Visiting my mother every now and then is a blur in my memory
It had come to the point where  I did not even know if I  wanted to come home
But I  knew I didn't want to stay either
Tears rolled down my cheek every day as I stared out the window to pray to something
I was not sure was even there, and I am still not quite sure if that higher being may exist
I asked myself what I did wrong, and what I could of done differently
Now that I am a lot older I realize none of it was my fault
But still the thought of it happening again haunts me everyday
It is like a subtle pain you can not take away

It is strange how a childhood trauma could overpower any other thing you could ever become
No matter what I do now, I will always have those memories
I guess one could say it has made me a better person
But  it has also made me awkward and scared
Certain familiar smells make me want to run and scream
And hide so no one can ever find me
No matter how strong I have become, I still feel fragile sometimes
The feeling of anger and resentment overcomes me like waves
Crashing on a shore during a terrible storm
And I just want to go home

*Unfinished

It was a snowy November evening
You looked the same as you did in high school
Funny how I saw you everyday back then
but we seemed to have lost touch
after graduation
For a few weeks we kept bumping into each other
I begin to think now it wasn't as random as it seemed
The biggest regret I have is never catching up, always breaking plans
Because apparently my life was just too busy to fit you in
I wish I could go back to that snowy November evening, driving
you in my car to get something you had forgotten
or maybe even go back to the afternoons on the
big yellow bus in junior high
You would always sit in the back and yell out obscenities
In so many small ways you taught me to get out of the
shell I was put in as a young girl
I have never realized that til now
but now I can not help but wonder how I am
still here but you are not
Every time I drive in a snow storm at night
I think of you
and I remember the conversations we had
I miss you so bad

my body shivers
as the cold rushes through
my veins
I lay here, flat on the floor
not knowing where I am
I am in between today and
tomorrow
my heart beats sounds of sorrow
I reach out to grab your hand
but within a glance
you're no longer there
my heart is bare, exposed
and the one I want
to see it
gone

I have lost all focus
so lost and confused
My body is here
but my mind has drifted off shore
It is sailing in the wrong direction
hoping to find a pristine destination
I hope I make it through these
waves and the stormy weather
cross the sea to a land where everything is
better
the waves are crashing all over me, I may sink
and drown
unless I can learn to overcome the wicked waters
of my mind...

I sit here on an empty bench
wondering whether if I should get up
or stay for a while
I decide the second, as I think about your smile

I hope for you to walk past,
and simply say hello
but as the next few short minutes
pass
so does no one

Should I go and find you?
or should I let you be
These questions not so easily answered
by the patient me

Every time I lose myself
I try to find you again

Maybe it is because you're  the one
who understands me

Maybe it is because I feel
so safe, so vulnerable
when I am beside you

Every time I lose you
I try to find myself again

I cannot find you or me
anywhere
anymore

No matter how close I want to get to you
I just won't let myself
The only thing I want to do while laying in this bed is run
Run as far away as possible
Until no one can find me
I will crawl deep into a hole somewhere, and stay for eternity
A huge part of me feels seperated, likeI can leave so easily
But my heart wants me to keep holding you
And to never let you go
But how is it ever possible to let you in?

I find reasons to make you want to leave and never come back
My biggest fear is that one day you will be gone forever
My second biggest fear is that you will stay here with me
I know what I want
But I can't be happy with just that
For some reason you see me in a different light than I see myself
And under this light you keep hold
Of something greater than my fears

I hope the light shines bright forever
Because with it I see us so clearly

Sitting by the salty sea
I feel you with me
I remember running in the sand aimlessly for hours
Not a care in the world
Never knowing what would happen next
If I had known I could not get those days back again
I would of breathed the salty air in deeper
Sat a little bit longer
I would of ran forever.

Slam my head against the floor
Tell me I'm stupid
I'm ugly
I'm nothing

I cover up the bruises on my skin
The best I can
And I cover up the bruises inside
Until I explode my tears into another bottle

How could someone who "loves" you
Hurt you so bad
And you blame it on yourself
Well, you made him mad!

You sit and you think
And you wonder why
But the why is not worth knowing
When you're dead

I run from the house
In the middle of the night
One more day in this cage
Is a thought I can't stand

And I can't tell anyone why
Because they will think that I am weak
So I will let them believe all of his lies
I'm a ****
I'm a *****
And that's all I will ever be

I swing up toward the sky
Loosely holding the chains
Are you up there, I wonder
Can you see me looking for you
Can you hear me calling your name
Can you catch me, as I fall
I swing higher, trying to reach the clouds
Persistent in my struggle
Yet always swinging back
No matter how hard I attempt
I can't reach you..

You left us on the
First day of spring
We held you for
The first
And last time
We never got to hear you cry
We will never get to watch your first steps
But you will always be our baby
Sweet Evelyn