I miss him.
I miss everything about him.
The older I get, the less memories I keep.
But I remember the nicknames.
I remember the carpet burns.
I remember the ham sandwiches cut into 4 triangles.
I remember that one time he put me in the bin and I laughed all afternoon
(although now I’m older I realise that was his illness).
I was so young when it happened
I was never taught how to deal with it.
So now I have these photos,
3 to be exact,
And I don’t know how to feel.
I don’t know how to cope.
I just miss him.

In 5 months
my life is over.
I’ve studied for 16 years.
What do I do when it ends?

How can I expect other people
to understand my illness
when I barely understand it myself.
It’s just letters
Three letters
that explain why I’m feeling like this.
Three simple letters claiming I’m not different
and that what I feel is acceptable.
But it doesn’t feel that way.
I get ridiculed when I don’t get out of bed
But it’s not my choice
I’m not controlling this
Do you think I’d have this sickness if it was a choice?
You think I choose to isolate myself just because it’s dark outside?
You seriously believe it’s normal that I sleep 20 hours of the day?
I’m sick.
I just want them to understand.

My once clever brain goes silent
when I look at you
It forgets how to send signals to my nerves
It doesn’t tell my heart to beat
It refrains from instructing my lungs to inhale and exhale
My body stills
But somehow I manage to smile

Sometimes I think of the way you looked at me
With that smile on your face
And sometimes I feel special
But then I see you look at other girls the same way
And realise I’m not
I’m not special to you
I don’t think I ever will be

I reach out for you
In the only way I know how
But you’re not there
You’ve never been there
I’m kidding myself to think we could be
But still
I reach out for you

I wish we could have a chance
But the world won’t allow it
Even a slight glimmer of a life together
But it won’t happen
We just don’t meet
We’re not the same people
Oh how I wish we were
But we’re not
We never will be
We’re just too different
Sometimes that works
But not for us
We’re two worlds apart
And I don’t have a plane

A few months ago I didn’t even know you existed
It took 1 month for me to fall in love
And 3 months to realise it was stupid
And now
6 months on
You’re the best and worst thing to ever happen to me

I wish I could be creative
I don’t have a creative mind
But whenever I put pen to paper
I draw your face

It’s been 5 days
5 long days since we met again
120 hours since I saw your face in person
It’ll be another 8 days until I see you again
And then I’ll wait 122 days.

I listen to sad music
Written about relationships
And think about what we could be
And what we will never be

I wish I was your type
But I’m not a supermodel
I’m not a girly girl
I don’t spend hundreds of pounds on makeup
And I don’t care about the newest brands of clothes
I don’t feel like I constantly have to make an effort
And I don’t think I have to impress anyone
I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t change for you
But I’m happy with me
I just wish you could be too

I wish I had something else to write about
Something other than you
But you’re my muse
You’re my world
I hate it
I wish I could focus on something other than you
But my mind always strays to the memories of us
To the sound of your voice
And for a moment
It feels as if we could be
But we never will be
Because my mom said I’m not your type

I’m so proud of you
I hope you know that
But I don’t know how to tell you
Without it seeming odd
You don’t know who I am
You don’t know what you mean to me
And I don’t think you ever will know
But you take up a huge section of my heart
And my head
And I’m so in love with you

No one understands how much it hurts that you don’t remember me.
When I see the pictures of us, it’s like my heart skips a beat.
Then it remembers you have no idea who I am.
And my head tells my heart to stop falling for you,
To stop being foolish and to fall for someone my parents would be proud of.
But my heart continues to beat faster whenever I hear your name
Or see your face
Or hear your voice.
And my head hates my heart for it.

I’ll see you for the last time in 8 days.
Not the last time ever
But the last time in a while
A long time
The last time in about 4 months.
And it hurts.
I don’t know what to do about it.
How can I make this time last?
Can we remember it this time?
I wonder if you’ll change in the time I don’t see you.
I wonder what you’ll do, where you’ll be, who you’ll be with.
I have no control over your life
But I wish it was me you would hang out with
Over the months you have a break
I wish it was me you’d spend your time on
I wish it was different
But it won’t be
So I’ll see you for the last time in a while I’m 8 days
You won’t remember it
But I’ll cherish it until I see you again.

I hate how very few people understand the kind of love I have for him.
It’s a strange love.
A love I can’t explain.
It feels like the ocean washing up on the shore in the bright sun.
It feels like sand between your toes on a hot day.
It’s new and it’s bold and it’s inconceivable.
It’s unrequited.
It’s painful.

“You only like him because he’s attractive”

Do you think so low of me to assume I choose who to give my love to based on appearance?
Do you really not know that it’s much more than that?
That I love him because he’s perfect in every way?
Do you not see his kindness? His laughter? His intelligence?
Or do you just see his pretty face and assume I’m so shallow as to choose that over personality?

When I look at him
My heart swells with pride
My stomach fills with butterflies
My brain fuzzes and fries
My hands begin to shake
And suddenly
It’s like I forget my own name
I can barely form a sentence
My words are bland and sharp
What I want to say doesn’t come out
A lump forms in my throat
And my lungs struggle to function
I can think
But I cannot say
I cannot express
I want to tell him how much I’m in love with him
Instead i’ll settle for a ‘hi’

It's almost like you know you do this to me
that's absurd
how could you know?
i'm your friend
if you'd even call me that
i'm more like your apprentice
your prodigy
you, but when you were a kid
how could you know i'm so madly in love with you?

urgh
unrequited love

We're friends
pals
mates
buddies

but i want more

He called me 'love'

It was only a passing comment

(to him anyway)

for me

it meant so much more

Simple words
can make you fall
hard in love.

I hate how i'm in love with his voice
his accent
the way he speaks
not just to me
but to everyone
to the world
I hate it
it makes me fall for him
so hard
and it hurts
to know that I can never have him
I will never call him mine
I'll never have a future with him
It's impossible
I hate how his voice reminds me of that.

Why do I always have to sort out other people's problems?
I'm not a counsellor
I'm not a psychiatrist
I'm not even a helpful person
I'm not qualified to sort out your life
Hell, I can barely sort out my own
I don't want children
Why do I always have to act like a mother to everyone?

I haven't got out of bed in 3 days
I don't want to
I don't want to see anyone
I don't want to make pointless conversation about how your christmas was
I don't want to hear about how great your life is or about the family you claim to love but **** off most of the time
I don't want to know that you passed all of your exams without even trying
So don't push a note under my door asking if i'm ok
I'm fine
I just don't want to talk to you

It's warm outside.

But I'm still so cold inside.

Emotional attachement scares me
It's not just the thought of giving everything to someone.
It's the idea of that person being your last.
Of never getting away from that person.
Of never being able to give it all to someone else.

I'd rather be alone.

I cover my walls in photographs -
of friends from times gone by
of family from happier times.
But I never look happy
Why does my smile always look fake?
I wish I could hide it.

I think I'm sick
but I can't do anything about it.
That's the catch with this 'illness' -
it's knowing it's killing you
but not having the guts to do anything about it.

The feeling of being replaced is
itself
irreplaceable.
It compares to no other.

It's the feeling of gaining a heart
then having it slowly pulled out of you.

I'd rather people be honest
and hurt me with the truth
than lie to me constantly
and hide things from me.
"I thought you were out.
I would've asked but..."
You knew I was in
You knew I would've helped
You just didn't want me to.

Why am I expected to get back on the metaphorical horse when all I want to do
is dig a hole inside my head
cover myself with a duvet
and never come out?

"Yesterday's gone
We've got to keep moving on."
But why is it so hard?

I haven't seen my grandparents in 5 years
but I saw them today.
They asked how I was
and how I was finding university.
Then they talked more of my cousins.
They still care for them more than they do for me.
Nothing has changed in those 5 years.
And that hurts.

"Are you ok?"
Physically, yes.
Emotionally, most definitely not.
My mind is racing with 1,000 thoughts
but not one of them is coherent.
My brain can't put a sentence together
and I can't think straight.
"Yes, I'm fine. Thank you."

how do I repair the relationships I've slaughtered?
how do I apologise for ruining lives?
is it too late?
is there such thing as it being too late?
how do I accept that swallowing pride and saying sorry once in a while can be a good thing?

I wish I could have a relationship like other people do
other people are happy to commit to that one person
and let them in
but I can't do that
I can't get close to someone and trust them enough
I can't tell them everything
so instead a group of people will all know different things about me
maybe when I die they'll all share stories
and realise I trusted them more than they thought