i just want to love you.
i want to love you when you're sick
and need a blanket or hot soup.
i want to love you when you're sad
and falling apart on the bathroom floor.
i want to love you when you're mad
and want nothing more than
to scream at the top of your lungs.
i want to love you when you're happy
and smiling that beautiful smile.
i want to love you when you're sleepy
and you have that adorable sleepy voice.
i want to love you when you're excited
and you can't contain your adorable giggles.
i want to love you on your good days
and i want to love you even harder on your bad days.
i want to love you.
so let me,
please.

self-destruction doesn't always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open,
sometimes it's drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks.
sometimes its crossing the street without looking both ways.
sometimes it's showering with the water a little too hot.
sometimes it's avoiding eyes contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems, rather than addressing them.
sometimes it's walking out without sunscreen on in scorching heat
or not wearing enough when it's freezing out.
self-destruction isn't always physical mutilation,
mostly it's masked as little things.
so never assume what someone may be going through
just because they don't show visible signs of suffering.

i would have loved you, you know?
i would have loved all of you.
i would have loved the drool on your cheek
and the bad morning breath you.
i would have loved the "just one more minute"
you, even though we both knew
you actually meant five.
i would have loved the snow in your hair
and rosy cheeks in the winter you.
i would have loved the messy hair
and tired eyes when you've been up all night you.
i would have loved the sad
"i don't wanna be here anymore" you.
i would have loved the random
dance with me in the kitchen you
and i would have loved the energetic
lets go for a hike at three in the morning you.
i would have loved it all.
i would have loved the insecurities
and the doubts
and the fears.
i would have loved all of you.

loving you was like a car crash.
sparks & screeches filling the air,
spinning until the world became a blur.
shard of glass thrown against my lap.
all i felt were achy muscles.
bruised bones & torn skin.
the air was make of smoke
& in the end,
the only thing left were bits and pieces,
scattered across the ground,
of what used to be.

you're not here,
but you are, if that makes sense?
like the moon after the day wakes
or the pain that's trapped
inside the scar on my knee.
i wish you were a scar
or something other than glass shards
beneath my skin.
i'm tired of seeing your reflection
between the blood.
because you didn't love me,
i know you didn't.
because nights with me were just nights
that faded into morning
and back into night
and back into morning again.
because my hands
were only dry, calloused flesh.
because my eyes were just two brown circles.
because my heart
was no more than
just an *****.

i like the quiet hours
of the morning,
when the air is still,
the sun hasn't crawled
above the horizon,
the birds have yet to wake,
and the cars that roll by
are few and far between.

it's nice to wake
to the worlds slumber-
before the footsteps rumble the earth
and voices echo across the sky-
the simplicity of existence being forgotten
among the hustle and bustle of life.

i can't write you a poem,
but i can hold you
when you feel as light
as the clouds
and as heavy as the rain.

i can't write you a poem,
but i can talk about the flutters
in your laugh when i trip
over the shoes you told me to move,
the sea in your eyes when the light pours
through the window at noon on a sunday,
and your cold hands that feel
so good against my sweaty palms
for hours on end.

i can't write you a poem,
but i can trace circles
across your back
until you fall asleep.

i can't write you a poem,
but i can string every fiber of my heart
around your beautiful soul.

i can't write you a poem,
but here is this.