there's something fundamental about existing
that shudders me.
and even in the moments
that I'm happy
I know I haven't escaped it.
it hovers persistently
in the background
and I can't ignore it forever.

misery is eternally pervasive.
what is there to be done of that
aside from suicide?

"don't be sad ryan, there are people dying in africa."
"you're right. that does make me feel better."

there are people suffering more than me.
what a load off my mind.
I can rest easy knowing that the suffering
that suffocates my every conscious thought
is just a mere droplet in the ocean of
unhappiness.

what a load off my mind.

I had to devote conscious attention
to censoring myself, so as not
to offend you.
now I wonder how I ever could love someone
whose very presence  restrains me
like that.

and my beliefs are not sacred
as yours are sacred and fragile.
it is my responsibility to make room
for your spiritual fragility
for fear that my unfiltered expressions
might shatter you.

and you might realise that I can be
everything in the universe
that has ever, or would ever
make you catch bile in the back of your throat
with intense repulsion.

just play it.
(whatever it is you're doing right now),
take it down further and further.
go as deep as you can with it.

it doesn't matter what it is
or where you are
down will stay down
and you will go deep.

zoom right in
lose all else
don't even think about it
just feel it out.

let it happen.
don't be scared.
let go.
get involved.
love everything deeply,
without reservation.
get attached.

then when it all gets
too much,
pull out for moment.
take a breather.
remind yourself
that it's all just a game.

then you'll find
it isn't so hard anymore,
to live dangerously,
to live madness
and love madly.

i've been in your home
since 1920.
longer than your three daughters,
longer than the wine stain
on the living room carpet,
longer than the photo of
your mother's second
marriage.

i've been living inside your walls
longer than you've been
moving those lungs.
and i've been moving
plaster through these lungs.

when I fill the walls
the walls likewise fill me up.
I haven't screamed since
1932.

I feel for the children
indoctrinated into religion.
I feel for the kids that can't,
won't question faith.

I feel fortunate I wasn't brainwashed
like that.
I feel my thoughts are my own,
I feel the theists have had that
stolen from them.
but I am intact.

only
when I realise I can't love
a catholic girl with
my everything
and my chest seizes up
when I hear them say grace,
I see I'm not better off
than they are.

in the same way that they have
been tricked to believe in a
celestial monarchy,
and see satan in me
so have I been tricked to see
satan in them.

I hate the church.
I thought I could still love the people.
but you can't hate anything
and still love the people.

I
and we all
have been rendered incapable
of fully accepting the implicit, fundamental unity
that does not name.

our parents didn't do it,
their grandparents didn't do it.
it started forever ago and it's
never going away.
we could of all loved each other
but we ****** up the axiom.
it's the greatest sin of all,
and it's nobody's fault.

you just don't get real paid.
you do it for free.
you're part of the problem.
if you don't do it for free
someone else will do it
for free.
you ask why that is.

well:
that's not a real job, you do it
because you love it.

"then a real job must be
something you do
that you hate doing."

we don't want you making a living
doing what you love doing.
the rest of us endure misery for money
every ******* day of our lives
and you want to spend your life playing
and you expect us to support you?
you've got a lot of nerve.
who do you think you are?

"i'm not a *******."

you're a drain.
grab a shovel and
dig.
find a computer
and type out something
worthwhile.

give us another rat.
we're running out of rats,
they keep dying...
we haven't worked out why
yet.

I was thinking about
getting a job in
sales,
but then I remembered
that would make me satan.

I was going to write
a longer poem than
this one,
but that burrito
I ate
has made me sleepy.