You left us on the
First day of spring
We held you for
The first
And last time
We never got to hear you cry
We will never get to watch your first steps
But you will always be our baby
Sweet Evelyn

I swing up toward the sky
Loosely holding the chains
Are you up there, I wonder
Can you see me looking for you
Can you hear me calling your name
Can you catch me, as I fall
I swing higher, trying to reach the clouds
Persistent in my struggle
Yet always swinging back
No matter how hard I attempt
I can't reach you..

Slam my head against the floor
Tell me I'm stupid
I'm ugly
I'm nothing

I cover up the bruises on my skin
The best I can
And I cover up the bruises inside
Until I explode my tears into another bottle

How could someone who "loves" you
Hurt you so bad
And you blame it on yourself
Well, you made him mad!

You sit and you think
And you wonder why
But the why is not worth knowing
When you're dead

I run from the house
In the middle of the night
One more day in this cage
Is a thought I can't stand

And I can't tell anyone why
Because they will think that I am weak
So I will let them believe all of his lies
I'm a ****
I'm a *****
And that's all I will ever be

No matter how close I want to get to you
I just won't let myself
The only thing I want to do while laying in this bed is run
Run as far away as possible
Until no one can find me
I will crawl deep into a hole somewhere, and stay for eternity
A huge part of me feels seperated, likeI can leave so easily
But my heart wants me to keep holding you
And to never let you go
But how is it ever possible to let you in?

Sitting by the salty sea
I feel you with me
I remember running in the sand aimlessly for hours
Not a care in the world
Never knowing what would happen next
If I had known I could not get those days back again
I would of breathed the salty air in deeper
Sat a little bit longer
I would of ran forever.

I find reasons to make you want to leave and never come back
My biggest fear is that one day you will be gone forever
My second biggest fear is that you will stay here with me
I know what I want
But I can't be happy with just that
For some reason you see me in a different light than I see myself
And under this light you keep hold
Of something greater than my fears

I hope the light shines bright forever
Because with it I see us so clearly

Visiting my mother every now and then is a blur in my memory
It had come to the point where  I did not even know if I  wanted to come home
But I  knew I didn't want to stay either
Tears rolled down my cheek every day as I stared out the window to pray to something
I was not sure was even there, and I am still not quite sure if that higher being may exist
I asked myself what I did wrong, and what I could of done differently
Now that I am a lot older I realize none of it was my fault
But still the thought of it happening again haunts me everyday
It is like a subtle pain you can not take away

It is strange how a childhood trauma could overpower any other thing you could ever become
No matter what I do now, I will always have those memories
I guess one could say it has made me a better person
But  it has also made me awkward and scared
Certain familiar smells make me want to run and scream
And hide so no one can ever find me
No matter how strong I have become, I still feel fragile sometimes
The feeling of anger and resentment overcomes me like waves
Crashing on a shore during a terrible storm
And I just want to go home

*Unfinished