ive rolled blunt after blunt, just thinking of her.
ive been exhaling clouds of worry into morning fog and into clear night skies,
20 after 20 and dime after dime,
and how ironic that i got her questioning me why.. she reminds me all the time about how bad im out of line.
hearing certain things slip from her mouth kills me inside ,"when im gone" "you should know" and the knowledge of fate,
this hunch that i must learn the lessons of life now before its too late,
to marry, and have a baby for she whose womb will be taken away,
  sweet mother whos nature runs wild and deep,  but father time can be unkind and of little help to me..
a feeling so true that it would surely be the death of me.
time just stresses me.
and the rage in my soul is much too heavy, a heavy heart and a heavier head filled with ****, with pills, with doubt and with regrets,
things i wish i had done, and **** that was never supposed to be said,
but swear to God, if i could Rhonda, i would make it be me instead.

He love me in all those times I cant find strength to love myself,
letting go of his idea of my empty screams, if ever I am to need him; his guidance, his help
to me he is like the sun with his radiating smile
with his UV eyes,
and despite our fights his hot skin would still warm me during the coldest of nights.
although my pride makes words like these ones remain dorment in my chest,
He.. makes them dance with fearlessness out of my mouth still, even admist this scary hindering doubt
about our life and our lifes route..
but you see his love for me always overcomes my shouts. the pettyness of one who feels weak in her needing
telling him go, and crying as he's leaving
my tugging, and clinging I think is what scares me the most
because I know love is not loud and that love does not boast
but oh do I love him, right down to his very soul
He runs himself through me as wind runs its way through my window screen
and fills me up
like white grape juice in my favorite blue cup.
and I always know *** with him theres never any resisting how he speaks, how he looks at me
I
feel like im the only girl existing
and I can never help to think, that
I must have been a saint in a past life, for this superman,
with his angel eyes
to ever consider taking this **** up
as his wife.

when you are gone,
i take long naps to pass the time and dream of your return,
smoke aimlessly until i time travel, feel this unwhole feeling, that i want to forget and try hopelessly to fill when you aint here, the struggle becomes real, a cruel, cruel world in which i struggle to fit in, a burden that arises again and again.. making my own decisions without your consent...
         i often find myself into some ****.
*** reality always finds its way in, just like a creeping shadow
       ...   when you are gone
i learn of hypocracy, i know scrupulosity
intrusive thoughts are always blinding, a confusion that is binding.
sometimes i cant tell the good from the bad so thats when i sit alone and
         get high, get ******
yes pride keeps this inside but in my mind im never too proud to beg you "come back home to me babe, come home."
come home! come homeeee :(

....Time slows and I am still.
these feelings make me give my heartbeat recognition as I rest my head
upon a crimson pillow,
and I can hear it muttering as do the sound of leaves
slowly but surely building as I breathe
And as my head sinks deeper into this bed I can feel you
I feel you, and I hear you.. a continuous echoing voice within me
without your voice I am lost. the waves it makes are short and sweet, quiet but raging...
an energy that reaches me from far distances
and a feeling that burns and brings me alive.
and although I cant quite put my finger on it yet and touch,
  I always listen and I am in turn,
always reassured.

Squeaky mattresses and foggy mirrors,
a bedroom ***** with memories and cloudy air,
broken cigars,
a familiar smell
an unfamiliar face that presents an unfamiliar feeling
has been the result of time passing.
And even though a computer is plastered to your arm
when I watch you hide for hours within old tunes that trigger dormant visions of the past,
i can see, i can feel,
that when you are silent or even talking there's pain.
So I fall into your feelings as we smoke the time away.
But in the midst of that i realized that we were high and not asking for much
see, inside I know that I could never be enough
but we are ultimately alike in more ways than one
ways beyond sounds and poetry
ways beyond the sky and the sea, in a way that is beyond an explanation.
and even though after these epiphanies it feels great to **** you...
it still feels greater to fiercely love you
and behind blind eyes to ignorantly think of how to make it all better...
my time and my love were the most legit answers.

I dropped you at a rugged street
to a wife that waited patiently
a woman I knew for sure was not me,
But I let it go and I let it be.

I watched you two walk down the road,
Arm in arm and telling jokes
As I descend to an all-time-low
I let you be, I let you go

I saw you hug and laugh and smile
I sat there and watched you for a while
I drove real fast until I got home
*** I just need
to be alone

I realize that its over but
I remember you said, to toughen up
I hope marriage loses value if it has no love...
because I wasn't first, so im not the one.

isn't it cray, how life must take
when you're late you're on time and when you're early you're late
isn't it so hard to differentiate?
even if losing the world will keep moving
how would it be if fate was a mistake
be wise when you choose, be swift in your shoes
but light on your feet always
we will go go go until we reach a dream
when our spirits are fickle and thoughts are extreme
we will search high and low until we find what it means
sincerely Eachothers, and forever free