Some cannibals thought it quite queer
That a verse-spouting judge showed no fear.
     When ready to dine,
     They hung up a sign
Which read:  'Poetic justice served here.'

A lisping shoe salesman was wise
To keep his defect in disguise.
     He'd the back luck to say
     To a lady, one day,
"Thit down while I look up your thize."

Picasso reported a theft
By art thieves who barely had left.

"Did you see them?" cops prodded.
"I think so."  He nodded.

"Perhaps you could sketch them
To help us to ketch them."

So he sat down to draw
And they watched him with awe.

After they knew
What Pablo drew,

Arrests swiftly came.
I cite them by name:
Mandolin, guitar, and horse.

But do I jest?  Of course.

At her husband's behest, a young Frau
Took son to a rabbi with know-hau.
When she ventured to ask
Concerning the task,
He said, "Meine Frau, shouldn't be long nau."

A fortunate fish is the cod,
Who owes it mostly to God
     And a little good luck
     That it isn't stuck
All its life with a name like the scrod.

The ***** of a gent from Kent
Was angled like the roof of a tent.
     When his good wife Nell
     Began to swell,
He said, "Why, I've a creative bent."

Many females wear a B-bra;
Others are proud of their C-bra.
     But were there a prize
     For purely grade size,
It'd doubtless go to the zebra.

A Quaker wife never felt free
To know what a ****** would be.
     Her seismologist mate
     Declined to berate,
Predicting a 7.3.

A lioness a hunter spied
And decided to go for a ride.
     The lion awoke
     And ate the poor bloke,
Thinking he'd injured his pride.

A woman returned from a spree
Of shopping that brought her much glee.
     When her husband espied
     All she'd bought, he just sighed,
"The best things of wife are not free."

A remorseful young man named Nat
Tried hard to find where life was at.
     Wine, women and song
     Put his thinking all wrong.
Too much of those things can do that.

A tree, like man, is born to toil,
As leafage falls, lies for a time
In dormancy, then makes the climb
To start a life, through crust of soil.

If nature's kind (at least is fair),
The sapling usually will thrive;
Takes what it needs to stay alive
From earth and water, sun and air.

Through countless seasons, start to end,
The searing heat and bitter cold,
The wind and blight that make it old,
And topple many a fellow friend;

Despite the years of overuse,
Put upon by man and beast,
The tree complains not in the least,
Nor asks for respite from abuse.

Day by day, it seems to know
The One who made it, made us all;
So, when it feels the final call
To leave its place in earth and go,

It yields itself for greater good.
In dying, gives itself to man,
Providing, in what ways it can,
Warmth and shelter with its wood.

                            *

Sage advice is sometimes free.
The message of this simple verse
Is:  we could do a little worse
Than take a lesson from the tree.

A geneticist named Maloney
Crossed crocodile with abalone.
He thought, for a while,
He'd get an abadile,
But instead got  a croc' abaloney.

An Israeli art dealer awoke
And dined while his wife told a joke.
He inhaled what he ate
And she found out, too late,
She'd a Jerusalem artichoke.

Our garden was always open
To any who would come;
The flowers ever fragrant
And held in awe by some.

Tulips, lilacs, and daffodils,
Roses of red and white,
Peonies for my enchantment;
All made for our delight.

-----

You asked to see our garden,
And so I let you in.
Flattered by your interest,
I showed what grew within.

It was there you tempted me;
Said I would not surely die.
Tempted me with lovely fruit;
Twisted truth into lie.

You said my eyes would open,
I’d know both evil and good.
This you failed to tell me: could
I know but good, I should.

So I took the fruit you proffered,
Bit it and ate thereof.
And though it happened in silence,
That’s how hate supplanted love.

There’s something that I’d like to say:
I was beguiled; not so my mate.
Though horrified, he loved me so,
He ate the fruit and shared my fate.

Might this not have happened
Had I not strayed from Adam’s side?
He might have stopped my folly.
Perhaps you can decide.

-----

The light that cloaked us disappeared;
Vanished like the stars at day.
Our eyes opened, but what we saw
Brought foreboding and dismay.

We made clothing with leaves of fig.
Covered up to hide our shame
And guilt for having disobeyed;
But did nothing to hide blame.

Adam blamed me; I blamed you.
No self-responsibility.
Had we nothing else to blame
We might have blamed the Tree.

God listened, then pronounced His curse.
Our hearts were filled with woe
Despite our ignorance of how
Hard the winds of fate can blow.

-----

The garden blooms as once it did
But I’m no longer there.
What then was bliss, now is this:
A life I can barely bear.

-----

But yet there’s hope for me, for us.
God told of the master plan
(That we might live forever)
To save the race of man.

-----

The bluebells whisper now to me
I shouldn’t have ventured near the Tree.
All that I had may never be
Except in distant memory.

An acquaintance knows Cantonese.
Once knew it like her Q's and P's.
Although it was her mother tongue
Some she forgot since she was young.

She doesn't now translate with ease.
For when she tries, her mind will seize.
Not only does blood pressure rise
(So much in fact it hits new highs),
But she finds her knees get weak
And a flush comes to her cheek.
She thinks, as she breaks into sweat,
'Is more to come?'  She knows not yet.
She wonders what could be the matter.
Has she gone mad, like the Hatter?

It might behoove to translate less.
Translating less should bring less stress.

For trying to translate Cantonese -
Who knew it'd cause such things as these?

Endangered's the beast called the rhino,
Whose horn is prized by the Sino.
     I asked one (with a smirk):
     "Does this stuff really work?"
He softly replied, "Oh my, no."

What's the longest word?  You take a guess.
(This dates from grade school, I must confess).
It may seem absurd
But 'smiles' is the word;
There's a mile between 1st and last 's'.

The good health that was visited on you
When you were young, and maybe from your birth,
Has made your life the richer, and your worth
Is measured by the things you love to do.

It seems that few of any age can keep
Up the daunting pace for yourself you’ve set.
Your energy exceeds that most have met
And so they watch, they marvel and they weep.

Whether it be on the slopes or maybe
Links, or ballroom floor, or choir of church,
You seem to find fulfillment in your search
For what it is that makes up destiny.

So, at this time, this very special time
When milestone passes, that won’t come again,
May of all things you have the best, and when
The day comes (and it will) you’re past your prime

Memories of a better time will keep
A Giaconda smile upon your face.
While your mind may be in another place,
May smile remain as you drift into sleep.

A drinking handyman, one morn,
Felt standard libations were worn.
With magnesium milk
He mixed ***** or ilk.
Thus was the "Phillips Screwdriver" born.

A hard-drinking fellow, one morn,
Felt standard libations were worn.
     With magnesium milk
     He mixed ***** or ilk.
Thus was the 'Phillips Screwdriver' born.

Odd-looking beasts are the manatee,
Who're not afflicted with vanitee.
     They don't care how they look
     When their picture is took
(Humans think this is insanitee).

When does ire
become hate?
Or desire
something more,
which we late-
r may regret?
Might we abet
what we abhor?

That fine line
(not in sand nor red,
but in heart and head)
flutters, like vine
or leaf in breeze.
As a restive boat,
it may bob and float.
But we forget with ease.

         *

So can looks ****?
Not only as man
(but that, too),
I assure you
they sure can.
They may; they will.

Concerning life's woes and its weals:
The women who know how it feels
    To be used. and then left
    Forlorn and bereft
Should recall that time wounds all heels.

The warthog is terribly warty.
It has a million and forty.
     You might think it would seem
     A dermatologist's dream
To catch one while out on a sortie.

An expert safecracker with brawn
Was caught at his work before dawn.
    Though he paid for his deeds,
    His epitaph reads:
"Here lies a pro and a con."

In Tulsa, a prior bed-wetter
Grew up to be a big debtor.
     He gambled in college  
     And friends all acknowledge
His fame as 'the Sooner, the Bettor.'

An addicted artist awoke
And vowed to give up ro-coke.
     A gambler in debt,
     He increased his bet,
Deciding to go for baroque.

The camel, with two humps or one,
Is built to withstand sand and sun.
     I don't know about you,
     But, re humps, I like two;
To fall off is really no fun.

A man who was quite fond of beer
Drank till his mind wasn't clear.
As he hoisted a rose
He words carefully chose,
Saying, "Thish bud's for you, my dear."

There once was a Hebrew named Ham
Who said, "Oy vey, I'm old.  I am.
My joints all do creak
And my plumbing doth leak
Or else it's stopped up like a dam."

A Finn, who lived in Helsinki,
Had feet that were terribly stinki.
    What made his wife stay
    (The neighbors all say)
Was weakness for *** that was kinki.

A ticklish young lady named Nancy
Was wooed by a fellow named Clancy.
Though he tickled her pink,
What made her heart sink
Was: he didn't tickle her fancy.

A politician seeking election
Sought support from his Asian section.
Said a supporter
As he left their quarter:
"Rots of ruck, sir, in your *******."

A housewife didn't think it a treat
When, at night, he peed on the seat.
     The next time he did
      She'd put down the lid.
Who says that revenge isn't sweet?

A short little man from Quebec
Had a toothache and went for a check.
     When he wanted to know
     Why the tooth had to go,
He was told, "Ees Toulouse, Lautrec."

When I fail to think of You
(And, sad to say, times more than few)
Because of all I need to do
(Or think I do - that may be true)

I hie me to the clear, cold air
At heights where oxygen is rare
Bluer skies and brighter sun; where
One can discard life’s every care.

And on the mountaintop I see
My life with greater clarity.
I feel unfettered; now am free
To be the man I strive to be.

Why to the mountains do I go?
Whether there be snow or no?
Although the reasons may not show
I’m moved by mountains; this I know.

A clumsy musician named June
Would trip several times before noon.
     A myopic conductor
     Tried to abduct her,
Mistaking her fall for a swoon.

My daughter says somebody told her
Of a Far Eastern man, who, though older
     Than some of the rest,
     Coud contort with the best
As was known as 'The Manila Folder.'

One thing we think deserves mention:
Right now there's no real dissension
     About whether salt
     May be at fault
As one cause of hypertension.

******* were a lovely invension.
They're best when the skin's under tension.
Quite often it's not.
Some cases are what
Keep surgeons from tapping their pension.

A zookeeper makes a lotta fuss
Over a zoo's hippopotamus.
For if it gets sick,
Its hide is so thick
It's hard to find a phlebotomus.

Said a nurse, as she rolled up his shirt,
"This won't hurt," in a manner most curt.
Said he, coming to,
"Don't know what I'd do
If she said it really would hurt."

A young Hindu maid fromTujunga
Said to her friend, "Cowabunga!
     Rock music I hear
     So deafens my ear,
The Din I prefer would be Gunga."

A doctor of x-rays named Park
Begat more offspring than a shark.
When asked as to why,
He was heard to reply:
"I do my best work in the dark."

Limerick writing's no cinch.
At times one gets in a pinch.
     It's still rather fun
     To unearth a pun
And try the 5th line to clinch.