It feels like I’m in this constant cycle of grief and despair
At any given moment it can just overwhelm me..
It causes me to sink in what used to be sinkless waters of my mind
it’s a feeling I can’t seem to untether myself from no matter how hard I try
It’s like a stubborn in grown toenail that you continuously pick at and irritate and soon enough infection starts to grow
or like black mold that starts with just one speck in a forgotten crevice of a room and soon turns into a million specks all around your surroundings
I wish I could free myself from this cycle from this pain this internal warfare I’ve found myself in
If only simple words like “it’ll be okay” actually made a impact
there has to be a way through this ocean of pain
I have to find a way

I remember the first time you met my gaze
I was so curious as to what went on inside your
Head
What thoughts you’d have, what you’d do with your days
my curiosity turned into infatuation
I got lost in your maze
the deeper I wandered the closer you got
We met in the middle somehow
Where you set my heart ablaze
Loving you was everything but simple
It felt like every single season all at once and lasted decades
but all good things come to an end
for we are just thunder and rain
And in the end it’s just puddles of us that remain

I don’t know how to let you go
It seems like I’ve gone through every stage of grief
Every stage of withdraw
Loving you was more addicting than any drug
Loving you was more painful than any death
I could feel it flow it’s course throughout me
Never ending
Just multiplying
Within me

When things got tough
I could feel some secrete out of me like sap
Like as if I was a tree
Your tree
You could chop me up and each layer of me will have his own personal indentation
His mark
for I’m not me anymore I’m just whatever he sees of me
Chooses of me

Because his love is more suffocating than drowning
More excruciating than burning
More painful than dying
I just know that
if there was a hell
That he’d be the ruler
And I’d call it home

I opened my whole heart to you
like how surgeons open up chests to do surgery
You were the scalpel that sliced my skin wide opened
And there I was on display for your judgement.

That’s what it felt to love someone like you
The rawest form of judgement, no modesty was allowed
not a care, you were just in for a thrill
They say surgeons live to cut
Maybe you and surgeons aren’t that different
Except you didn’t cut me instead
your eyes pierced me
your voice paralyzed me
Your silenced poisoned me
And while I was on my knees
your touch crushed me

Whenever I have a bad day
I think of going to you
It’s like muscle memory for my brain
You’re the automatic comfort I seek
My safe person
Whenever I have the best day
I think of going to you
I wanna bask in the goodness with you
i love the look on your face when you feel proudness of me
I love celebrating with you
When I’m in trouble
I think of going to you
You know exactly what to say to me
How to deal with me
How to care for me
even if you think you have not a clue
Or are the worst at it
You’re the best at it in my eyes
I can’t imagine a world where I’m not navigating this crazy life without you by my side
Apart or together
You’re always near
And always there for me when life crashes
when you look at me
Time stands still
And my heart stops
And starts again at the bat of your lashes
And I feel myself fall again

I feel like a prisoner in my body
Like I’m decaying from the inside out
I barely remember what a deep breath felt like
Because I find that lately
Im drowning with every breath
Im sinking with each movement
Im losing my memories
The bad ones even the good ones too
My Mind is full of static
the silent kind
the silent unforgettable kind
I’ve lost myself in the sea of pain
And I’m sinking to the bottom
But
The more I sink the more peace I feel
I feel the weight of my world on my chest
The more I give in the less weight I feel
When I give all
And There’s nothing left
Not me
Not my memory
i feel true bliss in that moment
to be freed of the torture that is existing with this weight
With this pain
i feel like a prisoner
In my body

I lost myself in the maze that is your affection
the more I explored the deeper the connection grew
You showed me such beautiful sights, such colorful sensations
I never wanted to leave
you were all I needed
your love could’ve kept me fed for centuries
Only when
I felt you metastasized all over my body
Did I notice the weight of pain
That came along loving you
Loving you was like getting caught in a spider web and I got caught at the first sight of you
Your love turned from heavenly to deadly in just seconds
when you gave me the look I’ll never forget
A look that spoke loudly than any word in any language could express
You metastasized all over me to the point there was nothing of me left
Just endless you
Only you