I wish I could have a relationship like other people do
other people are happy to commit to that one person
and let them in
but I can't do that
I can't get close to someone and trust them enough
I can't tell them everything
so instead a group of people will all know different things about me
maybe when I die they'll all share stories
and realise I trusted them more than they thought

You don't know me -
not the real me.
You know my favourite movie
and maybe my favourite song.
You know what food I could eat every day
and you know about my first pet.
But you don't know me.
You don't know how much I want to tear my skin off my body
and become a whole new person.
You don't know how I self-sabotage
everything good in my life.
You don't know why I can't trust you
and you'll never know
my past or what's hiding
inside my mind.

I wish 10,000 wasps would cover my body
and sting until there's no feeling.
I wish a tree would fall on me
and break some fatal bones.
I wish a fire would consume me
and leave me as ashes in it's wake.
I wish there was a way to come back from this
so I could finally feel 'happy'.

Instead all I feel is numbness
and maybe the occasional anger.
Instead my brain creates these thoughts -
1000 deadly sins.
They run around inside my head
and refuse to ever leave.

I want to feel happiness.
I wonder what it's like
to feel some sort of feeling
that completes you.
Or leaves you wanting more -
to love and be loved.