My sweetest pain

It feels like deja- vu, yet I am the writer this time around
I have set the stage, everything is on cue
I decided how this will end, I planned it all
Right to the time the dagger hits my heart
I choose to relive the pain
Because its my sweetest pain

The pain was so intense, I was submerged in it
So I rewrote the script, so that I would feel it again
Only this time i will not be numbed by the shock
This time I will make sure that it doesn't break me
I am prepared to sacrifice everything
Just to ******* sweetest pain
Again

Do you think its coincidence that the life span is the same
Or that the offspring is the same ages in both productions
The only way to perfect it, is to rehearse it
That way I control when the dagger strikes
That way I can ******* sweetest pain
Again

The scripts are identical in so many ways
I smile at how well I planned it, this is my Oscar moment
All the actors are in place, cameras ready to roll
As I strike the dagger
I smile as I feel my sweetest pain
Again!

When u travel on a road,
You have a map
When you travel by sea or desert,
You have a compass
When you travel by air,
You have navigation
When you travel by your heart,
What do you have?

When you feel, it directs you,
When your soul leaps, it moves you forward,
When the wind blows it causes you to turn,
Even just to change your direction
When your emotions are lost,
How do u move?

I have searched for the tremmer,
Or just a breeze,
Just a bump to knock me,
I searched for it in an ******
I searched for it at the bottom of a bottle
I looked in my childrens laughs
Where is it?

I am lost, for I know not what direction to take
I don't know who I am, or where I need to be
How do I send out a cry for help?
How do I call for rescue?

I search for silence, silence of the ever growing fear
Fear of loss
Fear of abandonment
Fear of rejection
Fear of failure
Fear of never being found!

My soul where are you?
You have vanished from me
Yet sometimes I get a glimpse of you
But I close my eyes because you a reminder of all I lost
So I remain empty
Missing the piece of me that has hope and love

I no longer smile from you
I no longer dance from you
You are gone and I am glad you are
Although there is a part of this body
That longs to be a part of your happiness

But I cannot let you back in,
Fear has frozen my limbs
Fear has frozen my lips
Fear has frozen my heart
For I know I can never let myself be hurt
Again

I am dancing with him, but I am dancing for you
I know you watching me, I am aware you want me
I sway my hips to lure you, lure you to want me more
Because you and I have played this game before

A game of cat and mouse, a game of the mind
A game of power, so when he pulls me close I don't resist
Because I know you watching
I sway my hips to the rhythm of the base, with him up against me

I know you watching, I know you want me
So when you come and take my hand
I know that I have the power, the power to make you want me
I feel your breathe on my neck, I am intoxicated by my desire for you

Seduced by the sensation of your touch
Encouraged by the smell of your perfume
I drown in the power of you!

The jolting of your heart as you awaken and all is dark
The fear rushing through you as darkness surrounds you
The realization that there is no one around
Just you and darkness

You rush around, knocking into furniture and doors
Your racing heartbeat the only sound you hear
Anxiety as your fear overwhelms you

You sit on the bed as your mind imagines the worst
Demons under the bed, ghost watching you
You hear the tick tick of the clock, and your heart eases
You calm down because you know its only a matter of time
Before the sun comes up

You see me as strong, but my strength hides my weakness
You see me as happy, but my happiness hides my sadness
You see me smile, but my smile hides my vulnerability
You say you my friend, can you not see what I am hiding?

You mistake me listening as if I don't need to be listened to
You mistake my advice as if I don't need it too
You mistake me smiling as if I am content
You say you my friend, can you not see that I am scared?

I let you shine cause I am too broken to care
I let you sing cause I am too hurt to hear my own voice
I let you be cause I feel like I cannot be
You say you my friend, can you see that I am yours?

I hold my breath
As the seconds, minutes, hours and days pass
I hold my breath as if it will help you to remember me
To remember my kisses, my touch, my love

I hold my breath
As I wait for the phone to ring
For the next time I see you
I hold my breath as I pray u remember me

I exhale
As I have lost hope
The seconds, minutes, hours and days have passed
And u have not remembered me
I have to let go

Then you appear
And I have to hold on to this time
Because I don't know how many
Seconds, minutes, hours and days will pass till I see you
Again