I'm sorry

The rain falls
rhythmically on the
nape of my neck.

I promise, it'll be different

My body quakes with
chills, I convulse
at your words.

Please

I can see a steady
stream of water pouring
over my eyes.

I still love you*

My blood runs cold,
I lose all feeling in
my hands and feet.
My heart skips a beat,
not out of love, but from
lack of warmth.
You're an illusion,
a figment of someone else's
imagination.

I am cold and wet.
I'm going home.

Inadequacy.
I find it when I look in the mirror.
It constantly slaps me in the face
As the boy I love chooses someone else.
It sits in my stomach like a rock that
won't digest.
I see it in the women I admire.
I notice it when a friend can't even
look at me.
I swallow it when others ask why.
They don't understand.
I'm not built like anyone else.
I am inadequate.
Is there anyone else?

You forget about me.
I know you do, it's okay.
There is nothing special
about me that would
set me apart.
I'm here though,
and always will be.
I will wait for you
until my hair grows
gray, and you can
no longer distinguish me
from anyone else.
Maybe then you will remember.
Maybe then you will notice the
way I have always looked at
you, like I am seeing you for
the first time
Maybe then you will see me for
who I really am, instead of
who you thought I was.
Maybe then you will open your
heart and take me in, like I have
been praying you would.
And as I stand here on
the side waiting for you,
missing out on what
could have been, my
heart slowly crumbles.
I know you are in
a different place, one
I can never go, and
I know you would
never want me to.
So I will continue
to wait, and hope, and
wish that something
will change.
Because I love you,
and that is all I can
do.

It takes sunlight
8 minutes to reach
the earth
every morning at sunrise.
In that time I will have woken up
and realized I was alone.
Remembered the way you
looked at me when I left
you yesterday.
Smiled at the thought of
you telling me you loved
me.
Wondered how you always
smell like God himself.
Tensed at the revelation
that you will never love
me as much as I love you.
Panicked at the thought
of losing you.
Eased reading your texts
from last night.
Regained hope that maybe
you'd see something
different in me.
Settled for the fact that
we are only friends.
Thanked God I have you
in my life.
Debated calling you
and telling you I love you.
Decided to go back to sleep.

My morning routine.

I dont love you
like everyone tells
me I should.

I love you how I want.

I love you like I
love caramel corn and
chocolate milk.
I love you as if
you were mine,
and mine only.
I love you like
I love silence and
Wes Anderson movies.

I love you how I want.

I love you until it
hurts so much I
have to gasp for air.
I love you until
my lips turn blue.

I love you like
Margot loves Richie,
minus the cigarettes
plus the suicide.
I love you in the beginning,
middle,
and end.

I love you how I want.

I love you because I can,
I love you because I do.
I love you because everyone
else says I shouldn't.

I just love you.

I love you with a purity
and ease of mind.
I love you always,
I really do.
It doesn't matter what they say,
I love you how I want.

I woke up this morning,
rolled over,
And you weren't there.

I long for your scent,
it fills me and satisfies
my senses in ways
unimaginable.

The weight of your hand
in mine balances and calms
my restless body.

Looking into your eyes
I see myself.
You are me and I am you.
Two parts of a whole,
in math terms we are
equal.

To be without you
And to know I always
will be is equivalent
to an insatiable thirst,
a constant hunger,
a feeling of dread.

To say that I need you
is to say the grass is green
and the sky is blue.
Without your physical presence
I am weak.

I woke up this morning alone.