When externalities are potent,
I ask myself.
Things never go my way
Anticipation is disappointment
In disguise.
And my hopes?
Instantly smothered into false optimisms
And the ashes;
They pile up,
They form a mound,
My rememberance
Of unjust and sighs.

One day, I too will become those
Ashes.

I have always been surrounded
By walls, by walls
They guard me and they disguise me
I am but a fetus
I am a fetus forcing myself to grow hair
To grow affections
To be human
Whatever it means to be human

But the forces of the external
They are growing stronger
And they have pounded me down
Those externalities weren't aware
That it was
Them
They caused it
Why question it
You caused it.

My fortress was build upon empty words
Hopeless faith
The unceasing optimism of a teenage idiot
I am an idiot

And I am an idiot
Because my fortress has an intruder
He has managed to unveil my true intent
Now I am a fetus
Exposed

I have been exposed
But his hands are around me
They are bringing me warmth and life
And for once
Once again
I smile

The intruder does too.

Why is darkness at its meekest within a light source?
How incredible it is, that among its enemy, it’s able to wrap victims
In its arms.

Swallow them;
Disguise them;
Embrace them.

Its long tendrils crawling upon your skin
Its poison traveling into your heart
Destroying you;
Engulfing you;
Letting light into your eyes.

Darkness isn’t an enemy, it’s your invisible friend.
It lets you see the truth.
While light? It conceals it
Everything is a lie.

Light wants to be perfect, but it can’t.
It is the result of all social judgements
All things.

Darkness reveals everything that you might not have noticed.
But beware
If you fall too deeply into the abyss
You might get stuck and never climb back up.

Because we humans would rather accept the beautiful lies
Rather than the cold truth.
Because we are us, and we are cowards.

Dear friend,
I am sorry to burden you
It's been a while.

Dear love,
I am sorry to have failed you
I have been blind.

Dear man,
I am sorry to have burdened you
You are one of a kind.

Dear heart,
I am sorry to have fallen
His heart was never mine.

Warm cup of tea
- trickling down my throat
- the anchor to my boat
- my loyal company

A flower on the sidewalk
- a beauty amongst the dark
- the glimmer of hope
- left out and alone

Your love for me
- my cup of tea
- the flower on the road
- fiction at its worst

Bliss
Is open
Vast and free.

It dissipates in an
Instant

Vanishes in
A sliver

Bliss cannot be kept
It can only be held
Sustained
And to sustain it
Requires faith
And hope
And a whole lot of energy
Determination

Is it worth it?

If it vaporises
What then?

We meet again
Grim
Grief
Desolation and
Despondency.

The hard at heart
The faithful servant
The optimistic fool

For I am not.

For they succeed

For I do not.

In dreams we meet,
I'll get to make you smile,
You'll be so sweet,
The world lost for miles.

Running from the fury,
Gone from the paradox,
Reality.
Lost from the game that,
They will never get.

Tonight we'll hide,
And the world will not seek,
Because we're so far away,
Until the first light.

"Why are you always
so down?”
They inquired
And they persisted.
I sighed.

"I have always been
like this.
Why change now?”

They gaped at me
Bewildered

“Isn’t it a choice?”
I smiled a faltering smile
An old wary smile
That is tiresome
And lonely
Cruel and bitter
Unyielding;

Stubborn.

"It is, and I choose it
to be this.”
They turned to leave

"Because I can’t afford to be happy.”
Silent whispers do not
matter.

We ache and we bleed
We hope and we plead
That the pain would halt
Would rest

For a second, bliss
Overwhelms your soul
And perfection appears.

But what is perfection?

We know not of such a thing.
It is only bittersweetness
The yearning for an escape.

But the exit
Is far away
So far away.

We are stranded,
Adrift.

soak in all the mellow
breathe out all the pain
let sail all the sorrow
no more
not again