Down the hatch
Ignore the burn.

Warmth now,
Throat and belly and brain.

Let the fog come
Sneak some more.

Now I cant think

Flip it around,
Look in the eye

We both know
where this will go.

Pull you by your bottom lip
To my bedroom.

If I give myself away
Then I am not my own

Then I don't have to think.

Remember that time?
In the hospital

Dehydration and spasms
Hole in my arm, tubes and fluids.

And the Morphine.
That is warmth.

I'd like some more.
Too much.

Then I really can't think

Big *** label, right here.
Mom, don't believe it. Your psych degree is better (she has none).
Deny it. I dare you

But I did hide, for you.
Made it seem alright.
Did you a favor that's hurting me now.

Bubbles rolling up into my belly and into my arms and flow through my tongue and fingers and
Maybe I'll scream.
Down I go then, just wait a bit.

Better not say I want it. (the big S)
Meds would follow, I say gross.
**** fine. I'm just **** fine. Happiest chick you'll ever meet.

B
M
D

A nd it was first
D iagnosed as this, with bouts of
H ormonal
D epression.

I told you,
You despaired but
Delighted in the idea.
A new secret, a new world.
A new language to converse,
To defeat mediocrity. Now
We are a fairytale.
From fourth
To seventh.
Or now, twelfth.
Turn it around then deny.
Live in the best parts of my problem to escape.
Clone stamped houses.
AP classes.

Then I told you,
But I was already crying, a shaking,
Said,
your hearts a beating way to fast.
Breathe, Breathe, Keep going.
You held me and held me. you wiped my tears.
Put my pants back on.
It was flooding and Jalapeno chips.
I still love you
I'm not angry
in any way
If I kept track of time,
Id apologize for how long I kept this from you

But you, the next day.

All at once.
Chitter chatter
Jabber.
Pointless banter.
Back and forth
Words pour out from lips,
Hang in the air
and resonate a bit.
Then fade away
become forgotten.
But for some they stay.
Shaping, molding
Minds are holding
On.
To the two dimensional
Too much, Too soon.
Two words are seeds
and assumptions root.
Grows the confusion,
Constructed reality
Confused consciousness of
this time, moment, universe.
I cannot write this poem here.
The future
Is now
Is past.
So when?