Yesterday, my nightmare was staring me in the face.
And I had no place to flee.
It had me cornered.
It had me shook and shocked.
My legs shook, knees knocked.
I'd back up, it'd move forward.
My thoughts were all out of order.
I didn't know how to react to my deepest fear.
Nor did I have any time to prepare.
But that's usually how it plays out isn't it.
And the more confused and frightened I appeared
It seemed to play off my ignorance.
It taunted me and still haunts me.
Because I know it'll come back someday.
Maybe soon.
Maybe not.
And that's the worst part.
Like a thief in the night it snatches me up.
Covers my mouth.
Pain in my gut.
And just like that I'm stuck.
I have no control over this force, this pressure, this beast.
Its too painful to look it in the face
And see the reflection of me.

I bet you think it's so easy. The way you effortlessly get up and leave me.
And as soon as you start to feel a quint sense of distance, you hurry back.
But it's never been because you need me.
Just got to get back to where it's easy.
The place where you've always got a space when you need it.
It's relieving.
Am I fool to believe that everything happens for a reason?
To put my faith before my ego?
To love unconditionally past all trickery and treason?
Am I fool not to question why I remain committed to these acts of benevolence?
Numbly tolerant to the childish belligerence.
Numb to the stabs from daggers that are sent to me through negligence.
Am I fool to believe actions speak louder than words?

I remain silent as these actions scream to me louder than any words I think I've ever heard.

You see,
I ran out of flower petals about a week ago.
I received the saddest letter of my life that same day.

The end absent of x's or o's.

I can't stand the sight of Cheerios,
because those were his favorite.
And I can't bring myself to throw his old box away.
I guess I'll just save it.

Let it sit on top of the fridge.

My mind won't let him go.
And everything I wear to bed is his.

The possibility of him coming back,
Prevents me from moving forward.
And I swear if I could,
I would rewind time.

And make love to him a little slower.

I wish his mind came equipped with subtitles.
Or instructions on exactly how to love him.

I cared for him, I shared with him, and I adored him.

Exactly in that order.

I still wish that I was it for him.
My heart fit for his.
I wish that he had never stopped loving me.
But I heard that love has no past tense,
So I suppose he never did.

When I was little I was programmed to believe I would know all that I need by "our first kiss"
That even a frog could become a prince.
And Snow White could come back to life, by the touch of the right mans lips.
And though Im not quite looking for a fairy tale prince.
I still want to be treated like a princess.
I know it may sound petty or cliché,
But at the end of the day. .
It can be the determining factor of how I feel.
I want to wrap my arms around you and kick up my heel.
Stand up on my tippy toes.
Nose to nose.
And show you exactly how I feel.
When words aren't enough.
Nothing can fill me up, like the touch of his lips.
Sending pure bliss throughout my body.
He kisses me like its his hobby.
Whenever he walks out the door.
And again when he walks back in.
Sends chills up. .and back down my spine.
Like its the first time, every time.
He plants his kiss.

Ill open my eyes and look into his.
And without even thinking about it, I'll know all that I need to know.
From the very first kiss.

I don't want anything ordinary.
I want an indisputable, unquestionable, irrefutable, and incontestable love.

I want to be above any ordinary relationship
without assumptions and arguments about who is she and what is this?

I don't want to have to doubt what we have and what we've made exist.
I  just wanna be happy that we've gotten this far.

I don't want to search and lurk for trouble.
I wanna look into your eyes and know that whatever our result is, it's **** sure worth it.
I don't want to be uncertain.

I want to know what trust is.

I want to know that this is where you choose to be under any circumstance and in any situation.
I want to be the number one choice.

But forget number one because theres no type of list.
Me. . . us, this is it.

I want you to forget about everyone of the past.
I want you to only feel this.
I want you to let go of the "was" and "had" and "loved" and let every word you speak be present tense.

I want this to be it.
I want you to live in the moment.
Every song I hear I can't think of anyone else to compare or relate to my emotions.

Not even if I tried,
because once you came into my life you activated my tunnel vision.
You stole my heart without permission.
And I'm not complaining.

As long as you're here to save it,
from any lack of contentment or lack of commitment cause its too weak to take it.
I want you to step into my shoes and look through my eyes.

I want to love you with a passionate aggression.
To feel mutual dependence and feel no need to seek another companion.  
For you are the only option.

For you are my main topic.
These poems would have no substance.
The base of each of my discussions.
I want a love that's never reluctant.

Beneficial without being unnecessarily public.
You next to me is a compliment.
I want you and I want this.

Sometimes I can't stand
to be around this man.
And I know that might confuse my audience. Because I've expressed plenty of times, just how much I care for him.

However,
the depth of my infatuation happens to frighten me.

I guess because I'm fully aware of how quickly he could leave me.
And just how deeply it would strike me.

Still,
I try not to let these thoughts consume me.
But it's easier said then done when the past haunts me with its specific pattern.

Makes me wonder what makes this round different,
And when exactly did I begin to matter.
Then I hesitate when he asks what's the matter.

Because I'm afraid to speak these fears into existence.
I would hate for him to look at me different.
For him to label me as needy,  god forbid he label me insecure.

So I keep my mouth shut. And keep my heart secure.

It's bizarre cause I've never trusted someone as much as him.
But I don't trust him at all.

Still I give him chances to convince me.
So maybe I'm just in denial.

And I pray to god that if worst comes to worst.
My heart will break my fall.

Perhaps crumble to pieces.

Because if he don't want it.

I **** sure don't need it.

Same goal. Different intentions
Same start. Different positions.
Same mind. Different dimensions.
Same faith.  Different religions.
Different decisions yet the same results.  
Just like me but not at all.
Same beat just different paces.
Same path just different places.
Same heart just different phases.
Same judge just difference cases.
Difference faces, with similar eyes.
Same hearts matching in size.
Similar books only difference in chapters.
Yet it is mind over matter.
So I ask myself, what really matters?
Repetitiously stuck in mazes with the same, old faded pattern.
Same climb with different ladders.
Same language. Different grammar.
Got focus but no communication.
Same eviction, mine without notification.
Just like me yet not at all.
Same trip. With different falls.
Same road. With different stalls.
He's just like me yet not at all.