i.
A ventriloquist
When we were one
Putting words in my mouth
I didn’t mind

ii.
A mad ventriloquist
When we were some
Somedays, What Ifs and Maybes

Camo clad ventriloquist
A kid with a gun
We shared a sugar sack baby

iii.
Tired, sad ventriloquist
Even when we had fun
You spoke of days long after

Such a bad ventriloquist
When we were almost done
Mismatched lips, silence, and forced laughter

He doesn’t deserve all the power he has
Yet he remains my
Puppetmaster

Oh how I have longed
To lose my baby fat
I did not realise
My face was so angular underneath

i.
Ladies and Gentlemen
Could you please form a wide aisle
For our performers
As they pass by you
Admire these freaks of nature
Only here today

ii.
Bound to each other
For their own safety of course
They will not harm you
They have been trained well
Jumping through rings for your sick
Need to feel power
We keep them well fed
A diet of hatefulness
Discrimination

iii.
Can you believe it?
These freaks are barely human
Yet they think like that
We give it to them
What they want. A tiny taste
Of equality
Keep them satisfied
Shut them up for a short time
Filthy, greedy freaks

iv.
One step in the right direction does not a marathon make, my dear.

My own apathy terrifies me.

How much do I care?
Not enough.
How much do I care?
Not enough.
How much do I care?
Not enough.


And the worst part is
That measurement isn't borrowed
It comes from my own jug but when I wasn't looking
Someone poured out all the motivation and compassion.

I had a dream my mother was dying
I woke up with overflowing eyes
Not because I was sad
But because in the dream I didn't care and I knew I was supposed to.

I broke my brother's arm by launching him into the air and
Forgetting that he had only his own
Fragile body to land on top of no that's a lie
I didn't forget but I though he broke his neck
And when the siren started blaring
I knew that wasn't it and
I didn't feel so sad anymore.

Don't get the wrong idea
I'm not a completely cold-hearted *****.

This I know because I cry watching Anastasia
Every
*******
Time
I donate to charity
And don't let them give me the sticker to prove it
I love small children and animals! That's a lie
I've had to clean up ***** from both of those groups.

And I've never made myself throw up but sometimes
I forget to eat that's a lie
I just can't be bothered
Am I lethargic because that's typical of a teenager
Or am I
Only classed as typical teenager because I'm lethargic?

I lie on my bed as still as a corpse
And never once
Think about death because
Why does it matter?

That's the only question
He doesn't have an answer to
Because I swear
This boy is the second coming of
Socrates
He makes me think of
Shakespeare
And knowing i'm going to see him the next day is like waiting for
Santa Claus.

My own empathy terrifies me.

How much do I care?
Too much.
How much do I care?
Too much.
How much do I care?
Too much.


And the worst part is
The possibility
That he might care about me too.

You caressed
my *******
sneakily slipping fingers beneath
my sternum
to stroke the thumping valves
of my most important *****

Suddenly
your grip tightened
heart
ripped
through my ribs
to stick in your pocket
hanging halfway out
like some sort of sick
*******
keychain

Arteries attach us to each other ever since

Skin cracks
White rivers
A delta on the tip of my tongue
Let the words flow
I expand
I grow
In every direction
Until impossibility pulls me back
I have long ago learned
That pushing the limits means pains
This is not my concern
All I worry about now is
Truth and growth and flow

//I taste you behind my teeth
//Coming home to closed curtains, occasionally
//Nailed to the ground/your feet
//Forgiveness, easy. Forgetting, not so much.
//Barely breathing/Lace around my neck
//Confiscated ballpoint pen/Knife-sharp wit okay
//Take a seat on the stars
//All I can promise is inconsistency
//Instantaneous regret is an awful emotion
**//In control, just not of myself

"I feel like I haven't done my best with you and I"
Unsure if this was
Confession or
Apology or
Promise
I agreed anyway

"Like sexually, I feel like I haven't put in my all"
I never knew
Submissive
Until a skinny boy with burns all down his chest
Put his hands
Around my throat

"I just think it can't happen just because an opportunity opens"
Doesn't he know I don't pass up chances
Time is a ticking bomb
Plus who knows
How long
We will both want to do this

"Better luck next time"
Ignite me again

Peel the skin off my fingers
use your sharpest knife
They will still reach out
to caress your neck
to
check for your pulse

You didn’t tie your heart on tightly enough

But still manged to cut off my circulation

heads between legs
head
severed
hanging

on by your fingertips
teeth
nails
scratching

the sides of your soul
nerves
noise
it's raining

wind howls round the house
cold
skin
I'm shaking

your ribs
rattling the cages

escape
you're a runaway

here is the safest

i.
Good intentions are
Not the same as having none
In your mind at all

ii.
I think you are mean
Your self-importance irks me
I melt at your touch

iii.
I wish you success
On whatever path you take
Egotistic ****.

The world is melting
The delicate curve of her spine
Death by abundance
Her arms outspread
What we need most to live will be our demise
The longing in her eyes turns to fear
Rising higher each turn of the tides
A last reach to escape

She falls
We float

The earth as we know it is gone

Romance is dead.
Art was born yesterday.
Passion will always live.

Clichés exist for a reason.
Do not forget.
Forgive.

Our ******* in black bags
Smelling of coffee
Recycling bin filled with more liquor bottles than anyone else on the street
Today I realised
How long
We have taken pride in trash

She would not die in paradise
She would not die in hell
I’ve lived a mediocre life
She realised as she fell

Don't say I am confusing
Don't make your indecision my fault

You are a boy
Chest hair does not make you a man
And I have gardens growing
In the palms of my hands
You know

It takes time to grow

I am slow
I am stone

You hammered me
Expecting me to shatter
But smart girls carve themselves
Out of diamonds
Garnets
Rubies

Stop pretending as if you've broken something
You barely scratched the surface
Simply clouded it with your breath
(It was probably time for a polish anyway
Thanks for the reminder)

Tomorrow I will shine
I am stone
You will not erode me

Nose, fingers, ears
Cold to the touch
Shivers through my shoulders
Do not ask if I'm okay.

Do not assess the fullness of my schedule
Do not keep the news from me
Because I'm "too busy"
You are a coward and
I am empowered
Your judgement is wrecked
If you truly think you have that affect
Stop trying to make your weakness look like mine
I am stone

Stop apologising
Thinking I'll be empty now
All that's empty
Is your words
I'm solid the whole way through
Your weak little lungs could not
******* down
You wish you were the Big Bad Wolf
The previous was a stick figure
And the one before
Had hair like hay
I am brick
I am stone
So huff and puff away

I cannot count
The number of times
I have been served up the
You Are Special
with a side of
Not Like Other Girls

It has always been from former lovers.

stuck
in my halfway head
in my almost room
in my nearly there house
one day soon
this day
will come soon
time stops for no one
but the sun

Skim reading
Your skin
Reading
My lips

In this house
I am suffocated
Could not have been more glad
For you to take away what little air
Was left in my lungs

Clamp me down
With the lightest brush of your lips
You retract
I remain pinned in place.

The bathwater drains
And with it
My spirit
I remain
At ease
In an empty vessel

Have I changed you darling?
Does the world look different now that I’m around?
Have I explained to you darling,
The way you move your lips and never make a sound?
Have I deranged you darling?
Does being without me now make your head pound?
Do I remain to you darling,
The missing piece you’re so lucky to have found?
What am I now?

Because love is so daunting
You find a love so haunting
You can only take it for tomorrow

Life is tranquil here
Because everyone else
Is so loud
I can no longer hear myself think

Brushed my teeth so hard
they bled
Just trying to get the taste
of your words out of my
mouth