I miss that smell.
The one you wore the first day I met you
and every single one that followed.

The smell that contains all of our memories.
A hint of our first kiss
a dash of our sleepless nights
and a burst of our love.

The smell that filled my body
and paralyzed me into the moment.
The one that forced me to let go of everything
and appreciate something simple.
I miss that smell.

You learned your fate by collapsing on the floor.
The doctors told you the news that you were heading for war.
Just like a solider you marched to the front lines,
enduring years of hell and not a once did I hear you whine.

You fought for every breath knowing you could not win.
You fought for your life knowing something great was within.
You fought for your family for they needed you still.
You fought for your existence for nothing could break your will.

Your fight ended along with your life.
Leaving your kids as well as your wife.
Through your battle I was forced to grow.
Learning that everything in life has to let go.

I struggle with my existence
The meaning
The purpose
The reason
The entirety of whatever it truly is

I struggle with the unknown
The why am I here?
The what does it all mean?
The where will I eventually go?
and all the questions that don't have answers

I struggle with the lack of clarity
The blindfolded walking
The voice I can only hear
and the life I can only know.

I want to unlearn all the rules I know.
Like money in the bank equals happiness,
or getting married and having kids is a necessity in life.
I never want to watch an advertisement again
that tells me the way I am isn't okay.
I never want to be sold on whats right
because I never want to forget all the wrong.
I want to go from country to country
knowing that the people and land are apart of my own.
I want to leave this place the same way I came in.
Without guidelines or rules to tell me whats next.