Looked in the lint trash
What, a bucket of spiders?
But that's just my smarm, I mean
Charm, yes so charming, I

Feel I should tell
You: See, I am the kind
Of a man whose particles of rage all blend blisters into macrame
What? That's to say I only craft with vengeance, Art is Hell.

I'm not really sure, see, it seems I
have so many words inside and yet
No order, no syntax, no form, no norm.

Can't spin A.D.D. into gold, No,

I can't tremble, blink, then in that
Blink! Distill a miracle
Of words whose sentience, er,
Sentence myself to the chair,

The chair at the computer where,
Confounded,
I shiver and sigh, sob, eye.

1.

In Japan the color of mourning is white.
The blinding flash of strangled brain
Festooned above the funeral route,
All the crepe-stream blank of pigment,
Blank the mind once dying's done.
Maybe find a bit of hope there, thought
Of light beyond alive, not
The blackness promised by
A firm belief in nothing.

2.

Regardless of catharsis
thus-far crying's done no good
it seems the sap can leak all
trite and flood surround with
sighs but I
I'll still be penitent for naught for all
the wrongest sins, to own up must
say "vanity's what needs my focus"
I--a deal so ******* big
no other face can crowd the mirror
of my mind's eye, I all I see, see

No one looms quite large enough
to crowd me from my view.

12/7/2010

so today I awoke
    orchid in head
and gave it all away.

The "all" being
    my grip on the here,
any thought of the now,

    trees Feel.
Chainsaws roar through the awareness of leaves,

puddlejumping in branches waving shade
    in the oil and *** of the street,

leaping in splashing down the block
    from the catastrophe of
white trash eyeing my innocence
    pretended for show

Eye through plight of falling forest,
    I give this away,
Flower in mind withers, decays,
    Puddles soak through to my skin beneath denim.

Today, feet over leaves as teeth raked over
egg shells, ankle stabbing pain, *******
could cut diamonds—it’s fall.

Today, tears over cheeks as snow whipping
over tundra, reddening eye—but hey, for
these shrinks I’m a living—it’s Hell.

Today, smiles over cutting, I try it once in
a while, enlivening head, and yes—it’s
cheesy to be happy—all’s well.

Pernicious mind, stop eating me!
Incessant head, oh, can’t you sleep?

I’ve moved beyond mental
Have approached the eternal
But god’s still a mystery
at times I’m a husk

Shrinking back at times
from light of open mind
Find a spot to fester
if I’m feeling like a sore

Swaying mendicant head
of sweating adolescence
Jacking off verbosity
Shut me up, Oh Lord!

Now all given way to
spiritual *******
******* a smile if
I’m too tapped out for joy.

****** slips away,
I’m naked in God’s hand—
Surrendered to the will of
some other spirit’s blood.

Today, beneath a shade tree
Listening to La Valse D’Amelie
for the piano, for one
Secondhand medication just
dissolved under tongue—

And now it’s “Wild Tigers
I Have Known”
(Emily Jane White)
Title to a film,
hit close to home as
The me back in 8th grade
Turning boylust on a girl—
her self-conscious pink-redness,
Her flower unfurled,
Snatched up and crumpled
As a tissue at a funeral.

“My past is sliding down the drain;
I soon will be myself again.”
Theodore Roethke

Each moment, as a hatchling,
Altricial—then there’s light.
Blinking bowed before some God
To mind’s eye feeling’s sight.

Capitulation cast aside,
I’ll try—is that enough?
I shiver, shook from head to foot,
That’s life—its flesh is tough.

My D3 capsules, sun lamp, smiles,
Forcing my way through.
It takes more than a bit of faith
to get from winter black to blue,

So bruised, foreseen or not, you see
it aches to be this ghost.
My former self was due to die,
The new I’s time is close.

12.14.2010