ive seen depression,
many times.
felt the knife,
watched my loves hold
it their hands.
told myself never to feel that way.
not supposed to see loves that way,
not supposed to see sweet boy that way.

felt depression.
felt the hurt in my hands.
truth:
not not want life,
just can't feel now.

being isn't helping.
it's an ache that ebbs and flows,
and now that you're gone,
it throbs and holds.

the good lord said to shy from the forbidden fruit,
but dear lord, i see no way.
i can only pray that you give me hope in the darkness,
that i may see the light,
my love for him is my only plight.
years beyond me and love beholds me,
he is a man who is not mine.
i shall not want what i cannot have,
but lord almighty he's buried my heart in the ground.

she smiled and said
"it's not the pain or the death that i'm afraid of:
it's what's left of this life."
she adjusts the watch on her left wrist to cover the scar.
"some moments lift us, and others crush us,
but what really counts are the ones in which
we feel everything and nothing at all."

mothers can be so wise.

all my loves are fictional,
those who do not exist
have captured my heart.

today i learned something
that i never wanted to know.
and now that i have,
i will never be the same.

if i were a word, i would be several (words that is).
i would first be callipygean, for its obscurity
and its meaning of rotund rumpage.
i would also be gymnophoria, although i would
pronounce said word with a silent g and sing
gymnophoric phrases to the world whilest
viewing the elderly through translucent lenses.

we stood with our faces inches from
the el screaming past.
lights from the tracks were flashing
and we held fast,
in this moment we realized that
the eyes of every person we'd
ever seen
meant something.
maybe not to us,
but to someone.
and that,
that is a powerful thing.

i was born into a generation immune to tragedy,
conditioned, we have been made, to calamity.
hearts hardened by television images,
minds numb at the sight of pained visages.
i was born into a generation wrought with fear,
for the end of the world is coming near.
whether by anthropogenic atmospheric grumblings,
or symbols of american freedom crumbling,
the earth is no longer our home.
a place where mind, body, and spirit
are subject to torment,
and every child's aspirations must lie dormant.
the world, as i know it, is an unwelcoming place,
no matter what your sexuality, age, gender, or race.
our forefathers have pillaged our once overflowing pockets
to fulfill empty goals on lofty campaign dockets.
what is left is ours to fix, though not by choice,
and nobody knows if "they" hear our voice.
i was born into a generation less than "Great",
yet it is only we who can determine our fate.

"everybody i should love, i hate. and everybody i hate..."
my dear, i dont love you.
my body is an empty cavity which contains nothing
but the sounds of isolation and inability.
black are my eyes, because i see the world in a hue of grey,
fitting for someone who has had every ounce of color
drained
by the lack of feeling in my hands.
its not your fault, my dear.
i was just born backwards.

be my friend.
i need it.
hold me close, and listen.
im not strong, im broken.
my heart's gone, i miss it.
help me.
they are coming, i know.
my mask is gone, and im broken.
just be my friend, and hold me.
my world's dark, and lonely.
i can love, i know it.
but nobody is here.
so be my friend, and love me.
hold my hand, and listen.
warm me up, im lonely.
im ok.

we both liked pterodactyls.
that much we knew for sure.
in between the what's your favorite band
and how long can you hold your breath
i fell in love with him.
we fit together like two puzzle pieces, he told me,
carefully crafted by somebody somewhere,
overlapping,
maintaining the symmetry we so beautifully created.
never have i seen another so clearly as when i looked in his eyes.
the paw prints tattooed on his back were from where an angel landed,
he said.
he asked to take a picture of my lips, he wanted to remember them.
every morning he wakes up and prays.
he loves god more than he loves man, and he believes in tibet and monks and the wu tang clan,
and a whole lot of other things i know nothing about.
he understands the world.
i only met him once,
but i havent stopped thinking about him since.

theres a train that rolls through town everyday at 3:34.
it comes through, minding its own business,
like it just dont wanna see or talk to anyone.
thats how mr. hudson is too.
he sits behind the grocery store chewing
sunflower seeds until they get all dried up
and they look like hay in his mouth.
atleast i thought they were sunflower seeds...maybe he is chewing hay?
either way, he's a lonely fella.
he might be older than my paps, and thats **** near a hundred.
he wears glasses, work boots, and the same pair a pants every single day.
nobody looks at him,
and i think its a 'cause he wants to be invisible.
i reckon he hates the world...rightly so if ya ask me.
the world aint nothin but a cold, cruel place for a man like mr. hudson.
he dont have no wife, no kids, no job, no home, or no friends to speak of.
growing up, my friends and i always wondered about mr. hudson.
day in and day out, we'd walk past him on the way to school,
tellin ghost stories bout how we knew he musta killed someone...
why else would he be so lonely and sad?
one day, i was walkin by myself near the train tracks.
i could feel it comin, vibrations were ticklin my bare feet on the soft grass.
must be 3:34.
the grocery store was on my left, and i 'spected to see mr. hudson sittin there per usual,
but he wasnt.
up ahead i seen somethin so odd, so unusual, i didnt know what to make of it.
mr. hudson was standin there on the tracks with his arms spread out like some sorta bird,
and that 3:34 train just about plowed right through him.
that was the last time anybody ever saw mr. hudson,
im the only one who knows what happened to him.
i let him go alone, just like he lived his life.
i aint never spoke to him before,
but i bet thats how he wanted it.

i woke up wanting to kiss you.
its been this way for the past three months.
i dont sleep, and when i do all i see are flashes of you-
flashes of us.
glimpses of steamy cab rides, intimate drunken walks home,
and lingering moments at your back door haunt me.
i am starting to smell like cigarettes,
i had to fill the void with something.
i hate people who smell like cigarettes.
my brother and my sister won't speak to me,
but i dont blame them.
i found out the hard way that there was a limit to your love,
but youre my blood, youre my holy wine.
you tasted bitter and sweet at the same time.
sing me to sleep, i'm tired and i want to go to bed.

it's not gonna go right,
so soak it in.
i need this for one night,
and it's cold in here.
the warmth of your eyes
they're breaking me in.
all i've got is just one night,
now the dawn's coming in.
too bright, like heaven
it's bleeding into our bed
and i'm drifting away.
are you in heaven lover?
i need you, i know.
have you melted yet lover?
into my soul.
you're sweet like no other,
these feelings unknown.
days and days under the covers
feed our burning souls.
the dawn has bled into this bed,
and i'm drifting....i've got to go.
swept away, these waves of yours.
neither of us remain, we aren't sure.
i know you want this, more and more.
so let me leave now, i'm out the door.

and i will give him what's mine,


in his eyes there is a cure
to all the troubles in this world.
we walk humbly every night
seeing no one in our path.
with an effort to feel
the pairs of eyes staring at our backs.
there's a body burning underneath our
skin, any feeling of order is fading away.

on the outside, nobody'd ever known he was unhappy.
he had his mother's eyes, soft and blue,
reminded me of babies for some reason.
he used to pop in every now and then to give me the news,
gossip he'd heard at school that day,
the what-not.
i was real sick at the time, mama had to keep me hidden away sometimes,
ya know, i think she was a little ashamed seeing how it was a little her fault.
i didn't blame her for nothin' though.
anyways, he came and went as he pleased, nice boy he was.
used to wrap me up in a blanket and wheel me onto the porch so we could watch
the cars and the rich folk with dogs jog right on by, like they ain't never seen a girl with no hair
and a boy as handsome as he was.
we was a regular spectacle, a bonafide freak show,
and them people they always gonna talk, but he told me that the only people that listen are
the ones doin' the talkin', and that ain't us, so we ain't listenin'.
i didn't find out about his daddy until about a month after it happened,
for some reason people have a hard time telling someone who's dying that somebody died,
can you believe that?
he stopped comin' around so much after that, figured it was 'cause a his mama (with the eyes)
needin' extra help round the house.
weeks, maybe even a month went by 'fore i saw him again,
but he wasn't the same boy, and i sure as hell wasn't the same girl.
he looked at me, with them eyes, as if he'd just lost the lottery.
ya know, he sat me down and told me that he couldn't be around me no more,
seeing as how i was dyin' and all. ( i thought that was pretty dumb, i may be dyin' but i ain't dead yet)
he held my hand in his, his was a little clammy, i think 'cause he was so sad and all.
we sat there for a few minutes, hand in hand, thinkin' bout life and death, and the johnny carson show.
now, he never said nothin', but i think he loved me. i never got to find out the truth though.
he disappeared after that day, nobody heard from him, his mama was all outta sorts.
i think he left town, couldn't stand seein' people lookin' at him and me all the time,
the bonafide freakshow,
couldn't stand bein' round his broken mama.
doesn't really matter where he went off to, he was gone just the same.
some days, when im sittin' on the porch, wrapped up in a blanket, waiting to die,
i feel his clammy hand holdin' mine.
you see, when you don't have much left to live for,
it's people like him that save you.

i hear my father's cries through the walls that once protected me,
and it's the darkest side of my heart that dies when he looks at me.
it's the coldest hour in the eyes of a man who can't believe,
that the softest sigh of his wife has left him on his knees.
he said ''if you leave me i'll die'', and she walked away,
and the tide of life recedes but for one more day.
"when i die, when i die"
fly, fly goes the air through my mothers lungs,
while my father lies on the ground
left to die like a dog in an empty pound.
and i sit alone behind these walls of mine,
listening to my father's dream die tonight.
and it's the darkest side of my eyes that cry
when he calls my name.
with a subtle tone of shame,
and an obvious sound of pain,
when he calls my name.
it's not the violence, crimes, or emptiness
that saddens me,
like the sound of a voice that's lost the fight for eternity.
and i imagine dying on my bedroom floor,
would she come back just once more,
and cradle me in her loving arms?
it was the darkest time in my life,
when my mother left me.
i still hear my father's cries through the lies that
surround me,
much like the walls that once protected me.
but if you find me, face down, muddy in the water
"when i die, when i die"
then i've lost the fight.
and i turned out just like my father.

Jesus came to my birthday party when i was 17.
He listened and laughed and smirked a bit
at the holes and scars in my dreams.
He wore a black hat, and jeans, and chains;
he said heaven was not what it seemed.
That angels and devils were one and the same,
and them plus me makes three.
He said nobody knows what's really the matter,
so just keep on pretending to be
what God and teachers and mothers and fathers
all expect from a girl of 17.

That was a long time ago,
and i haven't seen him in a while.
He smokes on occassion, but not for fun,
and says he was innocent and should have had a trial.
But he's dead and so am i so what's even the use,
of remembering a birthday that never existed:
i'll plead insanity as my excuse.

she says it's unfair,
she says that bad things happen to good people,
she says that as each day passes
she dies a little more inside.
she doesn't remember telling me these things,
ya know she wouldn't never tell nobody
if it wasn't for the drink in her hand.
i know i'm not supposed to hear these things,
but i quietly listen.
i don't have no words for her,
on the count of i ain't never experienced nothing like that.
i have a feeling she wouldn't want my words anyhow.

she says that people are always tryin' to tell her
that she gonna be okay.
she knows she's not.
it's unfair that they all gon' lie to her like that.
she don't want my sympathy she says,
but lord i can't help but feel it for her.

there's things in life that just don't make sense,
i say.
but i don't know much about anything,
so i just make eyes like someone who knows
a lot about everything,
but i don't say much else.

she looked at me,
took a swig a her whiskey sour,
and told me that when i can look at the world
through eyes that see
and not watch
then maybe someday she'll tell me a thing or two
about life not makin' sense.

we were peeing on the side of my house,
too drunk to wait for a bathroom,
laughing about something I cant remember.
(I think it was goat cheese)
and as the headlights from that **** car nearly blinded us,
you surprised me.
you held me close.
you told me you weren’t ready to lose me,
and that you loved me...not friend love, real love.
(you were slurring your words at this point,
but since i have been waiting a year to hear this,
i’ll take it)
and as tears thick with salt, relief, and regret
rolled down my cheeks,
you kissed me.


then the car honked,
and you ran toward it,
tripped,
and threw up.

god, i love you.

there’s this girl I used to know,
an old friend of mine,
she used to wear her hair in yellow ribbons
and watch the world through eyes so blue they made the ocean look faded.
she told me stories filled with “happily ever afters” and “prince charmings”,
and she believed in the power of God and she told me good always beats evil.
her long brown hair draped over her narrow shoulders like a cape,
and to me she was just as super as any hero ever could be.
she always said that there was a reason we were all here, and that
she was gonna find her reason and God was gonna give her his light.
I believed every word she ever said.
her daddy died when we was twelve years old, and I remember sittin’
with her and crying on her stoop, watchin’ the death limo take her daddy
away like he was a package that needed to be taken to heaven.
she stopped wearing those yellow ribbons after that, and she stopped tellin’ her
stories to me…that made me sad ‘cause nobody at my house ever told me stories.
her eyes stopped lookin’ at mine, and i just about forgot what color they were after a while.
she said that God wasn’t real no more, and that there was no reason to take her daddy like that.
I couldn’t think of a reason either.
her hair stopped lookin like a cape, on the count of she cut it all off one day when
she was real sad.
she told me that she didn’t wanna live no more, and that she wanted to be with her daddy…..wherever he was.
she kept on livin’, but instead of her momma tuckin’ her in at night, Jack Daniels did.
she told me he made the pain go away, but I didn’t understand who he was and how he did it.
we were both too young to understand any of it, but I’ll never forget the day when her light finally came.
when we was fifteen I found her bleedin’ all over her bathroom, her pretty blue eyes rolled back, her hair messy and matted, and a pair a scissors in her hand.  
through all the blood, through all my tears, I saw her in a way I ain’t seen in years.
she looked so beautiful, the way I remembered her before her daddy got taken.
she looked at peace, like she couldn’t wait to get all wrapped up like a present and sent to heaven.
she was with her daddy, and hell, even though nobody else thinks it’s right, I believe that was God’s reason for her.

I’m the first to die
As the story goes.
My body’s wrapped in clay
Stranded empty pain
And it lasts, you know.
I got out the shame
And you know it’s all the same.
With your holy hands
That are shakin’, shakin’.
And you know it’s all the same.
Come with me, step away from here,
And you’re runnin’, runnin’.
But now you start to sleep,
Don’t remember how to feel,
You just settle, settle.
Strangers gather round,
And the passage is read,
I can touch you again.

Blacked out,
I found you downtown,
Passed out on the ground.
You lost track of yourself,
I cried like a child.
Seeing you fall,
It was agony no one should know.
Cause you’re my desire,
My only.
Please come home with me,
We can be happy.
You’re not really like this,
You probably know this.
I can’t see you like this.
I’m crippled inside.
From the agony I've come to know.
You’re mine, yes.
I am beside you.
Did you even think about
how far you've come?
You’ve done it now.
Would you really rush out?
You’ve fallen out.
Torn down, I am.
Down to my bare bones.
The end of the line has come.
The moon leaves a cold light,
As you fall to the floor,
Half awake—half unsure.
For the irony I’d rather not say.
Cause you’re mine,
I will lie beside you.
Never will I hide you,
I’ll be right beside you.
I am blind.

This my declaration to you,
As the days drag on.
All the things that happen
From this point on--
This is hard for me,
I am paralyzed.
I’ll keep holding on to you,
For the rest of time.
I search to find a way to put it,
In your arms I am fine.
And you rock me well.
On your back, there rests
All the stacks you move.
On your back, there rests
All the tracks you drove.
On your back, they rest
And they weigh you down.
I will fix you in the morn.
I waited to replace the
Statue in the backyard--
It’s rusted now.
All my love was there.
See that flower blooming,
Under that tree?
With its vines weaving across
It holds the key to me.
Even though it’s small,
Whatever I can give,
It is all right here,
And it has brought me to this love.
On my back, there rests
The weight of your love.
On my back, there rests
All the ways you move.
This is not the only way to say,
Just how much you’ve meant.
It’s just a hazy realization.
There’s part of me you're rocking,
Lifting me away.
And the other part is sinking,
Deep into your back.

Turn off the lamp,
Switch off the fan.
Quiet these voices
Inside my head.
Don’t you lay here with me,
Don’t you tell me your lies.
Just let me sleep,
Alone tonight.
Don’t sympathize with me.
Because you can’t make me love you
If I don’t.
I can't force my heart to feel
Something it won’t.
It is dark in this room,
I can hear your words.
You make your case to me,
In this final hour.
But I don’t, no I don’t.
Because you can’t make me love you
If I don’t.
I’ll try to sleep,
Your face I don’t see.
It’s your body I fear,
When you’re close to me.
Sunrise will come,
And you’ll hold me tight.
Just give me some time,
To distinguish wrong from right.
And you can’t make me love you,
If I don’t.
Don’t you make my heart change
What it’s already been told.
In this dark room,
Your lasting words,
Begging for mercy
In this final hour.
But I don’t, no I don’t.
You can’t make me love you if I don’t.

Well I met you at the drugstore
You were staring between the shelves
Wondering if any of the pills
Matched any of the pain you felt in your heart.
You said hey here’s a few quarters,
I found them on the ground,
Don’t you worry about repaying me,
I don’t need them anyhow.
And I said I’ll use them well.
That secret that you hold,
You don’t want to let go.
It tears you apart,
And darkens your soul.
But you know that you need to
Keep it locked, tucked away.
Then the rain started pouring,
We were stranded in the store.
I was holding both my bags,
Searching for ways into your arms.
You said I could stand here forever,
Being here with you like this.
There was a strong gust of wind,
And we started to kiss.
And I said I’ll use them well.
There's a quiet that we know,
We don’t want to let go.
I’m in love with your body,
I’m in love with your smell.
What’s that there on the ground girl,
Is it more than just loose change?
And I said I’ll use them well.

do not cry my friend, let me tell you this:
let us remember the times we fought back tears
in order to keep each other strong.
let us smile as we seek to find sincerity
in a world that has led others astray.
let us know that maybe, just maybe,
we aren't as ****** up as we seem,
and that someday, hopefully someday,
we can amount to something, anything.

we are the soldiers,
carrying the loads that we have bestowed upon each other,
for we cannot bear the weight alone.
we are the fighters,
attacking anyone who threatens the lives we have built.
we are the martyrs,
dying for each other,
dying for love.
like concrete,
we compact,
hardening our hearts to those who will never understand.

this is the life we have chosen,
the path we walk,
the friends we have.
we are bonded by love,
and love alone.
it has been enough,
it will always be enough.

I saw you,
From a few miles away.
A speck on the horizon,
Unmoving and unchanged,
from the storm that you and
I weathered together.
Balanced by the notion that things happen,
People change,
and most of all-
We are not who we were.

I saw you,
From a few blocks away.
Larger now,
But no less handsome.
Your once broad shoulders,
hang with the weight of
a year's emotions.
I still believe in
Who we could be.

I can see you now,
From a few yards away.
The chiseled, stoic face I remember
is sullen and
Your eyes tell me more than
I could ever wish to know.
If only I knew,
who you would become.

I can touch you now,
We are inches from each other.
You cringe as I brush your cheek
with my hand.
I can feel your pain,
your face burns like a hot pan.
I stare into your eyes,
but you are not there.
This was you, not me-
I didn't want this.
I don't even know who you are anymore.

I swear, I just love peaches.
I love the way they feel in my hand,
tender and furry.
I ate one today, ya know.
I just let the juices dribble down
my chin and into the creases of my neck
so that I got all sticky
but I didn't even wipe it off.
Them sticky juices
reminded me of this one time,
Remember?
That one time when me and you
were little and we were sitting
on the curb eatin' peaches and
laughing at the ants crawlin' between our toes.
Yesterday, I had an ant crawl on my toe.
But I just killed it.

God love her.

We are sitting here
under the blanket
quietly aware that
our legs and arms
are touching.
I catch you steal
a look at me and smile.
I try my hardest not to move,
God knows that'd ruin the moment.
For what feels like an eternity,
we are here,
barely touching,
and my heart is beating through my chest.
My hand twitches
and I swear to God
I might explode.
But you pay no mind
and we continue
to be still.
We are silent, frozen
in this moment.
I feel so close to you,
I never want to move again.

Love is a useless
and overused term.
It no longer carries the same weight
it used to.
Everybody loves everything.

I do not love you.

I want you more than
I want to wake up
tomorrow.

I need you more than
I need air to breathe,
or water to drink,
or anything for that matter.

I long for you
like
well god, I don't know.

I dream of you and I,
our bodies combine,
they were made for each other.

This ain't love,
it is more than that.

Hello there,
I'd like to take
this time to kindly
express to you some of
my true feelings about you:
You ****, in general.
I find you repulsive,
immature, and annoying.
Your actions speak
volumes to your character,
and if I could even begin to
interpret just exactly
what your character is
I'd have to say that you are a
lying, deceitful, *****.
I hate your stinking guts,
you make me sick.
You have an alcohol problem
that you should probably look
into as well. I truly sympathize
with anyone who comes within
three feet of you,
and if I made all the rules
I would have you caged.
I hate you, **** a fat one.

Love,
Me.

The ultimate act of
selfishness is to realize
you have something great
and choose not to enjoy
him.

I'm sorry

The rain falls
rhythmically on the
nape of my neck.

I promise, it'll be different

My body quakes with
chills, I convulse
at your words.

Please

I can see a steady
stream of water pouring
over my eyes.

I still love you*

My blood runs cold,
I lose all feeling in
my hands and feet.
My heart skips a beat,
not out of love, but from
lack of warmth.
You're an illusion,
a figment of someone else's
imagination.

I am cold and wet.
I'm going home.

Inadequacy.
I find it when I look in the mirror.
It constantly slaps me in the face
As the boy I love chooses someone else.
It sits in my stomach like a rock that
won't digest.
I see it in the women I admire.
I notice it when a friend can't even
look at me.
I swallow it when others ask why.
They don't understand.
I'm not built like anyone else.
I am inadequate.
Is there anyone else?

You forget about me.
I know you do, it's okay.
There is nothing special
about me that would
set me apart.
I'm here though,
and always will be.
I will wait for you
until my hair grows
gray, and you can
no longer distinguish me
from anyone else.
Maybe then you will remember.
Maybe then you will notice the
way I have always looked at
you, like I am seeing you for
the first time
Maybe then you will see me for
who I really am, instead of
who you thought I was.
Maybe then you will open your
heart and take me in, like I have
been praying you would.
And as I stand here on
the side waiting for you,
missing out on what
could have been, my
heart slowly crumbles.
I know you are in
a different place, one
I can never go, and
I know you would
never want me to.
So I will continue
to wait, and hope, and
wish that something
will change.
Because I love you,
and that is all I can
do.

It takes sunlight
8 minutes to reach
the earth
every morning at sunrise.
In that time I will have woken up
and realized I was alone.
Remembered the way you
looked at me when I left
you yesterday.
Smiled at the thought of
you telling me you loved
me.
Wondered how you always
smell like God himself.
Tensed at the revelation
that you will never love
me as much as I love you.
Panicked at the thought
of losing you.
Eased reading your texts
from last night.
Regained hope that maybe
you'd see something
different in me.
Settled for the fact that
we are only friends.
Thanked God I have you
in my life.
Debated calling you
and telling you I love you.
Decided to go back to sleep.

My morning routine.

I dont love you
like everyone tells
me I should.

I love you how I want.

I love you like I
love caramel corn and
chocolate milk.
I love you as if
you were mine,
and mine only.
I love you like
I love silence and
Wes Anderson movies.

I love you how I want.

I love you until it
hurts so much I
have to gasp for air.
I love you until
my lips turn blue.

I love you like
Margot loves Richie,
minus the cigarettes
plus the suicide.
I love you in the beginning,
middle,
and end.

I love you how I want.

I love you because I can,
I love you because I do.
I love you because everyone
else says I shouldn't.

I just love you.

I love you with a purity
and ease of mind.
I love you always,
I really do.
It doesn't matter what they say,
I love you how I want.

I woke up this morning,
rolled over,
And you weren't there.

I long for your scent,
it fills me and satisfies
my senses in ways
unimaginable.

The weight of your hand
in mine balances and calms
my restless body.

Looking into your eyes
I see myself.
You are me and I am you.
Two parts of a whole,
in math terms we are
equal.

To be without you
And to know I always
will be is equivalent
to an insatiable thirst,
a constant hunger,
a feeling of dread.

To say that I need you
is to say the grass is green
and the sky is blue.
Without your physical presence
I am weak.

I woke up this morning alone.