I keep thinking about being shirtless
Sitting on your lap,
Looking into your eyes
You asked if I was happy
I muttered out "with what"
Happy with us yes
You asked do I love you I said yes
You asked am I in love with you I said
Yes,
Yes because I am in love with you, with the way you ask if I'm in love with you, with the way your voice trembled in fear of rejection
or maybe that was my voice when I muttered out the word yes
maybe I'm scared of how I actually feel
or maybe I was stuttering in my head and my throat was too in awe to speak
So I just shook my head yes I mean nodded my head yes
it's funny,
There are certain things I am happy with, certain things like
car rides
and the amount of cigarettes I smoke and boy it's the whole pack in less than 3 hrs
it makes me happy
It keeps me busy
natural lighting against white painted walls,
Make me happy
I like to think that's what my body is
Out in nature
Is nature
Natural lighting shining through tree tops against my blue eye shadow bubble gum snapping carefree walls
but not enough of that makes me happy to be happy in general
so I walk at 2 in the morning to get where I need to go
I don't have a car
so I chain smoke
So I lock myself in the room durning the day
let the light shine in while I sleep
So I apply my blue eyeshadow when I wake to resemble the sky
So I snap my bubble gum too loud
Keep me from hearing my thoughts
So I make twigs, branches and sticks glide in the wind across my upper thigh
or a least I used to
but I think about breaking that habit of trying to keep all the promises I make.
No,
No I am not happy, yes my voice is trembling
or maybe i was stuttering in my head and my voice was too in awe to speak
so I just nodded my head no
I mean shook my head no.