as the empty, humid summer turns to fall
and cool winds start to blow,
I think back to spring,
when I stood on that stage,
exhausted,
with spotlights blinding me,
impairing my view of the audience.
but I could see you sitting there,
smirking,
in the seats closest to stage right.
an empty juice bottle in your hands
filled with recently picked river flowers.
we knew, even then,
at the very start of the adventure we took together,
that this wouldn't be an insignificant moment,
that not one moment between us would be meaningless,
and that not matter how hard we tried to forget them,
these moments would replay in our minds forever,
or at least in mine.

I will never dance on that stage again,
I will never look out to see you smiling at me from the audience.
You will never spend a day picking flowers for me at the river,
I wish you never had in the first place.

These days,
when I close my eyes to sleep at night
I see you looking at me
the way you used to look at me,
as if I was the only person around for miles
These days,
when I close my eyes and try to escape this empty world
you're there, smiling
with love reflected in every movement
and tears of joy in your eyes
These days,
when I crawl into bed and press my tear filled eyes shut
you're looking at me with concern
you comfort me, take care of me
kiss my forehead, lips, and neck.
These days,
I don't sleep well at all.
I can't close my eyes without seeing you
I can't sleep without dreaming of you
you're always there, and things are how they were.

But I can't be fooled by my mind.

my mom asked me if i'm numb to the bad language in my music
she asked if i choose not to hear it
no, i hear it.
in fact i love it
i think there are more important things to be worried about

~When I was 4
my parents left me in a car
in an unfamiliar neighborhood
while they attended a party
because I had fallen asleep
When I awoke
I cried
and went to a strangers house
asking for my mom
they called the cops
it was my fault.
~When I was 7
I got home after school
nobody was home
I waited a little bit
then called my friend's mom
scared, and had them pick me up
When my parents got home
a little bit later
they had been shopping
everything was fine
it was my fault.
~When I was 9
I began to have night terrors
I couldn't sleep
I cried and cried
my dad tried to understand
but there was only so much he could take
he made me sleep alone
upstairs
but I didn't sleep
I was afraid
and it was my fault.
~When I was 11
I found some friends
they were really cool
and I wasn't cool enough for them
they bossed me around
and I bought them ice cream
When my best friend
told me that Janelle was her best friend
not me
I cried, I didn't understand
and it was my fault.
~When I was thirteen
I thought I was in love
though I didn't know loves meaning
I was fooled and tricked
led on and hurt
I was pathetic
and it was my fault.
~When I was 15
I got over my first love
found a boy that was very cute
he said he loved me
and we made love
my first time
and many more followed
but it was all a lie
and mind games began
I believed him
it was my fault.
~When I was 17
I met a boy
whose heart was a diamond
who touched every person he met
he was loved by all
a caring, understanding, trustworthy person
something I had never come across
I took that amazing beautiful thing
the one person that told me
it's not your fault
and ruined it for myself
and it was my fault.

well i had to know it was too good to be true
your generous heart
your understanding demeanor
you saw such good in me
but that good that you saw wasn't as good as it seemed
but it was so amazing
for someone that was so amazing
to see something amazing in me
but alas, that isn't me
i'm not as lovely as you believed

shades on
looking cool
covering up my red eyes
tears staining my cheeks
yet I sit in the Chevron parking lot talking to people as if nothing is wrong
casually scrolling through my phone, asking people about their plans
as if I care
yeah, I smoked a cigarette today
or at least a couple drags
I thought that it could replace you
but no such luck so I gave it up
I wish for death, but death by smoking takes too long
now you feel gone and I need something to take your place

I look over at you as we sit on a seat of metal on the pioneer trail
We say nothing, we avoid eye contact.
The space between us is inevitable although we are forced to be quite close
The light in your eyes is gone and a cold wall is up
A wall too strong for me to break in the state I happened to be in
I wasn't prepared for the distance, but are we ever really ready?
I can't tell if it's the end or if we just hit a bump
And I can't read your face or decipher the meaning behind your vague messages.
All I know is that I am over here and you are worlds away
and that at this moment that is where you want to be.
Not by my side.
Worlds away.

I saw a face
on my journey towards self improvement.
This face was a representation,
a sign of hope,
A sign of all the things I am looking for,
within myself and without.
I called out and it answered
without hesitation
with love, understanding, and compassion.
It soothed my nerves
It released my tension
It was the hidden antidote,
the spiritual guide,
the handsome stranger,
The home.
And home is where I hope to remain.

I carved my name into you with a switchblade and my finger nails.
I kissed you in the crevice between your neck and shoulder bone.
I confided in you with problems, whether petty or massive
Made you feel needed
Made you feel wanted.
You bandaged up my name
You washed off my lips imprints
You laughed at my problems and gave me more to handle
Made me feel helpless
Made me feel meaningless
Time and time again
I am erased
From the minds of the ones I love.

*******
and your indecisiveness
Your mysterious demure caught my glance
You twisted, and dissembled my sight
Wrapped up in your eloquence
Believing in good intentions
Our evanescent love lasted only a moment
If it existed at all
Your nearness to me was made insignificant by your blithe nonchalance
And here I remain
An ingenue
Fooled again, lured in by your perplexing,
Negligent attitude towards life,
Towards me

Saturday 29**
His house.
Filled not only with the people that I love
but all the people that I despise the most
The snap backs, the Coors, the drunken barbies
I chug the ***** and laugh at their stupidity
Cigarette number 1.2&3 at once
on the porch
and she gets there
pulls out her white powder
her lines in the kitchen
He yells, he wants to fight her
I don't want to stop him but I do
Is it terrible to think she'd be better off dead?
The smell of lust consumes me
as the air of a lost love surrounds me
He pulls me in
kissing him on drunken nights seems to become a trend
The friend that I can't lust for calls for me
he needs me
but I can't be there
Eventually I tear myself away
I curl up with the friend again
Giving him hope
in an impossible daydream

Friday 28**
the lack of attention,
lack of sexuality weighed on my shoulders
the abundance of stress and hardships
without any distraction
all at once
***** take away the pain
and it does
surrounded by beautiful people
with strangely demented faces
at least from my point of view
they watch over me as i stumble
a small rest in an elevator with pranksters
a cigarette on the balcony with..
who knows
a burning cigarette resting on my body somewhere
gum in my hair
then in the taco bell drive through
removing the toxins, in the worst of ways
and heading to the drunken second home of the beauties  

he cuddles me to sleep

i've been living in the shadows
in the small crevice in the back of my closet
next to the shoe box filled with love notes and memories

i've been seeing things through a ***** window
a window in my cell
where everything i touch is cold and sends shivers through my spine

i've been sleepwalking through this 'life'
as if it is my own
but i don't recognize the face i see in the mirror

i've been loving
every gentle, comely face that lay in their despair
and they run, they sprint, as i lay helpless

i've been trying, caring, wanting
and each and every time i am reminded
there is nothing good for me here

this isn't reality

that night
when you let me in
you told me i was amazing
that is what is killing me now

that night
i let you in deeper
we shared my domain
you saw everything i loved the most
and you took it all away

you filled my heart with lilacs
white and purple
passion, and hope for my contentment.
I thought that I had control
there was something there
it was bigger and truer than i expected
but there you went
your back turned as i began to collapse
my optimistic opposite had gone
and down i plummeted
please, bring the joy back into my life

Lately
I have decided
that if I were to come across the window to your soul,
any opening into your thoughts and feelings,
I would walk away.

Hesitate,
I may,
but I don't want any of your toxic beauty to leak in.
I could get trapped once again.

they say happiness can be achieved
by simply changing your point of view
but i say it's more complex

some were raised optimistic
others in doldrums
all able to achieve happiness

for some it is just around the corner
a smiling face
a close friend or a large embrace

for others it is across the Pacific
a true love
a constant companion

happiness is around
yes
but for me it isn't easily found

things have gotten very bad
i have forgotten how to handle it

i see you too much
it brings down any progress i might make

you're always with her
i thought you couldn't commit to someone?

i guess it was another excuse
people seem to be full of them

i'm never a first choice
people use me for attention

well what if i want attention?
when will it be my turn?

It's fine, okay?
Don't feel guilty
I wouldn't want this either
Go

Everything is fine
Not that you asked
Not that you'd care if it wasn't
Forget it

Have you seen the sideways glances?
Can you tell by my rouge cheeks and Rudolph nose
Do I look drained?
Maybe even distant?
Depressed

No. Your eyes are playing tricks
I am fine
I'm always fine
Not that you asked

the sun is shining and i still feel like complete ****
~

I hold on, to objects, to ideas, but mostly, to people
I can't seem to understand how people let go of the things they care for the most
I don't deal well with unfairness
I have a hard time keeping a positive attitude
I develop feelings for people more often then not
I put a lot into friendships and relationships where I get nothing in return
These are just a few of my many bad habits
And all of these habits keep pulling me back
Back into this mind set of anti motivational, pointlessness.
Back into these medications that I have learned from you
Back into, **** it
Back into your warm embrace and thoughtful words, all lies
Back into light me a ******* cigarette and stick a knife in my chest

waking up is hard.
a coffee mug filled with *** can make it a little easier
yet if you're sad enough, it doesn't **** the pain.
it fogs your vision but it can't end the desolation
school in a drunken haze
tripping down stairways, colliding with passerbys
but somehow with or without medication, school remains painful
all the people you love and have loved. all the people you hate. all the people you care not to know.
all gathered in one place.
so many faces bring back memories and regrets.
they are impossible to avoid.
some hurt.
many do.
and when you see him, from the corner of your eye and he grabs her waist and pulls her in
you can actually feel everything inside of you drop.
you pull out another cigarette. maybe two more, maybe three, because there is no way you can make it through another moment without them.
you push the tears back into your eyes, put a smile on your face, and even when a tear happens to leak, you tell people you had only just yawned.
And you carry on, another empty day.