There's a girl
somewhere
and she's happy
she looks to her boyfriend when things get tough
but he can't really assist
she's happy
she's so happy
but everyone's skeptical of her

There's a girl
far away
and she's content
she spends time with her girlfriend
despite the backlash she gets to be seen with her
she's content
she's very content
but she can't understand why everyone hates her so much

There's a girl
over there
and she's alright
her boyfriend yells at her sometimes
about her ex's
she's alright
she's perfectly alright
but she can't understand why everyone's so upset with her

There's a girl
someplace
and she's upset
she looks to her boyfriend for help
and he tries so hard but
she's upset
she's thoroughly upset
and she wishes everyone would stop making fun of her

There's a girl
in the ground
and she's dead
she killed herself one night
because of everyone else
she's dead
she's properly dead
and no can understand why she did it

I can't tell you I love you.
I'm too scared.
I'm too scarred.

I've been ruined.
I've been beaten and thrown around--
All in my own mind--
Because of three ******* words.
"I love you".
I poured my entire being into loving someone
Who never gave it back.
It took years for me to do that
Years where everyday was spent giving a little more to him.
And when I finally realized what has happening to me--
--How hopelessly devoted I was,
How I was blind and foolish to believe
He would ever truly commit--
It was too late.
He was a drug I couldn't escape from.
I loved every minute of it,
And he was leaching the healthiness from me.
And I had withdrawals.
I had moments where,
After I had sworn to never go back,
I went back.
And he welcomed me with open arms.
And I saw the thorns.
And I went and dug myself into them
Graciously welcoming their poison into my mind.

Three months.
That's how long it was
Between when I decided to give him up
And when I started dating you.
Three months
To try to adjust to
Healthy.
Five months,
In total,
Counting the months we've been together.
Five months
To adjust back to loving a healthy relationship.
It hasn't totally worked yet.
I'm still broken.
I'm still horribly familiar with loving someone who didn't quite love me back
All the time.
I'm still used to not feeling fully happy,
So when I don't feel broken,
I think something's wrong.

There are no words to explain
How I'm feeling about all this.
I say the same words over and over again to you
But they never seem to work.
So I hope this poem is our chance
To finally understand
Where I stand
Emotionally-wise,
In regards to us.
I love you,
Baby,
Darling,
Love,
Honey,
Sweetie,
Joe,
but it's really ******* hard for me to say it.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
Questioning my sanity,
If you will.
You don't realize what you've done,
Do you?
You don't see what you've done.

Remember the time
You told me about when you were almost struck by lightning.
And then,
The results.
Your superpowers,
As you called them.
You'll never know how thankful I was for those
As the years went by.

You told me about the ghosts.
The little girl and boy
Who came to you for help.
She died in a barn,
That used to be in your backyard I think,
And needed your help.
She was your favourite, I could tell;
You talked about her a lot.
She slept in your bed sometimes, you told me.
But you couldn't communicate with her,
So you couldn't help her.
And that was that.

I told you about my ghosts.
My grandparents I've talked to,
And whatever evil is living in the guest room.
How my cats slink around my house
Like they're still alive.
Like the sounds I hear for no reason
And no explanation.

You envied me for that.
That I could hear them.
Because all you could do was see.

We were the only ones who believed each other.
Even when we hated each other,
And that was a long span of time,
We could still bond over this.
When no one else listened,
We did.
We were the only ones who understood.

I guess it's obvious enough that the phrase
"I see dead people"
Was tossed around a lot between us.
Because we could
And we knew it
And it scared us
And we loved it.

Until you stopped loving it.
And you claimed insanity.
You told me it was all in your head,
That you'd made it up
Because you're crazy.

So,
That's why  I've been calling myself crazy lately.
Because the only thing I trusted to understand me
Is telling me he's insane.
Who's to say I'm not the same?

i'm scared of love.

I forgot a fork
So I'm eating my salad with a spoon.
I didn't feel like sitting in the cafeteria,
Where it's too loud and busy,
So I went home,
Where I'd rather hear a muffled trombone lesson
Than my best friends's stories.

(I'm in one of those tired-sad moods
Where my whole body feels fatigued
And my face feels sad
And I shuffle around;
No motivation.)
So,
I went where I am.

I wish I could spend all day in home
--the band room--
The place I go to hide.
I have to remind myself
It's just a classroom
That I'll probably
Never
Set foot in after I graduate.

But, those are thoughts for
A later date
When I can remember
A fork.

if you ever happen
to be in the area,
look for the boys with the drums.
and ask him if he remembers
the girl with the violin.
and ask him
(if he remembers),
if he remembers
anything particular
about her.
and watch his face scrunch up
as he can't remember why there would be anything special
about her.

then
look for the girl with the violin
and ask if she remembers the boy with the drums.
and watch her face grow pale
as she remembers the boy with the drums.

The quiet shuffle of
Those two people in the hall.
The sound of the chalk pieces falling
As my teacher grinds it
Into the board.
The shouting of the man teaching next door.
The ruffling of papers when my teacher tells us to take one out.
The jangling of keys out in the hall.
The clicking of calculator keys
(Even though I'm in Chemistry).
The squeaking of various doors.
The three people who all just cleared their throats
At the same time.
The unevenness of the bell tones
(One's a concert A).
The flower resting in it's
Bunsen burner vase.

I love being an
Introvert
And noticing.