Concerning life's woes and its weals:
The women who know how it feels
    To be used. and then left
    Forlorn and bereft
Should recall that time wounds all heels.

Picasso reported a theft
By art thieves who barely had left.

"Did you see them?" cops prodded.
"I think so."  He nodded.

"Perhaps you could sketch them
To help us to ketch them."

So he sat down to draw
And they watched him with awe.

After they knew
What Pablo drew,

Arrests swiftly came.
I cite them by name:
Mandolin, guitar, and horse.

But do I jest?  Of course.

It may well be that there is no
Man who's seen abominable snow-
     Man, known also as yeti;
     Yet I think if we met, he
Might flee as fast as HE could go.

The Good Book says not to deceive.
What I say here is true, I believe.
     Upon some reflection,
     When it comes to injection,
It's more blessed to give than receive.

Endangered's the beast called the rhino,
Whose horn is prized by the Sino.
     I asked one (with a smirk):
     "Does this stuff really work?"
He softly replied, "Oh my, no."

An unfortunate parson named Burch
Had a penchant for flatus in church.
     This caused not a few
     Who sat in his pew
To exodus in spiritual surch.

A zookeeper makes a lotta fuss
Over a zoo's hippopotamus.
For if it gets sick,
Its hide is so thick
It's hard to find a phlebotomus.

A strange thing it is about hair
(Perhaps mostly male, to be fair).
     We comb, brush and fuss
     And oftentimes cuss
About something that soon won't be there.

Odd-looking beasts are the manatee,
Who're not afflicted with vanitee.
     They don't care how they look
     When their picture is took
(Humans think this is insanitee).

While Tweety's well known for his chirp,
And Pluto's trademark is his slurp,
     For human fame
     One needs a name
Like Wyatt, who was known to bEarp.

Some cannibals thought it quite queer
That a verse-spouting judge showed no fear.
     When ready to dine,
     They hung up a sign
Which read:  'Poetic justice served here.'

An oft-married actress from Cannes
Was known for her men and her tannes.
     Alone, she awoke,
     Stretched slowly, and spoke,
"Ah - I feel like a new mannes."

An acquaintance knows Cantonese.
Once knew it like her Q's and P's.
Although it was her mother tongue
Some she forgot since she was young.

She doesn't now translate with ease.
For when she tries, her mind will seize.
Not only does blood pressure rise
(So much in fact it hits new highs),
But she finds her knees get weak
And a flush comes to her cheek.
She thinks, as she breaks into sweat,
'Is more to come?'  She knows not yet.
She wonders what could be the matter.
Has she gone mad, like the Hatter?

It might behoove to translate less.
Translating less should bring less stress.

For trying to translate Cantonese -
Who knew it'd cause such things as these?

A geneticist named Maloney
Crossed crocodile with abalone.
He thought, for a while,
He'd get an abadile,
But instead got  a croc' abaloney.

A politician seeking election
Sought support from his Asian section.
Said a supporter
As he left their quarter:
"Rots of ruck, sir, in your *******."

A clumsy musician named June
Would trip several times before noon.
     A myopic conductor
     Tried to abduct her,
Mistaking her fall for a swoon.

The warthog is terribly warty.
It has a million and forty.
     You might think it would seem
     A dermatologist's dream
To catch one while out on a sortie.

My daughter says somebody told her
Of a Far Eastern man, who, though older
     Than some of the rest,
     Coud contort with the best
As was known as 'The Manila Folder.'

A Finn, who lived in Helsinki,
Had feet that were terribly stinki.
    What made his wife stay
    (The neighbors all say)
Was weakness for *** that was kinki.

A strange-sounding name has the gnu,
Which has rather little to du
     Except give us fits,
     For were all names like its,
Just look how we'd have to spell gStu.

There once was a Hebrew named Ham
Who said, "Oy vey, I'm old.  I am.
My joints all do creak
And my plumbing doth leak
Or else it's stopped up like a dam."

A remorseful young man named Nat
Tried hard to find where life was at.
     Wine, women and song
     Put his thinking all wrong.
Too much of those things can do that.

There once was a lovely young nurse
Who had a fondness for verse.
But her rhythm and rhyme
Consumed so much time
Patients thought she could hardly be worse.

A Quaker wife never felt free
To know what a ****** would be.
     Her seismologist mate
     Declined to berate,
Predicting a 7.3.

A hard-drinking fellow, one morn,
Felt standard libations were worn.
     With magnesium milk
     He mixed ***** or ilk.
Thus was the 'Phillips Screwdriver' born.

A drinking handyman, one morn,
Felt standard libations were worn.
With magnesium milk
He mixed ***** or ilk.
Thus was the "Phillips Screwdriver" born.

A man who was quite fond of beer
Drank till his mind wasn't clear.
As he hoisted a rose
He words carefully chose,
Saying, "Thish bud's for you, my dear."

An addicted artist awoke
And vowed to give up ro-coke.
     A gambler in debt,
     He increased his bet,
Deciding to go for baroque.

One thing we think deserves mention:
Right now there's no real dissension
     About whether salt
     May be at fault
As one cause of hypertension.

Queer is the beast called the aardvark.
It's found in the zoo, not the park.
     It has the distinction
     Of cheating extinction
By being the first in the Ark.

In Tulsa, a prior bed-wetter
Grew up to be a big debtor.
     He gambled in college  
     And friends all acknowledge
His fame as 'the Sooner, the Bettor.'

A ticklish young lady named Nancy
Was wooed by a fellow named Clancy.
Though he tickled her pink,
What made her heart sink
Was: he didn't tickle her fancy.

A short little man from Quebec
Had a toothache and went for a check.
     When he wanted to know
     Why the tooth had to go,
He was told, "Ees Toulouse, Lautrec."

Said an aging linguist named Flynn,
"I hardly know how to begin.
     The words I once used
     Now make me confused;
I forget which language they're in."

An Israeli art dealer awoke
And dined while his wife told a joke.
He inhaled what he ate
And she found out, too late,
She'd a Jerusalem artichoke.

The stock market, as we all know,
Can deal a mighty hard blow.
Some would do better
If they could unfetter
A penchant for 'Buy high, sell low.'

Said a nurse, as she rolled up his shirt,
"This won't hurt," in a manner most curt.
Said he, coming to,
"Don't know what I'd do
If she said it really would hurt."

At her husband's behest, a young Frau
Took son to a rabbi with know-hau.
When she ventured to ask
Concerning the task,
He said, "Meine Frau, shouldn't be long nau."

What's the longest word?  You take a guess.
(This dates from grade school, I must confess).
It may seem absurd
But 'smiles' is the word;
There's a mile between 1st and last 's'.

A young Hindu maid fromTujunga
Said to her friend, "Cowabunga!
     Rock music I hear
     So deafens my ear,
The Din I prefer would be Gunga."

A gifted artist was Van Gogh,
Who cut off his ear, as you knogh.
     When he wanted it back,
     What made his mood black
Was that he had not learned to sogh.

An expert safecracker with brawn
Was caught at his work before dawn.
    Though he paid for his deeds,
    His epitaph reads:
"Here lies a pro and a con."

A wonderful fish is the koi.
It does more to please than annoi.
     What gives me puzzlement
     Is, despite nuzzlement,
I can't tell a girl fish from boi.

An overweight vulture named Marion,
When others had eaten, would tarry on.
     She was slow to embark,
     Which caused the remark,
"Your excess baggage must be carrion."

******* were a lovely invension.
They're best when the skin's under tension.
Quite often it's not.
Some cases are what
Keep surgeons from tapping their pension.

A mountain of a man, I’d say,
Like the mountain on which he stood.
For forty days, two times a day
He dared to fight us if we would.

A freak of nature, if such be.
He stood six cubits and a span.
As sturdy as an oak was he;
More like a tree, it seemed, than man.

I recalled the lion and bear
That I’d pursued and smote to death.
Of danger I was well aware
But took my lamb and took their breath.

Our king did not want me to fight.
He said, “Thou art a youth, and he
Is man of war and man of might.
I fear for us; I fear for thee.”

But then relented and said, “Go
And God be with you.”  He then gave
Me armor that was his, and so
Perhaps he thought my life it'd save.

I put his helmet on my head
And donned the coat of mail of Saul.
But they didn't feel right, so instead
No armor would I wear at all.

I bent a knee; I flexed a hip.
I chose five stones from nearby brook.
I put them in my shepherd’s scrip,
In hand my staff and sling I took.

Did I feel fear?  I cannot say.
I don’t recall the way I felt.
I think it may have been this way:
With harder things I thought I’d dealt.

So toward the tree I quickly ran.
I was alone; but they were two.
Before Goliath was a man
Who bore a shield, as bearers do.

He seemed insulted by my youth.
He cursed behind the man of shield.
He said he’d feed me, this forsooth,
To birds of air and beasts of field.

Those words of his I couldn’t abide;
Within me something then awoke -
A righteous rage I could not hide.
I couldn’t contain myself; I spoke.

I don’t regret the words I said.
I told him then, I told him there
Whose carcass it would be that fed
The beasts of field and birds of air.

I went toward him and slid a stone
Into the pouch of trusty sling.
It was the fastest stone I’ve thrown;
I put my might behind the thing.

I said a prayer as I let fly
That God would guide the path stone took.
It landed just above his eye.
As he fell down, methinks earth shook.

The Philistines, their hero dead,
Put down their arms and ran away.
I knew that, even as they fled,
They'd live to fight another day.


I think back on that special day,
A day that dims in memory.
Though I grow old, I yet can say:
The Lord is good; O taste and see.

If you've never been to a zoo,
You may doubt what I say here is true:
     In season of rut
     The inmates are not
Concerned if we watch what they do.