It all makes sense now
I feel calmer
My spirit is relaxed
I know he loves me and that is more than enough
He makes me smile God, please help me keep him around and get my **** together.
Thank you God

Why do I feel so confused?
Why must everything be so complicated?
....I feel lost in nothing, yet lost.
Lost FOR nothing.
I just want another night,
another chance to not blow it.
I want to be the girl of his dreams.
I want to be the best me for him, for me.

God what is wrong with me?
Why did you make me this way?
What is it that you want to be for me in this situation that you couldn't in another?
I want to see,
I want to open my eyes,
my mind.
I'm not gonna give up,
on me.
God please show me what it is you want me to be opened up to.

Help me be happy God I want to be happy.

My whole life has changed since you've come in, in such a beautiful way.
You're my best friend, the love of my life, and such an abundant blessing to this world.
You remind me who I really am, when I feel lost in my emotions.
You're love brings peace, smiles, uncontrollable laughter, you brighten up every moment that you are with me just by being there.
You make me feel whole, you make me feel like a somebody and far beyond that, you tell me day after day of my worth.
I wanna grow in God with you,
I love praying for you.
For your happiness, for your health, for you to have energy to press through another hard day when you have one, I pray for stress relief over you, I ask God to bring you strength through adversity in your life, for you to have joy that over flows, and so much more!
You're not God and I do not try to replace you with him but I feel whole when I am by your side.
I forget every challenge that I am facing, you give me a reason to want to fight for success, to fight for me when I cant find another.
I brush off loneliness, hatred, impatience, and anything holding me back when I think of you,
because when I think of you, I always smile and I just cant help it but be happy when you're on my mind.
I always hope for the best with you, I will always cheer you on,
always pray for you, because I love you:)

When I think of all the times you've made me smile,
I love you.
When I think of all that we have gone through, pushed through to get here,
I love you.
When I think of every fight we have had,
I love you.
When I think of all the times I have missed you,
I love you.
When you make me laugh,
I love you.
When you say something rude and un called for
I love you
When I am wrong and you put me in my place,
I love you.
When I think of times that you've made a false step,
I love you.
When I think of your adorable dimples accenting your cheeks when you laugh,
I smile:)
When you're mad at me, and raise your voice,
I love you,
Because I do.
Nothing you do could ever change my love for you.

So much lead up to the day I said "I love you"
I meant it.
I was overly confident about knowing my love for you.
I was so for sure.
And i still am!
After every night wee stayed up fighting,
after every time I hurt your feelings,
after every amazing moment that i have spent with you,
after every "I love You"
after every "hello" and "goodbye"
after every kiss,
and after every day,
I am still just as sure,
as the very first day I spoke those words to you.
I love you,
and I always will:)

I used to be suicidal, its been a year since I've had those thoughts.
I used to hide my arms, I am no longer addicted to self harm.
I used to hate myself, now I can say I am on a mission to love myself.
I used to have no hope, now I carry It.
Look how far I have come.
I am something to be proud of.
I used to be a blank canvas and now my story is evidence that I've lived.
I struggled with depression but now I am walking in recovery.
I am not a depressed person trying to become happy, I am a deliriously happy person fighting off depression.
God thank you for molding me and helping me grow.
Thank you for sending an upgrade every time I have a trial.

I have hatred for  the way I FEEL
Yet without this towering misery over me, I wouldn't know how to HEAL.
I wouldn't have  searched out and brought light into finding myself, me.
I would have kept seeking for unconditional love in someone else, like yourself, you.
When really i need to stop loving myself conditionally, cause these wounds sting.
I need to devote to loving ME.
Yes me.
So yes, yes, I AGREE, I need to learn, but can't you SEE how this COULD BE distressing...
Like how the **** did SHE and how the hell did HE,
Belittling myself out of confidence,
and
Over thinking into depression.
yet I know I'm worth more than this, I get it, no im not a failure I get it. But as luck would HAVE IT, my mind has a go AT IT, and discovers a sensitive spot for it to pick at it.

**** this place.

I'm frozen from love here.

Yet if i hadn't come here,
I wouldn't have known i needed to grow.
Caving in to sadness, I get lost in feeling hopeless.
But I won't give up.
Because I'm not a failure,
even though I feel like one,
and I AM wonderful even though I don't feel like it.
I WILL have better days...
God teach me how to love me.
Teach me how to fall in love with me.
I want to grow.