Months of stale, cigarette smoke
and spilt **** water pleasantly
offset the stench of cheap cologne
and ratty, abused furniture.
Fictitious stories occupy this tiny, dim
apartment, birthed on the lips of
rebellious juveniles whose tongues
pierce the ears of our elders.
In a forsaken corner, Jeremy lounges
awkwardly on a grubby-plaid sofa that
suitably complements his button-down shirt.
I join him.
Behind his right ear rests a lonely cigarette, while
another sits snug between his lips, set ablaze
by the 1968 Slim Model Zippo he inherited from
his beloved grandfather.
His transparent sense of self-worth emanates
from his grubby, grease-stained hands, scuffed boots,
blotchy-checkered flannels, and faded blue jeans
that are completely obliterated with holes.
I look into his pale blue eyes, the depth of which
often goes unrecognized. Jeremy is a soft-hearted,
pudgy youngster with the kind of chunky cheeks
that all grandparents love to torture.
But his marred, acne-ridden face betrays the transition
that has been forced upon him. Slowly, his trademark
grin appears across his face – subtle, mischievous, and
typically without reason. But this time it appears justified.
Jeremy takes a moment’s break from his cigarette to drop two
hits of acid. A new drug for him, he hopes to find relief from
his seething anxiety, evidenced now by the wide expansion of his
chest as he takes another, more lengthy and powerful pull from his cigarette.
The mundane chatter that fills the room continues, a seeming
necessity to offset any potential awkward silence. I feel as if
this noise is closing in around us. But just as suddenly as I
feel overwhelmed by this sensation, the noise stops.
I look around, noticing everyone’s eyes staring in my
direction. Jeremy is still next to me, now giggling
like a little school girl.
I begin to feel sick.
Jeremy swiftly leans forward, giving his
cigarette a premature but honorable
death, eliminating its glow as he smashes
the cherry into tiny bits against the ashtray.
As he sits back against the couch, I can see that
his eyes are now indifferent. Foreign. With a perplexed
and fascinated stare, he watches the pearly-white smoke
slowly slither upwards towards the ceiling.
There’s no question in my mind that his
soul has fled. Jeremy sinks further into the
couch, turning his vacant eyes in my direction.
I want to *****.
His high-pitched giggle has now subsided into a
low whimper. Gradually extending his left arm into
the air, he tilts it from side-to-side, examining it as if
an infant discovering his genitals for the first time.
Bike wheels appear in the corners of the room.
Entertained, his eyes rapidly zigzag from the
corners of the walls to his hands. He asks me
if I can see the wheels. I don’t respond.
Intervals of psychotic emotion begin to cycle. Jeremy’s eyes
fill with tears as he tries to understand the hallucinations
engulfing him. The expression on his face betrays the reality that
he has stepped onto the never-ending theme-park ride from hell.
Together we leave and walk to the bus station, Jeremy
walking slowly and whimsically. The bus arrives,
and I hand him a few crumpled, single-dollar
bills as I attempt to instruct him where to get off.
All I can envision is his mother’s first reaction to her son’s arrival.
Would she collapse at her son’s knees, crying like a mother whose boy
has come home from war? Would he forever be an awkward guest
at the dinner table? Would she disown him? Would he become a feral child?
I no longer know what day it is. I am surrounded by lockers
and students, trapped in a tunnel of shadowy walls. As I stand
alone, I find myself entranced by the blinding, January sunlight
that floods through the double doors a mile away.
My vision is unexpectedly blocked by a figure
standing in front of me. Clothed in little but jeans
and a bright, white t-shirt, Jeremy stares at me, his eyes
mirroring the emptiness I now feel.
“Do you have a lighter?” My hands pointlessly search my pockets for
what I already know is not there. “No, man. Sorry.” A look of confusion
spreads over his face, and I suddenly cannot help but notice the sick irony
of the scene in front of me - Jeremy flooded in light as if born again.
My thoughts linger here too long, and just as swiftly as Jeremy
appeared, he is a mile away sauntering out through those double
doors. Estranged, I continue to stand here, hoping with
futility that this isn’t the last time I have looked upon him.
Year: 1995