I saw you in my sleep
slamming my door
and showing me my biggest fear

I saw you in my sleep
wrecking everything I hold dear
and you lying on the floor

I saw you in my sleep

Your hand
fits around my neck
perfectly

your lips
fit my mouth
like a glove

I can still see what you left
the bruise around
my neck

and I can still taste
the poison
you left behind on my lips

I want to be a Teacher.
I want kids to feel the fire
that I do
not to just say
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."
and not question
what they are being taught
I want them
to question
ME.
I want them to learn
not to take everything
at face value
and to
question
question
question
and I want that fire of theirs
to never go out

this is just another ******* **** poem
why just another **** poem?
you sit there and think
why talk about this so often
when the economy is collapsing
and children are starving
and there's a possibility of a
world war 3?

but guess what ******,
this poem isn't for you
its for those who's souls have been
tied down and beaten
for those who have lost all hope
for those who have been told that its
"all their fault"
to them, this poem isn't
just another ******* **** poem
it is their savior poem

the one thing that points
out the ****** up things
like double standards
and victim blaming
it may give them the
push that will break the ropes
that hold their souls down

this is the poem that will
restore hope for those who have
given up because society has
given up them and tossed them away
like a used ******.

and I will continue writing other
******* **** poems
until my mother stops telling me
to not forget my mace
until I dont have to pay for 500$
self defense classes, on the off chance that hey,
maybe I wont be ***** tonight.
until im not blamed for being attacked
until my ****** is not pitted for his
football carer being ended prematurely
until I can dress like a **** and get home safely

I will continue writing **** poems
until I have nothing ******* left
to write about

My hands are shaking in anticapation
Just one cut
I get to see that sweet sweet blood
I just cut so deep
I saw the real me underneath
It feels so good

Those lips
Those lips will make your eyes roll into the back of your head
His lips will make you feel so important
Yet invisible
You feel okay, fine for once
But that feeling is so fragile
It could shatter from his smile
Just some muscles moving
Could make your heart beat out of control
And can make you feel whole
And alone

I think that being lonely
is one of the worst things
a human can experience
because it feels so final
than everything you've ever felt
before

the sheen in your eyes
when you looked at me
was gone

you no longer cared
when I talked about
the things I loved

your touches became cold
and I started to freeze
even while under your blankets

my voice became a whisper
and I got lost
in the wind

May 9th

May 9th was the day you died
May 9th was the day your family died

May 10th was the day you almost died
May 10th was the day you went to the ER

May 11th was the day I almost died
May 11th was the day I didn't care anymore

August 1st was the day I started to care again.

I think that

maybe

There's a reason deeper than what you say
to make you destroy yourself like this

and just maybe

I'm wasting my time
trying to help you

Im your first born,
Why wont you protect me mommy?

I did nothing to him,
But you just stand there and watch.

Dont you love me?
Protects his son,
But hurts your first born?

Thats ****** up mommy.

Deep down,
behind all this ****,
Im still the little girl you know.

Your supost to protect me.
But you aint mommy.
You *****!

Im hurtin,
But you cant even tell.

Your a ***** mommy!
I hate you mommy!
I hate hateing you mommy!

It makes me hurt inside.

The thing is with the monster,
Is you always want more.
At first a little.
Later, more.
The monster gives you that self-induced high.
It leavs you,
Craving for more.
You welcome the monster with open arms.
You wish deep in your mind,
That you could push it away.
But when you want to most,
The monster finds you.
You forget about not wanting it.
And you fly away,
In a self-induced high.

Ha, love. I don't even know what it is anymore.
He thought he did for the longest time.
He knows,
Knows that he can make me feel good
Where others have hurt me
He will hold no convictions or judgment
In exchange for the same
I can agree to that
One of these days he says
Just let me come show you a good time
Unlike I've ever experienced
Because I know I need it
But
BUT
Maybe you need it more than I do

my skin
was rubbed raw
because someone touched me
on the sidewalk
without my permission

one time I didn't sleep for a week
because something in my room was
out of place and I
couldn't fix it

ive stayed up all night
wondering if all the doors are locked
so I check
once
twice
three times
four times
and so on
untill its time to wake up

the soaps in the shower
are put a certain way
if not
then I feel myself fall
apart

Ill clean for days
and not sleep
or stop
once

so please stop saying
"Oh, im so OCD!"
because you will never understand
what its like to have this crippling
fear
that everything will go wrong
if one thing is different

do you ever feel just so alone?
like, you have all these friends,
but you still feel alone.
you feel sad.
depressed.
like you want to die.
so you drown your sorrows.
you drink,
you smoke,
and you pop pills.
you deprive your self of sleep,
so you can crash, and not dream.
so you can have a moments rest.
a moment where nothing is wrong.
but really, everything is wrong.
you feel like everything is falling apart
because it is
and one day
it all just gonna...
end.

When I was younger,
innocent,
I wondered
"Why do people like those thing?"

And now,
I know exactly why
people like the things they do.

Even though your at your end
You push through the sleepless nights

dreamless

And once again everything is blurry
And your mind is everywhere

And those sweet little tablets
Cause your dispare

Mouth turns dry
And your face becomes pale
And your eyes become dull
And your body is weak
And bruises cover your soul

Dawn comes and its time to
Eat but your friend
Ana is there for you and wont let you
D**own

Ruined ruined ruined
Im ruined
My heart can't feel it
Can't express it
Because I'm
Ruined ruined ruined
I let you down
Its all my fault
Because I let my walls down
And now I'm
Ruined ruined ruined

Your an *******, a ****.
Why do I keep coming back?

Oh.
That's right.

***.

You know all the right places to touch me.
You know how to make me moan like a *****.

***.

Because,
Your oh, so good.

And I hate you so, you ignore me.
But that's okay, you hate me too.

I took some pills
and my hands were still shaking
the water was running
it turned pink
then red
and then they stopped shaking

Baby i'll be
under your sheets
or over them
just don't say
*I love you

When stuck in a flesh cage
You must nourish it
You must feed it

She is stuck inside of you
You must purge her out
For she is sin

You must starve her
For she is sin
So you can be sinless

For small is holy
And that is what you must be
Sinless

Sigh

Light chatter around me
Im full of content

Smooth jazz
Wraps around my ears

I float back in time

Poetry Jams
Snapping fingers

Oh la la, content

I want someone to say
"I got lost inside of her,
and I don't want to find my way"

I want someone to say
"Her eyes stole my soul,
I don't want it back"

I want some one to say
"Her mouth ate me whole,
I don't want to be spit out"

I want someone to say
"Her hands captured my body,
I don't want to be let go"

in-between heaven and hell
see their faces
as they cry out for help

blue and bare as I lay
Gods forsaken me
I have no soul to save

take it to my grave
where the whispers will fade away
forgoten

Laying under the stars
but I cant see them
Hold the sun in my eyes
but I don't show it
Hold the universe in my soul
but I don't unlock it

I  laughf,
Crackle,
State of insinaty.
Wild in my eyes.
Unknown evil lurking,
Beanth the surface,
Of my life.
I rejoice at the sight.
Blood covering my hands,
My whole body.
I see my pray,
Im ready to pounce.
I need my wepon.
Grab the blade,
Attack the emotions.
Let them all die.
I smile a wicked one,
Now my job is done.
Emotions are now gone.
My sight is set,
And its oh. so clear,
Its around the corner,
Death is near.
Time ticks by,
Emotions run lose,
No use to catch them.
Ill be gone soon.

we laid down together
and you asked me about the stories
behind my scars
and I told you about all the times I fell
and how I got that one on my shin
and the one on my chest
but when you got to some scars
I just shook my head and smiled and said
"maybe ill tell you one day"
but I don't plan on ever telling you
about the cluster of scars
on my thighs
or my wrists
because I may be a book
but those are stories I don't ever want to tell

These dark times are haunting me
Life coming apart at the seams
Its dark again
The sun rarely shows its face
Theres no moon to reflect the suns light
And I can feel my self falling
Into
The
Darkness

Was the temporary
happiness
worth the
long time
destruction?

sheets were once colored red with passion
and so were your eyes
but the red soon bled out
and the sheets were changed
to a dull white
because of accidental bleaching
(but I wished they turned pink)
because the sheets lost their color
just like your eyes

My eyes are squeezed shut in an attempt to keep the last of my sanity
I still feel all of my emotions and my minds repeating everything
My mind wont stop and I cant seem to control anything
Nothing goes right and I keep asking him to stop
And he wont and it makes my hands tremble
Im thinking about the sleeping pills
Thinking about taking them
To help me escape
This hell

You spend all you're time cleaning you're razors and knifes
But for what?
To let the wound sit there and fester
To pick at the healing skin
To let it get infected
And the days go by slowly and the wounds healing at a sloths pace
Some leave thin white lines behind
Others red angry raised marks
And I know you lie on your bed looking at each and everyone of them

you hold her
and not me anymore

you see her back arched
and not mine

you feel her skin against yours
and forget what I feel like

but its okay
its not like I loved you
because I didnt

I just thought that maybe
in this world

you could be the one to trust
out of every other human there is

I kissed your lips
      as the sun faded
          and you turned to dust

if I say i'm
unlovable
don't say to me
"But I love you,
isn't that enough?"
because honestly it's not
I say i'm unlovable
because I can't even
love myself
so how can others?

The more I talk to you

The more you talk to me about your problems

Your labyrinthine of a mind

And I try to unravel you

And at the same time

Im unraveling myself

I want you to take me in the most unromantic way
pull my hair
and go harder
kiss me softly
and hold me tight
I want you to take me in the most romantic way

My scars were everywhere,

Inside and out.

Painted with razors and words.

I want drugs

Drugs that make me look ******* fine

I thought I put all of that **** out of my mind