Why does this happen?
I hate it.

How I can go outside and see my friends,
Laugh and talk like a human being,
And then when I get home,
I am a cornered animal that feels starved for something she can't even hope to get.

My friends don't know.
They don't know how when I come home,
Loneliness hits me like a ton of bricks,
And I sink into it like quicksand,
And I suffocate until I find my blade and distract myself.

I write the truth out on my legs in ink,
Each adjective true.
Fat
Loveless
Lost
Fearful
Broken
Lonely

And more.

I wrap my arm in toilet paper and tape it so it stays through the night.
It will keep my shirt from staining and showing what I've become.

I hate being alone. But it's what I deserve.

My body shakes from adrenaline
Trying to rid the memories but
Reliving each moment in 3D
Crying and screaming in horror inside.

I don't even want to remember
I don't want to write it down
But it's the only way to get it out
To bring this Nightmare to light

The first thing I saw in my dream
Was my pale pink walls stained with blood
Splattered up to the ceiling beside by bed
Someone had been murdered there

I ran away in fright from this hell
This hell of a lucid dream
I ran the hell out of my house
And ran into a worse hell than my room

Public showers at a public pool
One showerhead a flamethrower
One showerhead boiling acid
Their victims lying there dead

Beside the pool were two lovers
A man and woman locked in a kiss
Frozen dead pale and stiff
The woman held a knife in his back

I ran away screaming only to come face to face
With the family who did all this
A psychopathic group set out to ****
And I was next on their hit list

I ran and ran and ran and ran
Running until I was out of breath
I kept running though my body failed me
I collapsed on the ground and died of heart failure

So that is my dream in a nutshell
Described as plainly as I can
Details avoided the horror unexplained
Nothing can be worse than this

My Nightmare of a Century
The Dream that tested my strength
Tested my bravery
My will power

I may not go to sleep again tonight
I may need to write to let it go
I may need to eat for comfort
And drown my mind in music and schoolwork

It doesn't make me less strong
It doesn't make me weak
It's just how I push through these times
When the Dawn comes I'll sing with joy

Thank you God for being here for me
When no one was online on Facebook
To talk to, to ask for prayer, to reach out to
Thank you for being 24/7/365 --I hate being alone.

That time
When you are content
Happy
Warm
Sleepy
Wrapped up in a soft blanket
Holding you tightly in its fuzzy embrace
Like a caterpillar in a cocoon.

Tomorrow when you wake you'll emerge
A beautiful butterfly
One of thousands
Millions
Each different in their own way

I thought for maybe a fleeting day that I liked you.
I knew it would never work.
You and me.
Me and you.
It's just not possible.
I'm nothing compared to you.

Your talent flies to the stars above,
While I sit on the grass at night and gaze in wonder.
Your passion for life shines like the sun,
While I dance in the warm light laughing with joy.

I do not love you, or even like you more than I show.
It's the thought of you that makes me smile.
It's the thought of you that makes me wonder how you are doing each day.
It's the thought of you- nothing more- that makes me want to be your friend.

I hero worship you.
I need to stop.
You are human like me.
Nothing more.
And you should be nothing more.
You are my brother that I look up to,
That I secretly admire from afar.
I am a small child in need of guidance,
A lost heart searching for a close friend,
But you cannot be that person.
You have your friends,
And I mine.
Even if we meet tomorrow,
We'll be friendly but nothing more.

Admitting I hero worship you is uncomfortable.
Convicting myself for being weak enough to do so hurts.
Convincing myself love is not an option for me is a battle.
Punishing myself for liking someone is unbearable.

I cannot love.
I must not love.
I am not capable of love.
And if I do love,
I would be better off dead than with a broken heart.
It already is fragile as glass and as worthless as fools gold from the first time I liked someone.
Again, it was the thought of him,
Hero worship.
I barely survived that.

I must never love again.

The most beautiful woman of Oz,
The Good Witch.
Dark brown eyes full of innocence,
A mind naiive,
Lips that smile sweetly.

Oh Theodora,
That you should become the Wicked Witch of the West.

He didn't love you
He never did
He was a player
And fooled you
Your innocent heart
How it broke
The childish nature
Maturing with each tear

You said you'd be his queen
Give your life to him in service
Happy to do anything for him
But he ran before you had a chance

He ran and found Glinda
Glinda the Pretty Once
Father's Daughter
The Wise Witch
Creamy milk skin,
Pink cheeks,
Fair eyes
Blond hair,
How could you compete with her charms?
There was no winning the Wizard's heart now.
All hope was lost
Your dream crushed
The tears fell
Burning scars into your cheeks.

Oh Theodora.
If only you hadn't been so naiive.
Your sister Evanora is the real Wicked Witch
If only you had seen it.

She offered you an apple
Grown in hell
Poisoned with jealousy
Sweetened with hatred
She promised it would change your life forever
Change your heart
Make it impenetrable to everyone
She did not lie
And you believed

You bit into the apple
And suddenly everything was clear
Evanora lied to you for years
Glinda was the Good Witch
And you were dying.

Your heart saw clearly as it dissolved in you,
Theodora.
All that was good and innocent,
Kind and caring,
Withered and shrunk.

You became the Wicked Witch of the West,
Cruelty at its best
And jealousy at its worst
Oz betrayed you
And you wanted him to die
Along with everyone else

It's all over for you Theodora.
Oz believed there was still good inside you
That could come out someday.
He understood that he had caused you to become this
That Evanora's magic had worked on you.
You denied him.
You shouted never.
Whatever was good left was destroyed in that moment.

Theodora the Good, we mourn you.
Theodora the Wicked Witch, fear us.
You will be defeated someday.

Maybe I do believe in love.
It's just my jealousy blinds me.
My passion has no one to love and everyone to envy.
My heart confuses me,
My mind sobers me,
A thin balance that is easily tipped either way.
Tipped towards my heart,
I fly upwards into pink skies
With fluffy white clouds and sunshine.
I love and feel loved.
I wonder if anyone likes me.
Maybe he likes me, maybe he doesn't.
That thought bursts my bubble,
And down I fall to the dirt,
Crying and bleeding.
I lie there until I can get back up and keep walking on the road called Life.
Tipped towards my mind,
I crawl into the caves,
Soothing darkness,
A balm to my hot head,
Silence and solitude to really think deeply.
I marvel at the glittering gems underground,
Gems of thoughts and wise quotes,
Ideas and dreams.
Then my ruby heart cracks
And my sapphire eyes cry diamond tears,
Falling on the stone floor,
Each one precious.
I feel lost,
Forgotten,
Nothing more than fools gold.
That thought causes me to fall into the deepest darkest catacomb,
A trench so deep I can hardly breath.
Now without wisdom or ideas,
Only pain,
I lie and wait until my strength returns,
enough to climb out of my pit and into the blinding sunlight.

With the perfect balanced life between my heart and mind,
I can climb mountains to touch the pink clouds,
And explore caves without falling down.

I fall down into the caves more than I fly to the sky.
I can't decide which hurts more though.

I do believe in love.
I believe in love in stories and fairy tales.
I believe love is possible in real life,
But not for me.
Love is like a wax and feathered wings-
They help you fly,
But if you fly too close to glory,
Like Icarus you will fall and die.
Your heart will burn and melt,
Then drown in tears until you forget the pain.
I don't want to die.
Again.

Boy Scouts
I admire them
But I can't look them in the eye
Maybe it's their uniforms
Or their presence
Or their honorable character
Or maybe it's just because they are boys

When I look away from people
I feel like I'm hiding
I feel safer that way

But when I'm around boys
Even looking down reveals too much
My body is large
My hair a disgrace
And don't even get me started on MY character
Or lack of character

Boy Scouts
I think they are good boys
Growing into good men
But I won't let myself associate with them
I'm not worthy to be around them
Sure they might like being around me
But they are too good of character to be around me
I'm a mess
They are organized
I'm fat
They are healthy
I'm lazy
They are disciplined
I'm bad company for them
I'll just ruin their reputation
I'm not worthy to be their friend
There are better girls than me
I think I'll run away
Disappear
They won't notice
Except that the darkness is gone

There are better girls for them
Who encourage their courageous lives
Girls who are good company
Not girls who want to hide
Girls who are light and beauty
Feminine and fair faced

What am I? An ugly bag
Better off taken out with the trash
Because that's what I am
I reek of bad habits and insecurity
I am so unhealthy
Lost in the dark
The darkness though is me
I need to run and hide
No one will find me
No one will miss me

They'll be better off without
This  bruised soul in a horrid body
Her heart cracking under stress
Like glass that's worn out

Just smash me already
Break my heart into pieces
Let the shards splinter my body
Carve the bad out of me
Let me bleed
Let be bleed
Cut off the evil inside
Destroy the darkness

I'm so ugly
Inside and out
Everyone's blind
To the real me

Boy Scouts
I admire them
Like the friends
I want to have
But can't afford
Because friendships end
People leave
All the time
Sure they might remember me
Lying in the dust
However my heart will be dead by then
They won't even recognize me

Boy Scout
One of my friends I trusted
He has better friends than me
I think I'll leave him
It will be better for the both of us
Because I fail all the time
I'm not dependable
I'm ugly
He deserves better
Better friends than me