There's a
Ghost
Behind those eyes

There's a
Fish
Behind that barely-there smile

There's a
Catch
Behind that "Yeah"

And the only thing
You can do is
Know

You've got

Yours.

I,

Mine

All laughs and smiles

A pause

Eyes narrow

Body quivers to contain

Pressure builds

Silence

A crooked smile

A sneer

Cold laughter

Over and Over

Echoes

Head throbs

Sighs

Freeze

Sometimes
I just feel like
A soul
Dragging a weight

That is my body

And while pulling it
Along
Fighting to keep
Everything

On track

Not let that
Darkness
Take over
Again

"Smile and others around
Will too"
That's why I smile
Don't I?

I do.
I did.
I tried
Even though
I might've well
Have died

Endure...

Frozen over
Legs numbing
Feet burning
Neck straining
Just five more minutes..
Five more..

Endure

Limbs aching
Temper shortening
Time running
Eyes closing
Annoyance building

Endure..

Gut sinking
Stuffiness building
Lung capacity shrinking
Body trembling
Insides quivering
Look around...
Remember? 
Remember what you said?
Remember what you
Promised?

*Endure...

Then
Why didn’t you
Just
Tell me

The Truth

Straight

Everything happening
At once
Everything

Mind
A blank
Can't think
Of what to do
How to react

Everything
Moves
On
Faster
Faster
Faster
Faster

STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

You'll be hard
You'll be cold
You'll never feel
You'll never break
Again

I fixed
Myself
Picked up all the
Pieces
Or so I
Thought

If I did
There wouldn't be
An empty
Patch

If I did
The pressure
Wouldn't be building

If I did
It wouldn't be
So dark

If I did
I wouldn't be
Like
This

So the scenes
Replay
And manifest
In others
All around
And everyone
And everything
Collapses
At the same
Time

Sighs sit
In your chest
Not enough goes in
Not enough comes out

Voices bouncing about
Inside your head
Screeching
Contradicting
Listing
Taunting

Fighting the impulse
Clutch at your hair
And curl into
A ball
Alternatively
Covering your
Ears

Energy draining
Breath panting
Wanting everything
To end

Stuck in this
Constant
Replay

Seen both in
Yourself
And
Others

Funny
How
One person
Can be more
Than one

Have more than one
Side
Have more than one
Layer

Sometimes
It shows
Sometimes
It doesn't

It takes control
Of you
Like a puppet
Filling up the
S p a c e
Changing
Your entirety

You see things
Differently
You talk
Differently
You behave
Differently

Happy
Cranky
Angry
Anxious
Hard working
Lazy
High
Low
Nervous
Fly
Sink
And everything
Else

It gets
Difficult
To track
Difficult
To control
Difficult
To suppress

Yet

It provides
A certain kind of
Protection
And secrecy

I see you
I smile
You ignore
Give me the cold
Shoulder

I wonder
Why
The temperature
Inside
Drops
Echoes of the
Question
Echoing
Echoing
Echoing…

Leaving me wondering
What did I do wrong
Now?

Sinking
Sinking
Wishing I were
Elsewhere
Wondering
If I should do
More
Divided
Torn
Ripped
Confused
Off focus

The sudden drop
Creates a down draft
A vacuum
And suddenly
Everything starts
Crashing down
Like standing on a submarine
And it goes
Down
Dragging you
With it

The presence
Is back
The itch
Is back
The lethargy
Is back
The weight
Is back
The cold is back
A dark bitter winter
Vision blurring…

Please don’t drop…

There was this boy
He appeared
In my dreams
When I needed
Rescuing

Black hair
Black shirt
Jeans
Can't remember how he looks like

He was the only
One
In a world
Of delusion
Distortion
Nonsense
Who seemed
Real
Who was
Sane
Who cared
Or so I think

Miraculously
Getting rid
Of all the dangers
Saving me
From an
Unpleasant
Fate

I still remember
The last thing
He told me
In the last dream
It was long long ago...
Caught in a web
Like those pyramids
You climb
With danger
Getting imminently
Closer
Climbing through
Steadily
I was frozen
My fear of heights
Made my movements
Sluggish
And slow

He turned to me
And said
"I'll go draw him
Off
Go
We'll meet
There"
Then he vanished

Ever since then
He had never
Come back
I wonder what's happening
In that chaotic world
Sometimes
I even wonder
How he is

Even though
He isn't
In this world
He isn't
Flesh and blood
But he makes me feel
Safe and
Secure
Grounded
In a world
Of chaos

Oh where are you...

It's surprising
How fast
An idea
A spark
Can go out
And how fast
One can
Change
Mindset
Or
Personas

I cannot
Deny
Any further

I am
Getting
Tired

I am no longer
What I was
Before

But still
I cannot
Stop

No matter
What
Till the end

Spread the love
Spread the care
To here
And there
And everywhere

Spread it thick
Spread it far
Spread it generously
Cover every inch
Everybody

Spread it generously
Spread it well
Spread it till
There’s nothing
Left

Of
The coldness
The ice
The hardness
The tenacity
The defence

And
Now I wonder
Where have they all
Gone?

Melted
Crumbled
Weakened
*Feels wrong somehow..

I'm scared
of making
Eye contact
Because
I feel
Intimidated
By what I might
See

Sadness
Tiredness
Expectation
Hope
Malice
Anger
Terror­
Mockery
Annoyance
Hate
Scorn

They say that
Eyes
Are a window
Into your soul

I guess
That's why
I've learnt
To guard them
Well

I feel
Smaller
Already,
Comparing myself
To the me
Before

Itch Itch Itch Itch

Hate broiling
Speeding up the
Process

Itch Itch Itch Itch

Uncertainty sloshing
Around
Getting nervous

Itch Itch Itch Itch

Like a leaf
Getting eaten
By a caterpillar

Itch Itch Itch Itch

Muscles tensing
Up
Breath quickening

Itch Itch Itch Itch

To do but
Not
Doing

Itch Itch Itch Itch

Can't reach it
Still
Can't suppress it
Can't fill it
Can't anything

Itch Itch Itch Itch

"You can let others define you
Or you can define yourself"

The way you see things
Is how you define them

So

Your verdict?

I have an
Inability
To lie

I always tell
The truth
If I can

But when I hide
I only tell
Half of it
Or turn the conversation
Around
Or question
Questions
Or hold
My silence

But never do I give
False information
**Unless

Everything

The madness
The screaming
The monsters
The demons
The darkness
The nothingness
The dilemmas
The choices
The realities
The problems

Locked
Away
Behind a tall
Gate

The key?
It's been thrown
Away

What will
Happen

When I start
Living
For myself

Again?

I see no point
In living
All the troubles
Don’t you see?
Are all caused
By human kind

All the choices
All the suffering
All the wars
All the hunger
All the
Problems

Psychopaths?
Their made from their
Past
Abused
Neglected
Deprived

Retired soldiers
Waking up from
Gory scenes
Of war
Every night?
Those nightmares
Are caused by
The wars
The strife
The protests
The terrorists

A student’s stress?
Expectations
Goals
Standards
Commitments

A breadwinner’s worry?
Money
Income
Maintenance
The next meal

Broken friendships?
Betrayal
Jealousy
Loss of faith
Competition

Therefore
Just dig me
A hole
A deep deep hole
That I can jump into
And vanish
From existence
Entirely

No need to think
No need to worry
No need to decide
No need to go
Crazy
Dealing with
Me

If I can apply it in school,









Why can't I do it at home?

So you want to know
What's going on
Inside

I'll tell you

Kicking
Screaming
Tearing
Punching
Throwing
Lots of thinking
And imagination
Repeating
Over and over

About all kinds of stuff
Mostly reality
You
Them
Everyone
Family
Money
Time
Tasks
Priorities
Comm­itments
Promises
How not to break them

So much going
In so many directions
I feel like I'm being
Torn apart
Wanting to hide
In a hole
Somewhere
Nonexistent

Sure
It is pretty trivial
Compared to what
Everyone else
Is going through
Compared to you
Or you
Or you
Or you

But I'm not anyone
Else
I have my definitions
My standards
My Rights
To what I think

So stop comparing

Waiting

Watching

Dying

Rotting away

Inside


The worst part?


You can't run away
Nothing's happening
And everything's


**Fine

The way
These mixed
Thoughts and
Emotions
Uncertainty
And something else
Knots up my insides
And I feel like

Ripping

Them


Out

In the dark
In the cold
In the sheets
I scroll through
The pictures

Pictures of words
Pictures of quotes
Pictures of people
Pictures of drawings
Pictures of memories
Picture after picture after picture

I scroll
Faster and faster and faster
Each swipe getting more vicious
Than the last
Until you could hear the tap
Of fingernails
On glass

The strange gripping
Sensation
Intensifying
With each flying
Image
Angrier and angrier
Annoyed and irritated
Frustrated and confused

Then I come to a stop
At a quote
A short one
By Stephen King
Small white font
On a pale blue-green wall

"Monsters are real,
Ghosts are real.
They live inside of us,
And sometimes,
They win"

And I know
This one
Already
Has

Once you start
Digging that hole
To search
For reasons
For meanings
For another side
Lying deep underneath

Beware

You may get stuck
Walls too high to climb
Earth collapsing on you from above
A flood filling the hole to drown

You might as well have been
Digging your own
Grave

I thought I've already
Been taught that
Lesson

Apparently
I haven't learnt
Enough from it

To stop
Assuming
Wishing
For something

They say
That mirrors
Tell you the truth

Wrong

They can only tell you
What you can see

What's underneath
Remains
Unseen

How easy it would
Be, to turn your back on all
You've seen, heard, said, felt.


But it's just wrong

Everyone’s hiding
A dreadful past
A broken self
Behind a smile
Behind a wall

Everyone’s pretending
To be fine
To be happy
To be normal
And that they're not
Dying
Screaming
Begging
Inside

Everyone
Cries
Everyone
Goes insane
Everyone
Gets sad
Everyone
Has overloads
Everyone
Is in some way
Alone

Some
May just be wishful thinking

All these words
Sound so cliché
Ironically
When normal is pretty much
The exact opposite
It makes me wonder
What's the point
Of all this
And yet again
We just
Can't
Stop

No matter
What