
a lot of blue and red
But I came a peculiar spot
There was one flower that had me caught

This was not a flower you would normally see
It had all sorts of colours
It reminded me of the sea
something that we couldn't touch

the waves always crashing in tides
this flower was neither yours, nor mine
so I left it behind
to blossom or to die
it wasn't for me to decide

don't tell me I'm beautiful
tell me you think I'm funny
tell me you like my mind
and not my body
I am more than just how I look
I know it's selfish to say it's hard
but I want to know that someone sees
more than what they outwardly perceive
because there is way more to me
I have a personality
I am sick of the, "I miss you, beautiful" lies
you're just seeing with your eyes
I just want to know I'm more than a piece of meat
tell me you think I'm neat
can't you tell me you like how I greet new people I meet?
or how I use my thumbs to turn a page when I read
there's just more to me
this is a selfish plea

when I say how I want to be loved I mean
to know how I like my coffee
because that's my favorite part of the day
understand that I am unpredictable and unstable
but know the words I like to say
know the story behind my scars
see my library and know what my favorite books are
know when I'm about to shut down
if I get up too fast I will fall to the ground
when I say that I am crazy, tell me to stop
because you love me and know that I'm not
remember that I love No Room for Squares
when I say I need my happy place,
you would know where
when we kiss
you know I would like your hands like this
your hand tight on my waist
the other hand cupping my face
to make me smile just trace the freckles on my shoulder
know that I want a bakery when I am older
that when I sleep I always get colder
so you would move closer
I would promise to love all your little things
know your favorite song to sing
this is how I want to be loved

never apologize for who you are

why do people tell you to be yourself,
when you'll never compare to someone else's someone else?

when I hear your name there is a certain ache
makes me think of how long I have to wait
to see your face
I don't really care how much time it'll take
because there will never be enough time
when there's only so much of your hand in mine
everything around me is a sign
that points your way
I want to be in your arms every day
get drunk on your lips like wine
when I hear your voice everything is fine
I'm becoming exasperated by my own mind
you consume my thoughts all the time
I can't get away from it, it seems
especially with you in my dreams
happily pulling at my string
once together, I lose my seams
sticking them back together with your words
becoming better and anew afterwards
I hope you know what you've done to me
this isn't something sad, it's happy
because in the beginning I sat in misery
a rag doll that had lost meaning
but your presence in my life has been something
no longer a broken rag doll
something that had made me feel so small
turns out I just needed someone to listen afterall
no longer broken after the words you have spoken
the ache of your name is something I can take
the fingertips touching me where I used to break
intoxicated by every word you say
there's never enough time, but I'll take every day

I lay here in my empty bed
Thinking about the words you said
I want you here so badly
I want you so madly
1199 doesn't feel so far away
When I get to hear your voice every day
But I want to be in your presence
And experience your effervescence
I want to hear your breaths
And feel your soul's depth
Why is this bed empty?
Why aren't you right next to me?
I want my days to be filled with you
And tell you things about me you never knew
I want to be close and see your brown eyes
These are the thoughts that get me by
I know I'll be seeing you soon
But soon isn't enough when I feel this way
It doesn't matter how many times I say
That the time will go fast
Not when this feeling lasts
Not when this bed is empty
And you're so far away from me

board an airplane to change my life
I'm so excited I could cry
I finally, in person, get to see your brown eyes
I want those days to last forever
Don't let the time pass us by
I want to walk on the beach with you
Do all the things I've wanted to
May I hold your hand?
Smile and laugh with you over and over again?
May I play with your hair?
Show you exactly how much I care?
As the airplane descends
I am filled with butterflies again
I've dreamt about this day many times
A different scenario happening in my mind
Off the plane, find the exit sign
Look through the crowd till your eyes find mine
I don't know what happens next
But all I know is that I am positively vexed
By the person you are
I want to know your every inch, every scar
I want to sing songs in your car
Out of the exit sign I'll find you
And find out what I'm feeling is really true

I don't plan for your actual existence
but if that happens and you find this
I want you to know that I do love you
even though all I my life when talking about children I said I never wanted to
but if I ever change my mind
I'm going to leave this for you to find
because I want you to know all I want is for you to be happy
I hope you can get that from me
I hope that you never stop following your dreams
no matter how impossible they seem
because if you set your mind to it
you can achieve anything
my future offspring
I would love you with everything
I wouldn't want anything to ever hurt you
even know I know that will never be true
but the most I can do is keep you healthy and safe
because this world is a twisted place
which is why I never planned to bring you into this basket case
I hope that society accepts you for who you are
no matter your ***, orientation, gender, or your car
because you are worth so much more than this list
you are the only you that exists
you are more than what society tells you
you are the only one in charge of your truth
don't let society tell you are you are merely handsome or pretty
because these traits fade and are petty
it just matters how good your soul is
because everything about you flows from this
to my future darling, the thing that changed my everything
never forget that you don't have the best at something
just be the best person around and no one will turn that down
you don't exist and might never
but the least I can do is promise these things to you forever

she cried over an unrequited love.

sitting in a car
two cokes in the cup holder
too busy wondering how I got here
because you're so much cooler and older
we've  stopped the car but the music playing
I'm finding it hard focusing on what you're saying
I'm too busy looking at your lips
we both reach for our drinks,
brushing fingertips
you look at me in a way you haven't before
I don't feel like such a little girl anymore
I hear the sound of your seat belt unbuckle
I can feel our bodies getting at a closer angle
and we kissed in a car heatedly
only stopping for breaths repeatedly
and once we broke we were both breathing heavily
I looked into your brown eyes
they remind me of dark nights
but I didn't feel alone
I kissed you and felt at home.

Promises have always been something I'm good at keeping
Because I like their sanctity of meaning
But there's one promise I couldn't hold true
I said I would always be here for you
I didn't realize it would turn out this way
I didn't know that all this **** would go down and the hurt would stay
I lasted a long time I swear.
I waited and waited endured and cared
But I couldn't do it anymore
Deleted your number, changed the lock on the door.
You were the one promise I couldn't keep
Something that feels like defeat
But when I really look at it I think it's a win
Because now without you I can begin again.

my indifference will be the end of me
either caring too much, or  not enough
there is rarely an inbetween
I lead a life of who cares and doesn't matter
when asked my opinion it's I have one or the latter
because in the grand scheme
most of these things are just things
we put so much importance on things twenty
years from now will just be a memory
so put all the blame on me, I will accept
that I am too indifferent for this life, except
when I find something that matters to me
things that don't have much stress in society
in a world of superficials and materials
it's very hard to find what is real
real and tangible, versus human and socially constructed
beauty, marriage, morals all things that need to be destructed
as things things that are inherent and what one does
so please blame me for my indifference
because I've had enough

I was called shameless the other day
they certinaly meant it positively
but I wasn't quote sure what it means
especially in regard to me
I've done some thing my life
I've definitely crossed some lines
both things that I'm not proud of
but at the same time they re a part of me
they are my history
so  I looked up shameless in the dictionary
braze, barefaced, unblushing,unashamed
I suppose that is me because shame is a game that I do not play
I'll say whatever I want to say
I'll never say anything I don't feel
Because all I want in life is to be real
to be the best me that I can be
because it's a **** shame to be anything else
so I'll be brazen and they may not like it
but that's their problem and not mine
I'm barefaced, they'll say I'm out of my mind
I am unblushing, my cheeks show no red
I am unashamed of the things I've said
I am shameless and I am myself

I like to drink poison for fun
I just need another night, just one
so I can remember the feel of your fingertips
without alcohol on my lips

I like to make my lungs burn
each inhale is another lesson learned
that I'm trying to forget
no matter of drugs or drinks
will bring you back to me

smoke rings in the dark
different liquors, shot after shot
I hope my insides rot

I wish you were by my side
finding comfort in sleep when you sigh
but instead my sheets are cold
and this burning hurt is getting old

sometimes, I almost call you
I don't have the nerve,
I know what you would do
you would ignore me just like you used to

my drunken self feels so light
my memory is stuck on that last night
you told me that you found someone new
that I deserved someone better than you
and that surely I'd find someone again soon

it's been six months now
no one here to comfort me
because it's something I won't allow
never tell a girl who loves you to find better
they'll just end up intoxicated and bitter

I was so young,
I thought I knew it all.
But it wasn't long,
Before I found out I was wrong.

I did what I wanted without a doubt,
They say actions are louder than words.
And my actions were definitely loud.
I was determined to stand out in the crowd.

When I was younger I thought I ruled the land.
I wouldn't give a dime to be in those days again.
The town was small, but I lived large.
Life was my stage, and I was in charge.

I look at those days now and couldn't believe myself.
I took the yearbooks off the shelf.
Reminiscing my past friends and loves.
All the signatures in the pages.
I put them back when I had enough.

Sometimes I like to live in my past.
The great memories and the trouble I caused.
But you can't stay there,
You can't put life on pause.
Sometimes I like to live in my past.
Just sitting and remembering living young and dying fast.

How do you put this ache into words?
Being stuck in different worlds,
I wish I could fly to you like the birds.
Each day my ache grows, my lament like the little black crows.

Little black crow with the migration.
I will come to you by plane, bus, or train station.
And I'll fly like you little bird.
Just like I said I would, gave you my word.

And I missed everything about you,
But I can see that you love this place.
It's evident to me in your little crow face.
So ruffle your feathers and continue to fly.
I bid my favourite little crow goodbye.

She was so pretty,
My little Rose.
She had pink cheeks.
And on stage her eyes shone.

Oh. But my little Rose needed more,
More than the sun.
For little Rose wasn't just anyone.

Rose belonged on the stage.
Where she became the characters she played.
My pretty little Rose.
On stage, her eyes shone.

Rose belonged in those lights.
She would be the sight of all sights.
Little Rose who would not ever wilt.
She was a star with voice like silk.

Other girls wanted to be her.
But it was Rose who "dreamed harder."
Pretty little Rose,
on stage her eyes shone.

How strange my young life, its proclivities.
How quick and profound are its extremities.
How cruel the loss and joyous the gains.
And yet surrounded and ever by change.
As I reflect on my last year,
I reflect on my life now. Like watching waves from a pier.
Or should I be filled with fear?
Who I was, when I was then. ­­­­­­
And then that I became back and forth again.
What my chances are for times to be like they were are very dim.
But how can one wish to return?
Because if that were the case,
Then I’d never learn.
And then the rewards I would never earn.
But is that what life is about?
At such a young age,
My mind is filled with doubt.
And these new ideas flourish and sprout.
And I start to pride in my growing.
Because I have spent all these years knowing,
At least my first name.
But as I grow older my name changes meanings.
But not based upon me,
Based on what people are seeing.
What does it mean when they say seeing is believing?
So what does my name mean this year?
I slowly become someone else’s image I must adhere.
But the days of ending time are coming near.
And I feel like I have nothing to fear.
I have seen many versions of myself.
And the mirror screams, “Look at yourself!”
And as I reflect on my last year,
And the girl looking back at me in the mirror,
The changes have never been so clear.

Pale
people shudder without a fail
Since when did tan
become wanted by every man?
when everyone is knowing
the risks, girls keep going
the risks, aren’t risky
because it’ll never be me
until I get melanoma at 40
I have been shamed all my life
because my skin is too “white”
pasty ain’t tasty
they all keep telling me
making me insecure every summer
I should be ashamed of my legs
since they aren’t the right shade
always being told I’m not as pretty
because I’m not as tan or skinny
girls always telling me
they don’t know how they could be me
fueling hundreds of dollars in this sick industry
I should sit under a bed of bulbs
take pictures, post it online so everyone knows
that I’m going to be tan as sand
no longer pale
because to be pale is to fail.

love and insecurity
tend to evolve into the same thing
you must trust that the other will stay
and you must trust yourself that the feeling won’t go away
because when you’re in love
you’re sitting on cloud nine
you can leave all your troubles behind
with one look from them
and it doesn’t matter if it’s a her or him
or anything inbetween
because love is a feeling
that everyone is permitted
there are no such things are love and mitigated circumstance
because love is feeling you get
from an interpretation that can arise
from the first time your eyes met
that lock of your eyes and the feeling of intimacy
love at first sight, immediacy
you have the yearning of learning everything about them
because you can’t deny the chemistry
your brain telling you that there is someone to yearn
because the greatest thing to learn is to love and be loved in return
I love you, I love you, I love you.