its christmas, baby
can you feel the weather?
you always loved the snow.

its a little cold today, baby
you can have my coat, my gloves-
baby! it doesn't fit-
it doesn't fit the stone, baby.

youre going to freeze-
baby, youre going to freeze
down there. its so cold.

Red lights wink
They’re calling- they want me to step-

Where’s the moon? The stars?
It’s so dark out. Where are you going?
Red lights, where are you going?

My pants are soaked. Its cold-
The yellow line under my hand.
Red lights, where did you go?

Where- it’s so bright.

Stop it. Why are my hands red?
I can’t breathe. My chest-
What are you doing? My shadow-
It’s on me. It’s here.
Let me go. Please, stop it.

The carpet reeks of mud and scraps of food
I can feel them crawling on me
Eight little legs, eight little eyes
Scampering, clawing, biting, digging
Through the cracks of my skin, my molecules, atoms
They’re in my veins, my brain
Am I anything? Am I gone? Am I nothing
But webs, tangled, rotten?
Cut me open. Stick a hose in my mouth.
Wash them away.
I can feel them crawling on me.

I am nothing.
Swallow my pills and thoughts
To an empty abyss at the end of my throat
Scream raw, ***** in a vacuum
Can anyone hear me?
Please?
I am nothing. dont let me be-

Is my skull eroded, decayed?
I want something more- to be something more.
But how can I be anything more
than this?

Petals shrivel at the brush of my fingers.
Icicles drip off moth eaten clothes.
I’m forced to exist. Why?

Why do I feel this way?
I promised I would never.
I don’t deserve you, baby.
You know I’m right.

But maybe I’m allowed this one gift.
Your twinkling eyes, your Saturn smile.
If only I knew it would last.
If only I wasn’t so afraid.

My love. Mine.